


Such Kylo Trash

by ElmiDol



Series: Waiting for Trash Day [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Anal Sex, Boderline Personality, Cum feeding, Double Penetration, Drugs, Dub-con elements, F/M, Inappropriate Use of Lightsabers, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Kylo Ren Knows Reader is Comfortable Near Him, LITERALLY, Lots of masturbation, Mind Manipulation, Multiple Orgasms, Naked Female Clothed Male, Overstimulation, Questionable Relationship Choices that are Better Explained in the Companion Fic, Skewed Perceptions, Sociopathy, Somewhat Unreliable Narrator, Strange Behavior, Strange Mating Habits from Kylo Ren, Such as Throwing Yourself Away, Teasing, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, assassinations, limited perspective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-24
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-06 03:29:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 71,693
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11592009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElmiDol/pseuds/ElmiDol
Summary: Of all the tasks to receive, you were given that of preparing Kylo Ren's quarters. It was as difficult as it sounded, but you were not going to give up!And when a connection appeared to develop--well, you could not exactly explain your feelings, even though he didn't seem a stranger to them.~Reuploading by Multiple Requests~{Limited Perspective--Companion Fic in Kylo's POV will be added; should be read once this fic is completely done to avoid spoilers}





	1. Garbage

**Author's Note:**

> I have received multiple requests over the past few months to re-upload this fic. Because of some of its content, I worried about doing so. Speaking with a few individuals, however, they and I have come to the agreement that there are areas where the 'questionable' content is due to limited perspective (cleared up in the companion fic). So here it goes!
> 
> I will be uploading this fic slowly (hopefully not TOO slowly; it's just not quite a priority)

Garbage

In the grand scheme of things, you were nothing significant. A limb for the First Order, one that, should you be severed from it, there would be no impact. Replaceable. It was a cruel joke in many ways. At least we’re better than the ‘troopers, a number of your colleagues would intone. You had only recently made the rank of officer, and here you were quite—underwhelmed, really. You had previously been stationed on Starkiller base to complete the last portion of your training. At least there, you reasoned, you had been able to escape the mundane routine of the day to venture out into the cold, to climb up a tree and hide. You never neglected your duties, and thus were never reprimanded for your behavior. You were courteous to all your colleagues, respectful to your superiors.

Lieutenant Mitaka eyed you from his position at your side. You and he were staring out one of the many windows on the ship. The _Finalizer_ offered many views of deep space. Always the same; always so different. Stars, stars, stars. Always stars. Sometimes planets. The patterns were never the same, and you found that it further solidified the fact that you were small.

“Sir?” Mitaka considered you for several seconds longer before informing you that you could proceed. You did so, with some caution. “I almost fell into the trash compactor today.” Dopheld Mitaka’s lips twitched into a grin that he managed to fight off. “Officer Keln said it would have been appropriate since I’m such trash.” His shoulder shook in silent laughter. He was one of your preferred superiors, and you knew he needed cheering after the day he had had. Reporting bad news to General Hux was not his favorite pastime.

“You’re high quality trash then, (L/n),” he said, still trying not to grin as he turned and headed away. You bit down on the insides of your cheeks to keep from smiling as well.

Turning from the window, you headed in the opposite direction than what Lieutenant Mitaka had wandered down. Work was to be done, and if you lingered any longer you would fall behind. That would not do, what with the Command Shuttle set to arrive in under two hours. Both General Hux and Commander Ren would be returning from—well, you could not keep track of every planet they landed on. They did not always leave together; rarely did so, in fact. You wondered how much damage Commander Ren had done to his ship as you rounded a corner.

You whistled lowly a tune that had been stuck in your head for the better part of the day. You blame Officer Keln, the very man that had bumped into you and almost knocked you into the trash compactor. Though he enjoyed teasing you, the man was one of the few individuals aboard the ship you found yourself speaking with on a daily basis. Joking was not a common occurrence in a few of the other circles you found yourself. Stormtroopers were wary when it came to interacting with officers, which was in accordance with how they were trained. Technicians were jovial during breaks, however dead serious at all other times. And officers? Most were the epitome of stoic if a superior was near, if General Hux was onboard. When Kylo Ren was aboard the _Finalizer_ , everyone was a mess of nerves.

Of course, then there was you. Insignificant, lowly you—you still made your food talk to one another, beg not to be eaten. Your first week aboard the _Finalizer_ had been spent taking a number of psych-evaluation tests. After passing them with flying colors, you were given tasks of minimal importance. This did not bother you in the least. After all, you were one of the newest officers aboard; why _should_ you be given anything too important?

Then again, that had been your outlook _before_ you had been assigned the task of ensuring that Commander Ren’s quarters were prepared. Any mistakes would fall on your shoulders—which would probably be devoid of a head, you thought with a heavy sigh. But! That was life… Or death, as it were.

Arriving at the entrance to what would be Commander Ren’s temporary living quarters, you punched in the code that granted you access. He would be changing it once he arrived to ensure that no one would enter without his permission. You stepped inside the room, which to you reeked of being…sterile. No one lived there. A dark, metal bed with black sheets. The standard wardrobe to place his things inside of. You chewed on your bottom lip, looking about your surroundings. The man wore a helmet, a mask, for what seemed to be every waking hour of his existence. With no face to read, one could not easily discern his likes or dislikes.

With a shrug, you left for a few minutes then returned. You placed the metal stool in the center of the room. It had a black leather seat, upon which the man could sit if he so wanted. You had also tucked a box under your arm. This you retrieved, opening it and walking over to the bed. You made a pattern with the tiny chocolates on his pillow. It was as close to a tauntaun as you were going to get. You moved to the small bedside table, placed a bottle of wine and a glass there, and shifted over to the door to inspect your work. Should you have chilled the wine, you wondered. But the ice would probably melt, and if it spilled at all he would probably be far from pleased.

Clicking your tongue against the roof of your mouth, you exited the room, typed in the code to lock the doors, and walked away.

.

.

.

You did not expect to be called back into his quarters before the day was done. You were cringing, wishing you _had_ fallen into the trash compactor. That would have been a preferable fate compared with heading towards where you knew Kylo Ren to be. Had he wanted extra pillows? A second blanket, perhaps. You should have iced that wine, damn it!

You gulped when you reached the door. Fiddling with your uniform, smoothing it out, you shifted from one foot to the next. You inhaled deeply, held your breath, and at last exhaled. Giving yourself one final moment to relax as much as you were going to, you lifted a hand and knocked softly against the door. It opened, however there was no one standing on the other side. You were confused for half a second before remembering that Commander Ren was a Force-user. The robed man was standing near the bed, staring down at the pillow.

With a cautious step forward, you entered the man’s quarters. His voice, when he spoke, was deep and slightly robotic as the mask both amplified and distorted it. “What is this?”

“A… A tauntaun, Sir,” you said, glancing towards the figure you had made with the chocolates.

That masked face turned to consider you. You felt your muscles tensing, stress beginning to build. Kylo Ren reached down and plucked up a single wrapped treat. He rolled it in his finger, the aluminum wrapper making a sort of crinkling noise as it ran along the leather. “This. What is this?”

“Oh!” You cleared your throat, realizing he had not cared in the least about your rudimentary tauntaun design. “Chocolate, Sir.”

“Chocolate?”

The confusion in his voice prompted you to nod and, without realizing what you were doing or saying exactly, you stepped forward. You pinched the chocolate that had been between his fingers, and his attention whipped to your face. Oblivious to this, you held up the chocolate and began to speak.

“You unwrap it, Sir, like this,” you said as though you were speaking to a child. Your fingers worked at the aluminum wrapping, which you managed to remove without tearing it a single time. “And you eat it, Sir. It’s sweet…maybe a little bitter if you get the darker ones, but these are milk, so—“

“Do you believe I am ignorant to the existence of chocolate?” Each word spoken carefully, as though he was not sure whether you were intentionally mocking him or not. You felt your face flush then drain of color as fear enveloped you. Full realization of what you had done hit you like running into a wall. The man straightened, taking a step towards the end of the bed. As he crossed in front of you, you found that he was watching you all the while. “Why is it on my bed?”

“I, uh, was trying to be fancy, Commander.”

“You may take it to the garbage,” he said levelly.

Deflated, you moved to his bed, scooping up the chocolate. Your eyes darted to the bottle of wine and glass as you picked up the last piece of the candy. The bottle was opened and there was wine poured into the flute. No doubt the chocolate had been the second thing he had noticed. With the chocolate in your hands, you left his room to toss the candy into the garbage as he had instructed you to do. Without moving from his position, Kylo Ren closed the door behind you with a rather loud _clang_. You winced, however did not pause as you walked down the hallway towards the nearest trashcan.

.

.

.

Who the hell didn’t like chocolate anyway?

You were livid, much more so due to the fact that you had been unable to salvage the candy. Had you not thrown it away, Commander Ren would have discovered this and most likely have been displeased. And now the sweets were long gone, inedible after joining a larger mixture of trash. What’s more, he had the _nerve_ to demand that you readied his quarters again for preparation of his sleeping. You were an officer in the First Order, you inwardly complained, not some maid!

Despite your seething frustration, you would not disobey a direct command. Having been given the code to his personal quarters, you found yourself hovering outside. He would most likely be on a different portion of the Star Destroyer, you told yourself before punching in the code. The doors opened to reveal an empty room. You sighed in relief, not realizing you had been holding your breath up until that point. You walked to his bed, finding that it was already made. All the same, you straightened it, finding that there were wrinkles here and there that did not meet regulations.

Your next step was to grab the empty wine bottle—wow, you had not expected him to drink the whole thing in a single night!—and dirty glass. These you removed from the room. Before returning, you grabbed a new wine flute, bottle, and a box. You placed the first two items in the same place as their predecessors. Then, staring down into the box, you pressed your lights tightly together. Wiggling them from side to side, you considered forgoing your plan. And yet what if he _wanted_ the vanilla sweets? If he did not like chocolate, he must be a vanilla sort of guy, you reasoned. Rather than making a creature with the candies, you instead shaped them into a crude rendition of the Command Shuttle.

.

.

.

You were swearing up a storm in your head when you were summoned to return to the man’s quarters. Who the _fuck_ hated _both_ chocolate and vanilla? Outwardly, you were meek. You ducked your head when the door opened, and kept your eyes trained on the ground. “Yes, Sir?”

“No chocolates.”

“Vanilla, Sir.”

“Garbage.”

.

.

.

Third time _was_ supposed to be the charm. Having found swirl candies, you had decided to risk it and put those on his pillow. After all, Supreme Leader Snoke fawned over the man partly due to his affiliation with both the Light and Dark. It only made sense that he would like swirl. And yet, much to your dismay, you had been called in for a third time. This time he was not wearing his cowl. Your eyes ran along the back of his helmet then trailed down to his hands. He was clenching and unclenching his fingers. Reaching forward, he raised one of the candies. You observed him removing the wrapper. At the sight of the chocolate-vanilla mix, the Knight of Ren squeezed his fingers. The candy smeared into the leather glove he was wearing.

You took a step backwards in retreat. The door slammed shut behind you. Yelping, you whipped around to face what would have been your only exit. Cringing, you turned. The man’s back was still to you.

“A simple task. Prepare my room.” Commander Ren was slow, precise in his movements. When he turned, you caught sight of the lightsaber that was at his hip. What drew your attention to it was his fingers trailing along its tip. He withdrew it from his belt, twirling it in his hand with such skill. You knew that if it had been activated, neither the main blade nor the two smaller ones would have so much as singed him. “Come closer.”

You were visibly shaking as you stepped nearer to him. Rather than cut you through with the laser sword as you were expecting, however, he used the weapon to gesture towards the candies on his pillow. Garbage. As you were doing so, you could not help but ask:

“Strawberry-flavored?”

“No,” sharp, metallic, in a tone that suggested you hurry out of his room with the candies.


	2. Fail-ccess!

Fail-ccess!

You were lying in the middle of the floor. A number of your coworkers managed to notice your presence and walked around you. Others trampled your legs. Grunting, you would swallow the pain and remain in your prone position. Eventually you turned so that it was your back against the floor. You sighed heavily, feeling rather sorry for yourself. All that candy, wasted. Your intentions had been to be kind yet professional to the Knight of Ren, and he only considered your work to be garbage. Garbage! Keln had referred to you as trash again that day. With another heavy sigh, you rolled onto your side. Despite your failed attempts to please him, Commander Ren had insisted that you, for a fourth time, ready his quarters for him. Who the _fuck_ didn’t like candy?

Flowers wouldn’t do either, you reasoned; and it was not as though you were attempting to romance him. Still, you wondered if leaving only the wine would be sufficient. What if he had come to expect more and was displeased that you surrendered to your many failures so easily? You released a low sound that was akin to a growl and flipped onto your back. A pair of stormtroopers marched past you, breaking apart from one another to avoid stepping on you. You appreciated the gesture, you did.

And then came the one individual that would neither step around you nor trod on your person. He simply paused, his boots mere inches from your body. You stared up at the ceiling though watched him with great caution in your peripheral. A second individual approached from the other side. Another set of boots, the toes of which almost brushed against your uniform. General Hux and Kylo Ren considered one another. They were having another disagreement, and your presence was of no consequence.

After addressing the General by name and approaching, Kylo Ren had begun to speak of an alteration he wished to see. You were quite thankful it had nothing to do with you; at the same time, you wished he had been requesting a different officer to ready his quarters. Or an actual maid. This was not exactly what you had signed up for when you had joined the First Order and completed your training. General Hux responded, the two almost in one another’s face. You blinked as their chins—well, you reasoned, General Hux’s chin and the edge of Kylo Ren’s mask—obscured your view of the ceiling.

The general would probably have appreciated your gesture at putting candies on his pillow, you thought. He most likely would have graded you on the designs, finding any and all flaws. A part of you wished you could prepare his quarters for him just to see. Although apparently he had a cat, and said creature might decide to bat away the candies—and would the candy poison the cat at all? You would feel horrible if that were to happen. No, you decided, it was best that you did _not_ prepare the general’s living quarters for him.

You blinked upon realizing that their faces were still in close proximity to one another’s. If either of they were to be bumped, General Hux would either be kissing the bottom portion of Kylo Ren’s mask or sporting a bloody, possibly broken, nose. Before either of these things could happen, however, the redhead broke away, swerving around to see through the tasks that had apparently been assigned by Supreme Leader.

Kylo Ren lowered his chin, dipping it towards his chest so that he could peer down at you in that menacing way of his. You briefly wondered how well his peripheral vision was, but then considered that with how strong he was with the Force, he probably did not need to see anyways. He could sense things, after all. He hovered over you as these things filtered through your mind. Then he, much like the general, turned and left in the direction from whence he came.

With a heavy sigh, you returned to your musings over whether or not to attempt a new decoration for his pillow. If he did not like candy, would he have an aversion to all foods that were placed there? A stuffed animal would likely be butchered by the lightsaber that would be run through your body in no time flat.

Dopheld Mitaka advanced down the hallway towards you. “Lieutenant,” you greeted him with sincere politeness. His eyes drifted down to you, and the man paused. He stood with his feet near the bottom of your shoes. His arms were crossed behind his back initially, however he soon dropped them to his sides. “Commander Ren does not like chocolate, vanilla, or swirl…or strawberry-flavored candies. Do you think he dislikes _all_ sweets?”

“Men prefer to _not_ have feminine touches such as sweets on their pillows.” It spoke volumes of how well he knew you, to understand what you were implying.

You heaved a sigh. “A condom would be awkward.” His cheeks reddened and his eyes bulged in his head. The man spluttered out nonsense for a second before you waved a hand. “Sir, if I leave only the wine, he… Well, Lieutenant Mitaka, what if he wants food with his wine?”

“He may not want food with his wine, (L/n).”

You nodded, your gaze drifting away from your superior and up to the ceiling. “Cheese it is.”

.

.

.

You were downright miserable as you slunk through the corridors of the _Finalizer_. Quickly you were learning the shortest paths from various portions of the Star Destroyer to Commander Ren’s quarters. This time when you entered he was not standing, not looming over his bed as he had been the other times. The man was seated on the stool you had saw put to place in his room. His elbows were rested on his knees and he was staring—you assumed he was staring, however with a pitch-black helmet, who could really tell?—at the tray of cheese and crackers that you had set beside the bottle of wine and glass.

“You made TIE-fighters with the crackers…” That masked face turned to consider you. “I didn’t realize the First Order was put in place to raise artists.”

You raised a single hand, which was set in a fist, and lifted only your pinky finger. “Just being fancy, Sir.” He turned back towards the tray, however did not move an inch or say another word. Unsure what else to do, you walked to the edge of his bedside table. Lifting the pate knife, you kept your pinky finger raised as you dipped the knife into the cheese spread then lathered one of the crackers in it. You set the covered cracker back down, plucked up a toothpick, and stabbed one of the cheese blocks. You lifted this, twirling it around, and then replaced it on the tray. You turned to Kylo Ren, who straightened on the stool.

When he rose and stepped closer to you, you prepared yourself for the inevitable. Thus your eyes widened considerably when he lifted the speared cheese cube. He used the toothpick between his fingers and two others to spear all the cubes of cheese. These he placed into your hands. “Take these to the garbage then return.” You left his room with a mixture of feelings. So! Kylo Ren liked cheese spread! You tossed out the blocks of cheese, though once again you hated that you were wasting food, and then, as he had ordered, returned to Commander Ren’s living quarters.

You had to say, you were impressed. He had used the cheese spread as a sort of adherent to build a cracker-shaped TIE-fighter that was, you had to admit, _much_ better than yours. The Force-user did not so much as look at you when you entered the room. He poured himself a glass of wine, swirled the liquid inside the cup, and said:

“Garbage.”

You felt rather deflated. Kylo Ren did _not_ have a penchant for cheese spread. He merely had an uncontrollable urge to one-up people. So what if his artistic skills were better than yours! You would show him!

.

.

.

You were sitting in front of the garbage chute, seriously considering throwing yourself in and down to the compactor. Banging your head against the wall directly below the opening, you groaned. If you continued to provide him with food he did not want, there would be many snacks wasted. Perhaps, you thought, taking a deep breath and straightening up, you were going about this the wrong way. Commander Ren was a man, as Dopheld Mitaka had implied. And you? You were not, though sometimes you wondered if maybe men were women and women were men and everyone was just confused.

Regardless, you decided that you would inquire as to what men would want on their bed.

“A naked woman,” one of the officers said, as though there was nothing better. You pondered for a moment, considering who you could strip and place on the Commander’s bed for him. Ass on his pillow could possibly result in pink-eye—unless he wore his helmet to bed, in which case he probably did not have to worry about that.

In the end, you decided it would be better to _not_ put a naked woman on his bed, and thus you traveled around the _Finalizer_ in pursuit of another wise individual with whom you could converse. And that was when you remembered that Captain Phasma was a female, as you asked her:

“As a man, what would you want placed on your pillow?”

Thankfully, she took it as a hypothetical inquiry and replied, her voice _definitely_ not masculine, “A clean pillowcase.” It was logical, and it reminded you that you _did_ need to change Commander Ren’s sheets that day. You thanked Phasma, ensuring that you referred to her as _Ma’am_ before heading away.

At lunch, you approached Keln. You were loath to admit that you required any assistance from him, what with his opinion that you were trash. Still, your emotionally abusive friendship with the man was one of the few long-term relationships you had at all with an officer of your own rank. Thus you grabbed your tray, filled it with food, and plopped down beside him. He did not so much as greet you. The man was in a mood today, it seemed, huffing and rolling his eyes when you presented yourself to his line of vision.

“As a man, what do you have in your bedroom at night?”

“Tissue and some lotion.” You nodded. Kylo Ren had neither of those things. Though you tried not to think about what he would do with such things—you had a notion, but nudged it away then punched it in the face when it bounced right back—you figured that it would not hurt to try. If anything, you could inform the Commander that you feared the air conditioning aboard the ship would render him with a runny nose and/or dry skin. To make your excuse more believable, you also provided him with a cylinder of lip balm.

.

.

.

Okay, okay, you screamed inside your head. You should _not_ have made a smiley face with some of the tissue. And perhaps you should have foregone the wine as well. What would he think? That you were telling him to get drunk so that he could take advantage of himself? You huffed, eyes running along the doors as they slid open, and stepped inside the man’s quarters.

“Commander?” you intoned, trying to keep face.

The man once more was devoid of his cowl. Kylo Ren was standing directly next to his bedside table. He lifted the bottle of lotion in one hand, extended his arm off to the side towards you. You stepped forward and seized the object. He picked up the box of tissue and did likewise. At last did the man lift up the lip balm. He held it on its side, displaying the top label. You found your cheeks heating up. You had forgotten that some of the lip balms provided were scented. You had never intended to give him very-cherry flavored/scented lip balm.

“That… That one’s mine,” you stuttered out. “I think I mixed the two. That’s my cherry; I’ll take it back.”

“Pray tell, what flavor you were intending to leave here?” that mocking voice inquired. You opened your mouth to answer, however discovered immediately that you were unaware of the other flavors. _Original_ was a possible response, and yet there was a chance he would press further. Your superior closed his hand around the cylinder, turning to you again. You ducked your head. Flinching when he raised his hand, you found your head spinning in more than mild confusion at the sensation of the tissue and lotion being lifted out of your grasp. He replaced these on the bedside table. “You may leave.”

“Do… do you want a different lip—“

“No,” he said simply, emotionlessly. “Your cherry is fine.”

You quickly left his room, practically running through the halls to retreat as you tried to figure out how to feel about that. You paused at the entrance to the garbage chute. If you threw yourself in, would everything be better? Crumpling, you laid down in the middle of the floor. The night crew had a harder time avoiding stepping on you, many of them having never encountered a trip hazard such as your body before.


	3. Filthy

Filthy

It was not going to be the most conventional task you had been given as an officer of the First Order. In a way, it was rather…trashy. That sentiment made you think of Officer Keln, who had opted to refer to you as _scum_ rather than the usual _trash_. Allowing yourself a moment to mope over his treatment of you, you returned to your duties. You slipped into the small shop. Personally you had never been inside, however a number of your fellow officers had mentioned it. When one was aboard a ship for so long, certain desires formed. To prevent any pent-up energies or feelings from developing into violence, it had been seen fit to provide the officers with a place in which they could find…porn.

You scrunched your nose. Commander Ren had not told you exactly what he wanted. Simply: _I require entertainment._ Given the fact that he had accepted the lotion and tissue, you figured this meant he was wanting something to watch while he masturbated. If you were wrong… You hoped he had a sense of humor.

Walking down one of the few aisles that were in the shop, you eyed the pictures. A datacard would be given, which one could place into a holopad for the purpose of watching the video. What did Commander Ren like when it came to sex? You paused at that thought. This was a man who did not like chocolate, vanilla, strawberry flavored candy… He did not like crackers and cheese… Was he as picky with sex? You squinted, your gaze shifting between two of the pictures before you. You picked up both, reading the summaries.

“If I were a guy…this would do,” you muttered to yourself. You replaced the other on the shelf then ventured to the front of the shop. When you set the art in front of the man at the register, he glanced from it to you. You scowled, hoping he would hurry and ring you up.

.

.

.

You reentered Commander Ren’s quarters. He was standing at the end of his bed, the holopad playing the pornographic movie. Lifting an arm, he gestured to the video. “There are two girls.” Okay, so perhaps he had never seen lesbian porn, or wasn’t into it. You nodded. “A Twi’lek and a human…” You attempted to avert your gaze from the scene that was playing. The Twi’lek was eating out the human woman. “Garbage.”

“I… I actually have to return it, Commander Ren. I can’t throw it—“

He made a gesture with his hand and the chip popped out of his holopad. Immediately the video stopped, and you walked to the bed to retrieve the item. “I do not wish to see two women like this.”

Wow, that was _not_ the sort of response you had been expecting from the man. You nodded dumbly then took your leave.

.

.

.

“Pray tell, what gave you the impression that I would watch two men in this state?” he asked the next night. The holopad was in his hand, and he was practically hitting you with it as he shook the item. On display was one man fucking another bareback. You ducked your head. When he had reacted that way to seeing two women, you had believed him to be homosexual. Apparently you had been wrong.

“Sir, I… That one’s mine, Sir,” you lied. The holopad remained perfectly in place, and you could feel his eyes boring into you behind that mask of his. “Two, uh, hot guys is just my thing.” Kylo Ren turned his attention to the video that was playing on the holopad. The dominant male was starting to spank the other’s ass as he continued to fuck him.

“Yours?” In an unsure tone, which was new to you when it came to the Commander.

You bent your knees a little, losing some height as you said in a squeaky voice that quaked in fear, “N-no… I just… I just didn’t want you to think… Uhm… I’ll try again tomorrow?” He removed the datacard, flicking his wrist so that the object hit you lightly in the head. Kylo Ren then turned and walked to his bed.

.

.

.

“Why would you give me—“

“This was _not_ in the summary, Sir,” you said, eyes wide as you watched the scene. Upon your entering his quarters, Kylo Ren had rewound the video and replayed what had struck him as off. Seeing it, you did not know how to feel. “Uhm… There was no mention of, uh… Of the female…peeing…in his…mouth… Er… But… But other than that… This is the coupling you want, correct, Sir?”

“You are inadequate at providing entertainment.” He could not tear his eyes away from the video, and part of you wished you could see his face underneath. Was he horrified at having watched such a thing? Disgusted? Confused? A mixture of things?

His insult did not sting quite so much. You took no offense to being told you could not find good porn. That was not in your job description, and why the hell was he making _you_ get it for him anyhow?

“Is the wine to your liking though? It’s a different flavor. We ran out of the old one, Sir.”

“It is…adequate.” With a sigh that filtered through his vocoder, Kylo Ren removed the datacard, pressing it into your hand. “Do not disappoint me again.”

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.

.

He had not called you all night. Which was wonderful in the fact that it allowed you to believe you had succeeded. You had picked out the perfect pornographic video for Kylo Ren! That thought caused your ego to deflate. You could not exactly brag about that accomplishment to your peers. Sulking, in the morning you ventured to the man’s quarters. You punched in the code and entered. Some of the tissue was missing. Yes. The video had been a success! You cringed the next second. The fact that your superior masturbated should not give you so much glee.

You took out the trash bag you had brought with you and started to clean everything. His sheets were set to be changed as well. As you were changing his sheets, Commander Ren entered his quarters. You froze, hoping he was not in a poor mood. “A female masturbating.”

Ah-ha! He had given you something specific at last! And now you knew for sure he was interested in females. Nodding, you pulled the pillowcase over his pillow. “With her fingers, a dildo, other random objects?” He had been reaching for his cowl, which he had left behind previously, however he stopped and considered you. “There are… Well, there are a few ways that—“

“No foreign objects.” He grabbed up the cowl, wound it around himself, and exited his quarters.

Once you were finished with changing his sheets, you wandered to the shop. The man behind the desk at that point recognized you. He nodded in greeting, and you waved. Walking to the correct section, you began looking at the different available videos. Toys. A vegetable. The hilt of a sword or spear. Nothing that indicated no foreign objects were used. Scratching the side of your head, you wandered to the register. You asked the man if he had any videos of the sort you were looking for. Apparently there were none. The crew aboard the _Finalizer_ preferred rougher masturbatory scenes.

You left the shop with an empty datacard and a face filled with blush. No one would find out, you promised yourself. No one would ever know.

.

.

.

How _dare_ he be calling you to his quarters when he was watching a video of _you_ masturbating! Granted, he did not know he was watching a video of you masturbating, and maybe he wasn’t into you. Which would not be the worse thing. You simply did not enjoy the idea that you were failing again. Or that he would call it garbage, because, damn it, Officer Keln had already said that to you earlier! At the very least Lieutenant Mitaka was sympathetic to your treatment. You had made him lunch as thanks for his kind words on more than one occasion.

You walked into the man’s quarters to find that he had the video paused. “This was filmed aboard the _Finalizer_.” Ho crap, how did he know that? You blinked, acting for all the world as if this was news to you. Commander Ren gestured towards a portion of the screen. “That is standard in all officers’ quarters.”

You had not allowed your face to be seen in the video, wearing a mask and a wig. How could you have forgotten to angle the camera so that a telltale sign like _that_ wasn’t visible?

“I have been informed that they do not provide datachips with this sort of—“

“An old boyfriend gave it to me. It’s his ex. I… I figured… Sorry, Sir.”

“What is her name?”

 _Fuck, fuck, fuck!_ “Cindy Liu.”

“I see.” You nodded. “You moan loudly—did your neighbors not hear?” You were absolutely mortified. “Tomorrow I would like food with the wine. You are dismissed, Cindy Liu.”

Bowing your head in shame, you slunk out of the room. Then felt your cheeks heating up further when the sound of the video you had made was heard. He was watching you masturbate and he _knew_ it was you… You half wished he would have told you it was garbage. Told you to throw it away. Because you felt rather filthy and trashy, and suddenly you had a name for yourself for your pornographic career.


	4. Trash

Trash

You were lying in the middle of the floor of the kitchen when Lieutenant Mitaka arrived. Apparently you were both a trip and health hazard, what with the fact that your hair was not in a net. With a low grumble, you rose and accepted the hair net from your superior. He was your personal favorite, if you had to pick anyone, on the ship. In fact, during the first few weeks aboard the _Finalizer_ , you had fantasized about the man while masturbating. Then the two of you got to talking, and he had been friendzoned. Not that he seemed to mind. He rather enjoyed your conversations—why else would he come back for more?—yet did not press for anything further. He may not even consider you a friend, you thought, but rather a disturbed subordinate who needed checking up on.

“Commander Ren has told me he wants food with his wine, Sir,” you informed the man. Lieutenant Mitaka gave a nod to indicate he was listening. You tapped a gloved finger against your chin. “But, Lieutenant, he did not say what… And every other time I brought him food, he made me throw it in the garbage. What do you think?”

“Perhaps you should make him a sandwich.”

“I don’t need sexism, Lieutenant,” you said as respectfully as you could muster.

Mitaka shook his head, appearing rather at a loss as to what to say. You decided that a sandwich was a safe bet. What kind of sandwich though? There were so many. Different cheeses. Different meats. Condiments. Lettuce or no lettuce? Maybe no meat? Perhaps he would want jelly? You glanced towards Lieutenant Mitaka. He looked hungry. He was your string bean, and you loved him—as a friend, Mitaka! Although, you admitted to yourself as you eyed him up and down, if he wanted to have a one-night stand, you would not say no.

“Are you hungry at all?” He shrugged, stating that he would ate if you made him something. “What kind of sandwich do you want?” You made two of what he said, one for him and one for Commander Ren. “Chips with it? Should I bring a soda as well as wine? Maybe I should do something fancier.”

“If he has you throw away the fancier food, I’m sure you’ll be disappointed.” Lieutenant Mitaka lifted the sandwich you had made him and took a bite. You watched him chew. The man was so adorable in many ways, and you hoped he _never_ found out about your porn video.

“…yeah, that’s true.” Now you were starting to wonder if Lieutenant Mitaka watched porn. What sort of porn would he like? Slinking down to the middle of the floor, you stared up at the ceiling. Was Commander Ren wanting another datachip? And what if he wanted one from you? What if your neighbors _did_ hear you? Heaving a sigh, you turned onto your side and stared at Lieutenant Mitaka’s boots. “Is the sandwich good, Sir?”

“Yes, (L/n),” Mitaka said, and you could feel his eyes on you.

“Do you really think I’m _high quality_ trash, Sir?” You looked up at his face to find that his mouth twitched. He was trying to hold back a smile, yet failed. You weren’t trash, he told you. Biting down on your bottom lip, you shifted to where you were on your knees. Boy would his opinion change if he ever saw the video you had made for Commander Ren.

.

.

.

You had very mixed feelings when you entered the man’s quarters upon being summoned. The sandwich you had made for him was three-fourths of the way eaten. Apparently you should take Mitaka’s advice more often, you thought. Some of the wine was also gone. The soda you had placed by his bedside to go with the sandwich was now empty. A few chips were missing. All in all, you had done well. You were quite pleased with yourself at this, and even more confused as to why he had summoned you there.

The door closed behind you. You half turned, feeling your pulse quickening as you twisted back so that you were again facing him. Commander Ren, sitting on the stool, gestured towards the bed. You followed the trail and discovered that there was a stormtrooper helmet on it. “If you want to hide your face,” he said. Your stomach churned and your heart sank. You shuffled over to the bed and picked up the helmet. Slipping it over your head, you shifted from leg to the other.

You had started this, you told yourself. Even if you had believed that no one would know it was you. And the ship did not provide the sort of pornographic scenes he wanted. Your breath was echoing in your ear inside the helmet. From his position, Kylo Ren informed you that you could lie on the bed, but you were to first remove your shoes. You kicked off your boots, adjusted them so that they were lined up beside each other on the ground, and then you moved onto the bed. The covers had not yet been pulled down, and so you laid atop them.

“Through your clothing.” You tried to relax yourself, thought about how that morning Officer Keln had been checking out your ass. Even if he thought you were trash, he wanted to fuck you. You hoped he _definitely_ never saw the video you had made for the man across from you. Your hands trailed along your breasts. Down your sides. Up again. One hand caressing your breasts, you moved the other down to your clothed pussy. You cupped yourself. It was hard to get aroused. You were much too nervous, partly due to the fact that no one had ever watched you masturbate before…er, in person. “Take off your clothes. You can keep your bra and underwear on.”

His voice and words sent a shiver down your spine. You sat up, shrugging out of your shirt and pants. You gestured towards your feet, your socks. Kylo Ren told you that those could stay, too, if you so wanted. Now wearing only your underclothes, you laid back down on the bed. He asked—actually asked, as though he were unsure, which caught you off-guard—if you would bend your knees and spread your legs. You adjusted your position to this stance, giving him a rather generous view of your crotch.

You stared up at the ceiling. It was so plain, so relaxing. These facts were why you sometimes laid down in the middle of the floor when you were feeling overwhelmed. Just think of that, you told yourself. Relax. Trace your fingertips along your stomach. Dip three of those digits towards your cunt. You were starting to feel heat pooling. You lifted your hips off the bed a bit, your eyelids fluttering behind the mask of the helmet as you ghosted the tips of your fingers over your clothed entrance. Up towards your clit. Your panties were wet.

You heard movement at the end of the bed, coming from where the stool was. Lifting your head as you traced a line along your inner thigh, you caught him pawing at the front of his pants. He froze, seeing that you were watching him. Kylo Ren raised a hand, and you felt a sudden pressure, which pinned your shoulders more firmly against the bed. You let your head fall back, and the pressure disappeared.

Did he have a small cock, you wondered. Why did he not want you to see him masturbate when he was the one who had started this?

A sigh slipped past your lips, your fingers working your clit through your panties while you used one hand to grope your chest. You smeared your juices into the material of your underwear, dragging up the wet cloth to your clit. Then, finding that this was not enough, you reached down between your legs further to shove aside the material. Your cunt was exposed to the man, and you could tell he was watching by how his breath came out in a hitched noise through his vocoder. You coated three fingers in your wetness then rubbed your clitoris. You were rocking into your own touch, trying to control your breathing.

Clothing being shuffled. You could hear him, however you tried to not think about it. You stared up at the ceiling, slipping a finger inside of yourself. He was starting to touch himself as he watched you. You could hear him pumping his cock, and you added a second then third finger. Fucking yourself faster, removing those digits and teasing your clitoris again.

“Get on your hands and knees,” he said. The vocoder helped to keep his voice more neutral than it actually was. His breathing was labored. You obeyed, rolling onto your stomach before adjusting yourself further. You reached down between your legs when he commanded you to do so. Started pleasuring yourself while staring down at his wrinkled blankets.

You felt something touching your hand, and you tensed. It wasn’t flesh. He was pressing something into your grasp. You did not try to look to see what it was; if he did not want you to see him, he would not allow you to look down at all. “Wh-what?”

“Use this.”

It was thick, cylindrical. You ran your thumb over the tip of it, trying to figure out what exactly he was having you fuck yourself with. You had to spread your legs a bit as you positioned it at your entrance. Metal. You shivered at the coolness of the surface. Smeared it with your juices and slowly started to slide it up inside of you. You whimpered at the feeling of being stretched by something of its size. Ridges, you found as it moved more deeply inside of you.

The sight must have been exciting him. You could hear him working his cock faster. You started to withdraw the object then pushed it back in. Your fingers hit over a light protrusion on the object. His hand met yours, shoving your limb further up. “Careful.” You made a noise in your throat; he was not releasing the object. One hand was on his cock, the other holding whatever it was that was inside of you. You dropped your hand away from the object, rocking your hips while using your hand to start rubbing your clitoris again.

You moaned wantonly, feeling your nipples harden. The hand you had on the bed curled into a fist, bunching up his blankets further. You fucked yourself on the metal item, feeling your orgasm drawing close. A wet, sticky substance hit your legs, your ass. Behind you, your superior was groaning as he ejaculated. You gasped, finding your release as well. The object was removed from you. You could hear him readjusting himself. Kylo Ren reached past you. He grabbed out some tissue from the box on his bedside table. You turned your head, watching as he cleaned off his lightsaber—you balked, realizing that that was your cum he was wiping off. You cringed, understanding that he had seized the weapon when you had nearly turned it on. That would have been one way to hurt either yourself or him.

“Redress,” he said simply, as though nothing had just happened. You pulled on your clothes, feeling unsure how to feel. Confused. Trashy. Wonderful. As you were doing up the front of your pants, Commander Ren was placing the sullied tissues on the plate that held the rest of his food. He grabbed more, cleaning until none of your essence remained. You had just pulled back on your shoes and removed the helmet when that masked face turned towards you. He gestured to the plate of unfinished food and dirty tissues. “Garbage.”

You nodded slowly, grabbing for the plate with robotic movements. You left his quarters and headed straight for the garbage chute. The plate was dumped along with the contents. You then stood there, staring at the opening.

Two arms caught you around your waist when you tried to dive into the chute. “You’re not garbage, (L/n)!” Lieutenant Mitaka’s voice shouted from behind you.

“You don’t know! I’m such trash!” you grumbled, dead-weighting in his arms so that you were dangling.

“Did he not like the sandwich?”

“No, he liked the sandwich,” you replied with a heavy sigh. “And the soda…some of the chips. I just… Just let me throw myself away, Sir.”

Rather than oblige, the man dragged you backwards and deposited you in the middle of the hallway. You slumped, sighing and lying on your back. Lieutenant Mitaka did something he had never done before. He laid down beside you. In your peripheral, you could see sweat running down his brow. You were stressing him out. Clicking your tongue against the roof of your mouth, you tried to relax yourself. Everyone did trashy things, you reasoned. Confusing, dirty, sexual things with people who were hard to read.

“Lieutenant?”

“Yes, (L/n)?”

“I need to find a woman for Commander Ren.”

“Is…is that what he’s asked for?”

“…not exactly,” you said. You rubbed your chin. “But I think he wants to have sex.”

“Is _that_ why you’ve been seen in the…shop…so often?”

Ah, you thought, so _that_ was why Lieutenant Mitaka had been sending you strange looks. You cleared your throat, nodding.

“The owner thinks you want to have sex with him.” You glanced his way with a horrified expression. That horror grew when you realized he was not joking. Lieutenant Mitaka jumped up just as fast as you, catching you before you cold lunge for the garbage chute. “Stop trying to throw yourself away, (L/n)!”

“But, Sir! Sir! You don’t understand, Sir! I threw away Commander Ren’s personal plate!”

“You… You did _not_.”

“I did, Sir,” you said, bowing your head in shame. “I was distracted, and… And now it’s gone, and I feel like if I throw myself away, I’ll be able to save it from the compactor.”

Wincing, Lieutenant Mitaka walked closer to the chute. His arms were still around your waist. “Well… I’d rather _not_ endure Lord Ren’s wrath.”

.

.

.

“I’m so happy you threw yourself away with me,” you said excitedly, digging through more of the garbage as you tried to locate the plate. Lieutenant Mitaka was completely indignant, occasionally gagging at the rancid smell some of the trash provided. “Oh! And if you see tissues on the plate or near the plate… Just don’t touch them, okay?”

“What… What is on the… Nevermind.” He did not want to know, and you did not want him to know either, which made it work out. “How many times have you thrown yourself away, (L/n)?”

“On purpose or on accident?”

“…both.”

“Uhm… I’ve fallen on accident three times into the garbage chute…and this is my second time having to come in here on purpose.”

“I’ll schedule a psych evaluation.”

“…” You looked over your shoulder at your superior. “Lieutenant? If I make you some brownies, can we avoid the evaluation?” He appeared to be conflicted. Mitaka was distracted by the discovery of the plate the two of you had been questing for. You stared at it, watching the man dump everything off of it and brush it off. “I’ll start washing it immediately. Probably will have to wash it twenty cycles at least.”

“I don’t think that’s going to…” He blinked then looked at you. “Commander Ren _doesn’t_ have a personal plate, (L/n).” You shifted, averting your gaze in shame. “Your evaluation will take place first thing in the morning.”

You were not exactly disappointed by the news. On the contrary, you were quite flattered that Lieutenant Mitaka had even agreed to do something so dirty with you. So trashy. It made you feel loads better about what you had done with Commander Ren.


	5. Thrown Away

Thrown Away

You were pleased to discover that the psych tech conducting the test remembered you well from days of old. He already had a crayon and coloring page set out. You took your seat, enthusiastically lifting up two of the coloring utensils and having them greet one another politely. Their conversation quickly devolved into which would better color the page. Thus, holding one in your left hand and the other in your right, you proceeded to color with both your hands. You went out of the lines twice. Then, kicking off your boots, you used your feet to keep the page in place. Three minutes into your coloring, the psych tech presented you with the first question.

“How are you adjusting to things?”

You well knew he was referring to the fact that you had recently been taken off of anti-depressants. You, Officer Keln, and a petty officer were survivors of a rather unfortunate accident wherein a droid had malfunctioned during training. Two officers and three petty officers had not been so lucky. One of those individuals had been standing directly beside you, and his blood had splattered into your face and all over your hands. You found that you experienced a number of depressive episodes since, your coping methods not the best necessarily as they isolated you from your peers. The fact that you scored rather high on a number of your tests was one factor that kept you from being discharged, albeit honorably, from the First Order.

“Quite well, I think,” you said, glancing up at the man to see that he was making a note on his datapad. “Lieutenant Mitaka is very supportive.”

“When did you last speak with Commander (L/n)?” the psych tech asked. You rolled your eyes whilst continuing to color. This was another factor that kept you from being discharged. Your father was a high-ranking officer, and he was under the impression that you would improve and be able to once more get on the track of progressing further in your military career. You were proud of him and honored to be his daughter, of course. You simply did not know how to feel about the preferential treatment you received here and there.

“He called me on my commlink this morning after hearing about the psych evaluation. It was a good conversation,” you said, again rolling your eyes. The psych tech closed his mouth, having been ready to ask about how it had gone. “My relationship with my father is good. The only way it’s awkward is that I have to salute him sometimes, or when I visit home I’m under the habit of asking if I can speak candidly when we’re not in uniform.”

“It’s very convenient you’ve had many of these evaluations. Things run a lot more smoothly, I have to admit, (L/n).” Convenient. You wondered if this was what Kylo Ren thought of you. When he was having you fuck yourself on his lightsaber—were you just convenient? “Uh… Oh… Are you sexually active at all?”

“Only with these bad boys,” you said, holding up your hands and wiggling your fingers. The pysch tech blushed. You decided it would best to not include Commander Ren’s lightsaber as a sexual partner in this conversation. You doubted he would want people to know, and anyway your father might read the report. Boy would _he_ flip a switch if he knew what his little girl was doing.

“Thank you for that mental image,” the man muttered under his breath.

“Hey!” you said indignantly. “I did _not_ give you permission to think of me masturbating.” He paled and started to sputter out an apology. “Relax, I’m not going to tell my father, if that’s what you’re worried about. Just stop thinking of me with my hands.”

“Of course, (L/n).”

Well, you thought, at least he didn’t say ‘Yes, Cindy Liu’. That would have put a damper on your mood.

“You have been caught laying in the middle of the floor on a number of occasions. It was noted that you remained in place while General Hux and Commander Ren discussed important matters above you.”

“Yeah, they were almost kissing… Their faces were real close. But I doubt they’ll have hate sex. Commander Ren is into women, I’m pretty sure. And General Hux obviously likes pussies, what with him having Millicent and all.” The psych tech looked horrified. You could tell he was conflicted about putting that in the report, given the fact that it would be read by the General for sure. “You can paraphrase. Put something like ‘(L/n) believes her superiors to be heterosexual, and she wonders about this while watching them argue because such aggression is thought to stem from high testosterone levels. This displays that she is sexually aware of those around her, which is an improvement over her previous avoidance of such topics’.”

“I… Yes… Yes, I’ll put that,” he said, quietly thanking you as he did so. Yeah, you thought, you had these evaluations down pat.

.

.

.

You were in a room along with General Hux and Lieutenant Mitaka. The former was staring at his datapad, at the results of your pysch evaluation. “You reported that you believe it prudent to toss yourself down the garbage chute due to your comrades referring to you as trash…and because the thrill of falling down the chute increases your level of endorphins and adrenaline.”

“Correct, Sir,” you said, glancing towards the lieutenant. Dopheld Mitaka openly sighed. No doubt he had already revealed to General Hux that he had been tricked into joining you the previous day.

“There are a number of diseases you can catch from such actions.”

“I am up to date on my shots, General,” you replied pleasantly.

“Be that as it may, refrain from throwing yourself away again.”

“Yes, Sir.”

.

.

.

You were eating a candy bar while straightening Commander Ren’s quarters. It was not as though he made a huge mess. The only evidence that any one even spent time in the room were the mussed sheets of the bed. These you fixed. The lotion and tissues had been moved to the bathroom previously so that you did not knock them over while you wiped down the dresser on which they normally sat. You finished with your tasks, took another bite of your candy bar, and swept the room with your eyes.

The door opened behind you. You glanced over your shoulder to find the Knight entering. He did not look your way, simply moved further into his quarters. He slumped down onto the stool, and it was at that point that you could see he was not in the best of moods. Not necessarily angry, you thought. His fingers were not twitching in any sort of agitated state. He was simply…brooding.

“Sir, would you feel better if you threw me in the garbage chute?” Kylo Ren slowly turned his helmeted head in your direction. You knew he was watching you through that black visor of his. “I’m not allowed to throw myself away anymore. General Hux does not approve. But, if you want… Well, if _you_ threw me away, I’m sure it’d help both of us. I prefer feet first, although I’ve gone head first down the chute a few times.”

“You want me…to treat you like garbage?” You shrugged then nodded. “You have abnormal predilections.”

Despite his words, Commander Ren stood. His booted footsteps were not exactly loud, but neither were they soft. He exited his quarters, and you followed obediently after him. It was not far to the nearest garbage chute. Kylo Ren pressed the button and it opened. He then placed a hand on your back, directly between your shoulder blades, and urged you closer. He slipped his arms underneath your armpits, lifting you and easing you down into the opening of the chute. You dangled there, waiting for him to release you so that you would slide down. Your heart was racing in your chest in anticipation.

“When is the compactor set to run?” he asked.

You thought for a moment. “Forty-five minutes, give or take forty minutes. What time is it?”

“(L-L/n)!” you heard Lieutenant Mitaka’s voice shout. You and Commander Ren both turned to the individual. The combination of movements caused you to fall out of the Force user’s hold, and you slipped down the chute. Your heart was in your chest as you slid.

.

.

.

It was the same psych tech from that morning. He was groaning, holding his head in his hands, his entire body slumped over his desk. Lieutenant Mitaka was in a similar state on the couch beside you. Commander Ren was standing off to the side, no doubt wondering why he was even present. You, meanwhile, were bouncing your legs as you sat beside the unfortunate lieutenant. You honestly did not see what the big deal was. Everyone else assumed that you would have a nervous breakdown with one of your superiors tossing you down the garbage chute. They kept insisting that you were _not_ trash.

Perhaps this had more to do with the fact that the compactor had turned on and almost killed you before Commander Ren realized what was going on and used the Force to keep the walls from smooshing you while others turned off the machine. Not to mention your nonchalant response, when they did get you out, of:

“Well, that would have been a bloody mess. No cleaning up though; I was in the garbage already.”

Presently you turned to Lieutenant Mitaka. You sort of wanted to pet his head, to comfort him like the lost pup he currently was. You adored the man, and seeing him so upset did not make you feel good. You decided that you would make him brownies to help cheer him up. He liked those.

.

.

.

What you were _supposed_ to be doing was heading back to the kitchen to get the last of the things Commander Ren wanted for his room. What you _were_ doing was lying in the middle of his floor between the bed and stool. You stared up at the ceiling while the man opened the wine bottle then paused. He seemed to remember you had forgotten to bring him a glass, as he swirled the liquid within the bottle and stared at the mini tornado that formed.

“Daily visits with the psychologist,” you said with a heavy sigh. You rolled onto your right side then your left. Onto your stomach. Once more on your back. Kylo Ren stepped over you, sat on the stool, and stared down at your form as he swirled the wine a second time. “And my father’s going to be contacted.”

“Survivor’s guilt?” that modulated voice said, repeating a term that had been used during your session. You rolled your eyes, explaining the incident that had taken place nearly a year before. Your eccentricities had worsened after the accident, and yes, perhaps you did have a continued case of survivor’s guilt. But that did not mean you needed to see a psychologist! “I see.”

As he said those two words, he lowered the wine bottle so that you were able to grasp it. Sitting up, you placed your lips over the opening and took a swig. The alcohol burned on its away down. You had not been allowed a drink in a few months, what with the fact that it could worsen your mood, make you sulk more. The wine had a good flavor, if you did say so yourself. You took a second drink. A third. A few more after that, feeling more and more relaxed.

“I can see why you’re an alcoholic,” you said when the bottle was halfway empty. The helmet tilted to the side, the man wearing it watching you in silence. You set the rim of the bottle against the mouthpiece of the mask. “It’s good. Glug, glug, glug,” you slurred, making drinking noises as you poured a little against his mask, down the front of him.

“You’re funny,” he said, not abandoning that stoicism he was so popular for. You giggled in response, placing your mouth around the entire opening and drinking again. One of his hands shot out, pulling the bottle out of your grasp. “An artist, a depressive, and a lightweight.”

“And a porn star,” you said, spreading your arms out in a look-at-me fashion. “You’re speaking to Cindy Liu here.”

“The officer that had been next to you during the incident—you think about him often.”

“He was Keln’s younger brother,” you mumbled, sitting with your back against the bed frame. “Officer Keln thinks I should have been killed instead. I’m just trash, he says. Riding on daddy’s coattails.” Drunkenly, you blinked and pointed at Commander Ren’s lightsaber, which was on his hip. “I rode that, y’know.”

“Yes.”

“Almost impaled myself on it.”

“The blade would have come out the other side.”

“Oh… So I almost castrated you.”

“Yes.”

“Well… Sorry about that.” You pushed yourself up into a wobbly standing position. Kylo Ren watched you as you made your way towards the door. You asked if he wanted you to get the other items he had requested, and the man shook his head in the negative. “Oh… Okay. Uhm… Thanks for throwing me away. It was nice.”

“Do you plan on lying in the middle of the floor again?” You shrugged, stating that this was likely. The man gestured towards a corner of his room. “You may stay there. The stormtroopers and officers complained about a trip hazard.”

“Yup… That would be me,” you grumbled out, slinking over to the spot he had indicated. You laid down on your back then felt something soft touching your hand. You looked down at the material. “A blindfold?”

“Yes.” With a sigh, you tied the cloth around your eyes. Shortly afterwards you could hear the man in the room with you removing his helmet. You looked blindly in his direction. The sound of him drinking some wine. Setting the bottle on the bedside table. Climbing into bed.

A _thwonk_ as something hit you in the head. You released an _oomph_. A second impact, this one lighter. He had thrown a pillow and blanket at you. “St…stop throwing things at me, please, Sir.”

“You asked me to treat you like garbage,” he said plainly.

“No,” you responded. “I asked you to throw me away, Sir. There’s a difference.”

“…interesting.” And he did sound surprisingly interested.


	6. Simple

Simple

“Sir?” A grunt. “Are you awake, Commander Ren?” A deep sigh. Movement coming from the bed. You were sitting up. The issue was that you had to use the bathroom, yet could not see a blasted thing, what with the blindfold and all. “Uhm… Can I take off the blindfold long enough to go to the bathroom?” It sounded as though he was pulling the covers over his head. You took this as a positive sign. Adjusting the blindfold so that you could move it onto your head like a hair band, you slipped into the bathroom. When you were done, you returned to your corner and replaced the blindfold.

The next time you awoke, it was morning. You knew this because the blindfold had been removed by someone. That someone was squatting down a mere foot away from you, staring at you from behind his helmet. He tilted his head to the side when you blinked open your eyes. You pressed closer to the wall, eyeing the crouching figure warily. How long had he been watching you sleep, you wondered. You slowly sat up, rubbing under your eyes with one hand.

“G-good morning, Sir.”

Rather than respond to you immediately, the robed figure that was Kylo Ren stood. He did not turn his head away from you. You could feel his gaze on you the entire time, even as he shifted the slightest bit to the right, your left. “You talk in your sleep,” he said dispassionately. You winced, muttering out the beginnings of an apology only to be cut off. “When I looked into your mind, you were dreaming that you were a tauntaun being cut open.”

You distinctly remembered that dream. Despite being cut open by the man climbing inside of you to keep warm, you were aware of everything that was going on. Because, you see, you were a _magical_ tauntaun that did not feel pain and could still talk after being sliced clean through. You held a rather morbid conversation with man in your dream while he was camped inside of your innards. It had not been a nightmare, though the tone may have suggested otherwise. You wondered exactly how much of your dream Kylo Ren had observed. Then began to ponder over the fact that he had been in your mind in the first place.

“Animal-shaped crackers,” he said seconds before at last removing his gaze from you. He strode out of his quarters, and you were left to yourself. You reasoned that you should change your clothes, however decided it would be more time-efficient to first take care of some of your duties. Such as stripping the sheets from his bed.

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There were frosted or unfrosted animal-shaped crackers. You held either box in your hands, your stare switching from one to the next. Did he have a preference? With a shrug, you dumped a few of each into a bowl to take to Commander Ren’s chambers. As you completed this task, you reflected on the visit you had had with the psychologist that morning. It had been an introductory meeting, wherein not much had been said. He wanted to establish trust it seemed. You only wanted to do your job. And maybe put a cot in the corner of Kylo Ren’s room in case he ever decided to allow you to stay there again.

In the end, you settled for bringing in an extra pillow and blanket, as well as a mat you were able to tuck underneath his bed. He would not notice it unless he went looking, which suited you fine. You set the animal-shaped crackers on his bedside table along with some wine and a bottle of water. If he was going to drink so much, he needed to keep hydrated through better means as well.

The door to Commander Ren’s quarters opened and closed. You chirped out a quick _Hello, Sir_ while placing the finishing touches on his room. When you moved to leave, his arm caught you. You stopped immediately, looking up at him. “Stay.” He gestured towards the animal-shaped crackers on his bedside table. “You can have the frosted ones.”

 _I don’t know how I feel about this,_ was one thought that flowed through your mind. The other was: _Sweet! I love those!_

Both those thoughts faded away when the man in front of you reached up and removed his helmet. His back was to you, and all you could see was hair. Really nice, well-kempt hair. Your jaw dropped a little. When he turned around it dropped even more. This was _not_ how you had imagined Kylo Ren would look like without his helmet. You had imagined someone older-looking. Horribly scarred. Maybe deformed. Not this man before you. He eyed you as though you were strange, his brow furrowing and his lips pressing together.

“You may sit on the bed,” he said. With a gloved hand, he reached for the bowl and lifted it. You slowly walked to the piece of furniture he had indicated, and you slipped down into a sitting position on the edge of the mattress. Commander Ren plucked out two of the frosted crackers and handed them to you.

Holding the tauntaun-shaped cracker and the nerf-shaped one in either of your hands, you set their feet against your knees. You made a noise in the back of your throat, having one growling at the other. Kylo Ren turned, watching you. Aware of your audience, you slumped your shoulders and made the noises in your head. Still, your hands making the crackers move gave away that you were continuing to play with your food. Your superior reached forward, pinched the top of the nerf-shaped cracker, and bent his wrist. The head snapped off noisily, and your mouth opened.

“You… You killed my nerf!” As a way of response, Kylo Ren set the broken piece on your knee. He then reached into his bowl, withdrew one of the plain crackers, and took a bite.

“It’s a cracker. The nerf could not die,” he said simply. You pressed your limbs closer towards yourself when the man took a seat on the bed near you. You picked up the piece he had broken off of your nerf cracker and ate it. As you munched on the morsel, you resumed making the two creatures, one sans head, interact. “The sex dream you had last night wherein I was an old man… What is your impression now?”

Ah, crap, you thought. He had been watching your dreams for a lot longer the previous night than you had believed. That bit had come before the tauntaun portion.

“You kept muttering about a ‘helmet guy’ while you were sleeping,” he said when you did not respond verbally. You shyly looked at his face. Kylo Ren was staring straight ahead, raising a hand to his mouth and biting down on the edge of a cracker. “In the past, those assigned to preparing my quarters used droids to assist them. You have been doing everything by hand.”

“Is… Is that why you requested that I be the one to keep doing it?”

“Yes. And I was interested to see what you would bring next. Do not disappoint me tomorrow night.”

“What do you want tomorrow night?” His mouth curved upwards in one corner, a smirk on his lips before he managed to assume a neutral expression. Ah, you realized, back to guessing games.

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The psychologist persistently asked why it was you wanted to be thrown away. He also questioned why you had requested Kylo Ren throw you away. You answered these nonchalantly, stating that it was quite fun so long as you did not hit your head on the way down the chute. Landing in stinky garbage was a downside, but there was no other equivalent to the slide-like structure anywhere else aboard the _Finalizer_. With a sigh of dismay, you were dismissed for the day. You immediately went to Lieutenant Mitaka so that you could ask him how he liked the brownies you had made for him as way of apology.

“They’re nice, (L/n),” he said after some hesitation.

“I don’t want you to have a nervous breakdown,” you said to him, wincing a little as you thought of the way he sometimes panicked over your strange antics. Mitaka visibly relaxed, a small smile on his lips. “Do… Do you want a shoulder massage?”

His cheeks heated up and he sputtered nonsensical syllables for a moment before managing: “It would be…inappropriate. I am on duty—I’m your superior.” He awkwardly dismissed himself and left. You did not take offense; apparently he found you attractive in some way to warrant such a reaction. He was so cute when he blushed, you thought.

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When Commander Ren entered his quarters, he removed his helmet without a word. You glanced his way, rather pleased that he was comfortable enough with you—or perhaps you mattered little—to expose his face. It was a nice face too, you thought. Masculine. Nice lips. Expressive eyes. Those eyes staring at you and those lips pulled into a frown. You turned back to what you were doing before he had entered.

“Garbage.” Less robotic, what with the fact that his voice wasn’t filtered through the vocoder. You frowned despite this. The candy you had brought was _not_ garbage. Caramels were delicious. Creamy. Sticky. Could be so sexual apparently, because that last bit caused you to glance towards the lightsaber on his hip and remember what you had done with it.

“Could… Could you just try one, Sir?” Kylo Ren moved closer, pinching the wrapper between two fingers on either side. He tugged, the candy twisting. Then, withdrawing it from the plastic, he raised the sweet to his mouth and bit half of it. He paused after chewing the first time. When he set the other half into his mouth, you felt pleased with yourself. At least that piece wouldn’t go to waste.

“Four pieces.” You scooped up the other three pieces you had laid out, keeping those four available to him while you placed the extras back into the bag. When you turned, you found him staring at you expectantly. “I thought you were an artist.” You glanced back at those four pieces of candy. What were you supposed to make? Furrowing your brow, you moved two of the pieces so that they were parallel to one another. The remaining two you placed below, forming an awkward smiley face. “Not quite fancy.”

“Well, apparently you prefer simple, Sir,” you said, remembering all of your failed attempts to please him.

“It is adequate for tonight. Tomorrow bring entertainment.”

You narrowed your eyes in thought, nodding as you left.

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“You brought…holochess,” the man said, staring at the board.

You nodded enthusiastically. “It’s pretty entertaining, Commander.” He had not yet removed his helmet, and so you could not read his expression. “Uh… You weren’t wanting porn _again_ , were you?”

Kylo Ren gestured towards the game. “Garbage.”

Perhaps he was wanting porn again, you reasoned.


	7. Cumdumpster

Cumdumpster

Sometimes it could be difficult to get out of bed. Gravity tried to keep you there, which was strange considering the fact that you were in space. Granted, you were aboard a ship, and Kylo Ren had not thrown a tantrum near the stabilizers so things were going according to the norm. You would literally roll out of bed on days such as those, sometimes landing on your hands and knees. Other times falling onto your side. Once on your back and hitting your head on the floor a moment later. This time you managed to catch yourself on your hands, however your legs slammed against the metal floor painfully. Wincing, you crawled over to the dresser and withdrew a clean uniform. You used the nearest refresher then dressed. Rather than wander off to conduct your assigned tasks, which included seeing the psychologist and tending to Commander Ren’s room, you froze upon seeing a maintenance droid. You then slunk through the hallways, following the droid. You felt groggy, and really it was such a mundane thing to do. But the machine did not have any level of intelligence that would convince it to report you, or even notice you beyond an instance in which you were obstructing it from its tasks.

You were not hungry throughout the day. Your stomach did grumble, did feel empty, and yet you felt no initiative to wander towards the cafeteria to feed yourself. Literally dragging your feet, you found yourself stuck in one of the elevators with the droid. It beeped a few times as it waited to arrive on a different floor. You slipped over to the corner of the elevator and sat down. You remained hunched in the corner even when the maintenance droid exited. When the doors closed, you laid on your side, your knees drawn towards your chest. You stared at the top of the elevator doors. After a while, you fell asleep.

What woke you, roughly fifteen minutes later, was the sound of footsteps. Boots filled the elevator, each of the Stormtroopers managing to avoid stepping on you. The one closest to you stared down at you. No doubt he, or she, was wondering why an officer was on the ground as you were. Perhaps the Stormtrooper’s curiosity faded, or he/she realized who you were, as he/she looked away. Throughout the day, others who entered the elevator acted similarly. This allowed you to drift off randomly.

Your final nap was interrupted when a boot was set against your ankle. You winced at the pressure, yelping when more was added. Your eyes snapped open, and you peered up at the individual who was assaulting you. You lowered your gaze immediately at the sight of your superior. His presence indicated that he had been to his room already, that he had seen you had done nothing to it. Which, in turn, meant that it was past dinnertime. Commander Ren said nothing to you. He removed his boot, setting it beside its twin. You could feel his gaze on you for a few seconds longer. Then the elevator stopped moving, the doors opened, and he strode away.

You sat up, your back against the wall of the elevator as the doors began to slide close. You stared at your reflection in the metal. You looked pathetic, wretched even. Your lips parted as you watched yourself. A question formed in your mind: had Kylo Ren foregone killing you for your discretion against him due to your appearance? He was not known to show mercy, yet you had seemed to intrigue him over the course of your interactions with him. Then again, you thought, he could have hurt you without killing you. Impaled you with his lightsaber in the leg or arm. Cut off your hand. Something.

 _Maybe he doesn’t like that sort of stuff in his porn though,_ was all your brain supplied.

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When you managed to slink off to bed, you fell asleep despite having been unconscious through the majority of the day. It was morning when one of your superiors entered your quarters. You jumped at the sight of Lieutenant Mitaka walking into your room. His jaw was tense as he tried to give you a severe look. It faltered when you smiled up at him, you being genuinely happy to see the man. “Hello, Lieutenant,” you said, slipping out of bed. He averted his gaze upon noticing that you were clad in only a shirt and panties.

“(L/n),” he started, his voice catching in his throat before he managed to regain control over himself. “One more discrepancy and you will be sent to reconditioning. General Hux is not pleased with the fact that you failed to report to the psychologist. Commander Ren is displeased as well; you neglected your duties.”

“Sorry, Sir,” you said, grabbing out new clothes. You stripped right there, figuring that he would not look what with the way he had acted when you were wearing only underwear and a shirt. When you turned to face him, however, you found his eyes roaming over your nakedness. You blushed, quickly pulling on your clothes and fixing your hair. You shifted nervously, clearing your throat. “It, uh, won’t happen aga—“

“I…almost prefer when you’re throwing yourself away.” Having noticed that you had caught him staring, your superior had turned his head. With you dressed, however, he was once more facing you. He hooked a finger into the collar of his shirt, tugging a little when you stepped closer to him. You glanced down at his pants, pausing as you saw exactly how your nakedness had affected him. Lieutenant Mitaka dropped his hands to obscure the bulge. “Due to your violation of regu… (L/n).” You had stepped forward once more, closing any distance between you and him.

“I was just tired yesterday, Lieutenant,” you said in a soft voice. “I’m sorry… I don’t want you to worry.” His Adam’s apple bobbed, and he visibly trembled. You placed your hands atop his, pushing lightly until you could worm one of your limbs past his and touch the bulge through his pants. You stroked his erection, and the man swore. Conflicted emotions rolled on his features. He wanted this, yet it was inappropriate. He was your superior. You were in an emotionally compromised state, and he—he ground his hips against yours when you pressed up against him. “Mitaka, I—“ His hand covered your mouth gently, and he shushed you. All the same, he did not stop grinding against you. You nodded, understanding that if you spoke he would break contact between the two of you.

You walked backwards to the bed, your hands on his waist to direct him to follow. He did so, even as you sat on the edge of the mattress and spread your legs so that he could slip between them. You closed your eyes, shuddering in pleasure as he humped at you through your clothes. You bucked up, rubbing yourself along him in a way that your clit was stimulated.

The sound of your door opening startled both of you. Lieutenant Mitaka stepped quickly back from you, breaking contact and shifting into a position that prevented his erection from being overly visible. You adjusted yourself as well, tensing when Commander Ren was revealed on the other side. His attention seemed to be on your superior, however it soon traveled to you. You flinched under the scrutiny of that masked visage. Kylo Ren stepped forward and walked to you. He shoved something into your hand. Your fingers closed around the object, which you could readily tell was a data chip. You peeked at it, and your heart sank. It was a blank data chip. With it was a slip of paper. Before you had a chance to read it, the Knight left your quarters. The doors closed behind him, and it was only then that Lieutenant Mitaka looked your way.

“What…” He appeared at a loss for words. Which was just as well, seeing that you were in a similar state after reading the slip of paper.

_No penetration; strictly oral. Facial. Angle that only you and the cock are visible._

Kylo Ren wanted a faceless man to cum on your face. Your eyes instantly darted to the front of Mitaka’s pants. Biting down on your bottom lip and wincing, you slipped the paper over to him. He blushed hotly, his eyes widening.

“You… You’re not obligated to… Rejecting him would be…” He seemed torn as to what sort of advice to give. Then, realizing what you were wanting, he swallowed hard. “(L/n)—“

“It’s a, uh, free blow-job… And…I don’t feel comfortable… I’d feel less…trashy… Could I—“ Clearly uncomfortable, the man took a bit of coaxing before he agreed. You eventually set up the camera, put in the empty data chip, and dropped to your knees in front of the man. You pawed at him through his pants then unzipped him.

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You were trembling as you tried to remain as still as possible on his bed. Kylo Ren had the holopad in front of the both of you. You were kneeling, your hands on the mattress just in front of your knees, and you were quite naked. He had positioned your hair over one of your shoulders, his mouth hovering near your neck on the other side. He was not wearing his helmet, and his leather-clad hands were stroking your sides. Rubbing up and down. You watched the video of you bobbing your head on Lieutenant Mitaka’s cock. Of him seizing the back of your head and starting to fuck your face in earnest. He pulled back, his cum on your face as he ejaculated.

“You liked it,” Kylo Ren said dispassionately. He had dropped a hand from your side to test how wet you had grown at watching your earlier activities with Lieutenant Mitaka. He raised his hand, his fingers level with your face. He played with your juices, making them spiderweb between his digits. His breath was on your neck when he turned his head. His eyes raked along your face; you could see this in your peripheral. “Why were you on the elevator?”

The change in topic nearly gave you whiplash. You blinked, turning to face him. Just as stoic as ever. “Sir?”

“You failed to prepare my quarters as you had been assigned to do. Instead you were on the elevator—why?”

“I…don’t know. I was tired,” you said, trying to keep from reacting too much as the man withdrew his ligthsaber from his hip and set it at your entrance. You gulped, feeling it beginning to slide up into you. Spreading your legs a little wider, you allowed him an easier time of inserting his weapon inside of you. He twisted the lightsaber hilt as he started to withdraw it, again when he moved it back into you. Your mouth fell open, and you were forced to stare at him through half-lidded eyes as your arousal flared.

“You said you don’t want to be treated like garbage,” he said, his eyes falling to observe his work. You met the next thrust of the saber, your chest starting to rise and fall. A smirk on his face when he looked at you next, when you managed to raise your gaze to him. It was a challenge, as though he were asking if you were quite sure with that statement. His mouth opened a little as he watched you panting, observed you riding his lightsaber in earnest as he angled it so that it was stroking your g-spot. “How about Cindy Liu?” You shuddered at the question, feeling a delicious tingling running along your spine.

With his free hand, Kylo Ren reached forward, rewinding the video then pressing play. You watched again the images of Lieutenant Mitaka fucking your mouth, of him cumming on your face. The man quickly removed his lightsaber, prompting you to whimper at the loss of contact, and seized your shoulder, whipping you onto your back. An invisible force kept you pinned to the mattress. You heard him undoing the front of his pants. Could hear him working his cock, fast. His teeth were bared as he stared down at you, his eyes darting to the image that remained on the holopad. That of you covered in cum. His face as he found release caused you to swallow hard. It was erotic, moreso with the feel of his seed splashing your thighs. Of his fingers smearing the semen against you.

“Finish yourself.” You reached between your legs, staring at his face as you found that the pressure was still keeping you pinned, keeping you from obtaining a view of his cock. You rubbed your clit, dragging your juices towards it. His tongue ran over his lips, and you thrust two fingers into yourself, setting the heel of your hand on your clit and fucking yourself in earnest. You moaned loudly as your orgasm washed over you. Your eyelids fluttered. “Do you know what you look like?”

“A…cumdumpster,” you said, feeling the pricklings of shame prodding at your dignity.

“No. You look like you’re ready for me.” At that, he shoved three fingers into you. You gasped, tears gathering in your eyes as your already sensitive nerves were stimulated by his touch. He curled and uncurled those digits, working them into you at a pace that had you moaning in no time flat. Had you panicked a little, your body feeling as though it were on fire. His thumb met your clit. “Cum. Now.” You mewled, your toes curling as your body trembled in orgasm. “Were you informed that your father is making a visit to this vessel?” It set your already racing heart at a faster pace. Panic gripped you, and your eyes widened. Commander Ren removed his fingers from you, thrusting them into your mouth when you started to speak. You whimpered, sucking on the digits, which he was sliding in and out of your orifice. “A quick visit. I expect you to refrain from neglecting your duties despite this.”

You sincerely hoped he was _not_ wanting you to perform sexual acts with him—or another, thinking back to the video you had just made for him—while your father was aboard the _Finalizer_.


	8. Coddling

Coddling

It was somewhat strange having to stand at attention in your father’s presence, and yet you were mostly used to it by now. Your eyes followed his every move as he paced, the man looking through your file. He was frowning as he read the results of your psych evaluation, the added notations regarding your latest discrepancy. The only solace you could take was that ‘Cindy Liu’ was not known to him. The scowl on your father’s face deepened when he remarked over the fact that your main task was to prepare Commander Ren’s quarters. A droid could do that, he said with a sneer. His eyes darted to you, and you could see the disappointment on his face as clear as day. You lowered your gaze, your shame not pretend.

“Slept the entire day?” He was gritting his teeth as he spoke. You flinched at his tone, muttering out a _Yes, Sir. Sorry, Sir._ in a hope to appease him. You were well aware that it would not work. “What were you _thinking_?”

“I…was tired, Sir. Maybe PMS, Sir,” you said in hopes that you would garner either sympathy or that your excuse would embarrass him enough to change the subject. Instead the man looked down at your file, no doubt looking for when your last menstrual cycle was. “Probably not, Sir.”

You endured another fifteen minutes of his expressed disappointment before your father, Commander (L/n), at last dismissed you to tend to your daily duty of preparing Commander Ren’s quarters. He wrinkled his nose at the thought of what you were doing. He believed that you were capable of better things, and in truth you were. All the same, you did not complain—outwardly. On the inside you were half-wishing that you were given something to do other than fulfill Kylo Ren’s every whim. It was not only your sense of duty that had you continuing to do so, but a slight amount of fear, and an even smaller amount of intrigue. And, of course, as loath as you were to admit it, Commander Ren _really_ knew what he was doing with his lightsaber.

You wandered down the corridors, accompanied by Lieutenant Mitaka when he had noticed you. He seemed as professional as ever, however you could see him in your peripheral sneaking glances here and there. Neither of you quite knew what it meant, that you had given him a blowjob. That the two of you had been dry-humping like horny teenagers. You may be simply friends—superior and underling?—with benefits. Or you could be something more. When the two of you could not hear or see anyone else, you both turned to the other.

He closed his mouth, nodding his head to indicate that you could speak first. “It was nice, Lieutenant.”

“Your father is unaware, correct?” You caught yourself before you could give him a sarcastic look and settled instead for nodding. “It’s…unprofessional—“

“Only if we start having an actual relationship,” you said, blinking. “Or if you begin giving me preferential treatment. On a vessel this large… I’m sure plenty of the officers have sexual encounters with their subordinates. It’s consensual, and…” You shrugged. A ‘friends with benefits’ relationship with Lieutenant Mitaka was definitely something you could go for.

He was blushing adorably when he nodded at last. Dopheld Mitaka cleared his throat, dismissed himself, and walked away as you watched him leave. You then continued to Commander Ren’s quarters, where you began things by changing the sheets. The man whose quarters you were in arrived when you were nearly done pulling the new pillowcase over the pillow. You looked over your shoulder at him, tilting your head when the door closed and he removed his helmet. His eyes had darted to you, his brows furrowed.

“Commander (L/n) is acting in the capacity of your father, not of his position.” His disapproval was nearly overridden by his confusion.

You nodded, releasing a sigh. “Yeah, it is sort of…awkward. He’s yelling at me as though he’s my father and not my superior. I mean, really, General Hux or…or technically you could have punished me. Commander (L/n) should not have come here.” The Master of the Knights of Ren crossed the room, plopping down on the stool and watching you smooth out his sheets. “Did he… Uhm, did he say something to you?” You had never before seen the man in front of you so thrown off.

“You…were engaged to be wed.”

“But then enlisted to become an officer of the First Order instead,” you continued, nodding. His eyes searched your face, the question he wanted to ask written all over his countenance. “He cheated on me while I was going through basic training. I dumped his ass. Uhm… Was that all, Sir?”

“Your former fiancé met with an ‘unfortunate accident’ less than a month later.” You averted your gaze. It was something your family did not speak of; you knew your father had arranged for something to happen to the guy you had loved for years. You never wanted to know the details. Kylo Ren stood from his seat, walking over to you. His breath was on your neck, his eyes wandering along your body. “I will do much worse should you perform anything sexual without my consent.” He drew back from you, his boots hitting the floor in even strides as he made his way to the end of the bed. “You’re dismissed.”

Goosebumps on your flesh at the threat, you wasted no time leaving his quarters. What did he even care if you had sexual relations with someone? And did he mean that you could not even masturbate without him telling you that you could? You grit your teeth, your cheeks red in shame. How was it that he managed to make you feel like this?

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All the other times you had been called back to his quarters, you had believed that you could never be more pissed, more disgusted, more stressed out. Yet your father was somewhere on the Star Destroyer at that moment. Disobeying a direct order from Commander Ren could have dire consequences, yet so could your father discovering you doing…whatever it was Kylo Ren required of you. For reasons you were not quite sure of, you were more afraid of Ren’s disappointment than your father’s. It may have something to do with the fact that Commander Ren could use the Force. Or perhaps that your father would be disappointed in you, but would not kill you in a fit of rage. Hurt you? You doubted it, yet there was always the possibility. But not kill you.

When you entered his quarters, you found that your superior was fully robed with his helmet on, although his cowl was absent. He turned, regarding you for a long moment as the door slid closed. Your eyes darted around the room, your mind attempting to find a reason as to why you had been called. A moment later the door opened behind you. You looked over your shoulder, your eyes bulging upon seeing Lieutenant Mitaka entering. He appeared scared shitless, and you could not blame him.

The pair of you were trembling when Kylo Ren stepped over to his bed, hitting a button on his holoprojector that started up the video of Mitaka giving you a facial. When the video came to an end, your superior gestured towards the center of the room. You and Lieutenant Mitaka awkwardly shifted over to there. Commander Ren rounded the two of you, though his gaze appeared to remain on you. With a disinterested command, Mitaka was told to undo the front of his pants. Fumbling to obey, the dark-haired man watched as the Force user stood behind you. You were forced onto your knees with that strange power, your hands jerked behind your back.

A gloved hand touched the top of your head, tilting it back. You looked up at Mitaka’s face as the man was ordered to touch himself. Kylo Ren did not once look in the lieutenant’s direction as the man hesitantly began to obey. You lowered your gaze to the man’s cock, which was already half-mast. Licking your lips, you shuddered as Commander Ren trailed his fingertips along your cheek.

“You’re comfortable with this.” A statement. You were aware that he was testing your thoughts, your mind and emotions. Watching Lieutenant Mitaka masturbate, knowing that he was supposed to cum on your face, was something that, for some reason, you were quite comfortable with. Perhaps because it _was_ Mitaka. You briefly wondered if Kylo Ren would have cared at all if you had been uncomfortable in this situation, or if he would have had you continue all the same.

His hand moved to the back of your head, urging you forward enough so that, when he said to do so, you were able to flick your tongue against the head of Mitaka’s cock. Dopheld released a quivering breath. When you raised your eyes as you repeated the motion, you found that he had closed his eyes. No doubt he was trying to pretend that Kylo Ren was not present. You trailed the underside of your tongue against his slit, and Mitaka’s breath hitched. Ren’s fingers entangled themselves in your hair and he yanked your head back so that contact was broken. You pulled your tongue back into your mouth. You were beginning to breathe more heavily as you watched Mitaka jerk himself off in front of you. He was growing so close, you could tell. You were certain of this when Kylo Ren knelt halfway behind you, that visor of his pointed your way. You panted as the semen hit you in spurts. Closed your eyes and opened your mouth, allowing a string of cum to land on your tongue, which you had hanging partway down your chin.

“You may leave,” that modulated voice said to the other man in the room. Lieutenant Mitaka quickly fixed himself, shuffling out of the room lest he arouse the Knight’s anger for taking too long. When the two of you were alone, the darkly clad man cupped your left breast, squeezing it and then pinching your nipple through your clothes. “Yes.” Understanding fully that he was giving you permission, feeling one of your hands no longer bound by the Force, you reached up to your face, dragging the rest of the semen to your mouth, licking the digit clean then repeating the action.

Kylo Ren seized you by the upper arm, lifting you and steering you over to his bed. He shoved you backwards so that your back hit his mattress while your ass hung halfway off. With a wave of his hand, your bottoms were off your body. You wiggled a bit at the cold draft in the room that ran over your body. He unhooked his lightsaber from his belt, running it along your lower folds. He swiped it twice then pressed the tip against your mouth. You choked as he shoved the metal into your mouth, partway down your throat. As he withdrew the weapon, you found yourself swallowing, licking your lips and then moaning as he again traced the very tip of his weapon along your clit then through your folds. Up and down, twisting it so that it rolled and swirled in teasing ways. You immediately opened your mouth and greedily sucked on the metal when he set it against your lips the second time.

His breathing was becoming louder, enough that you could hear him despite his mask, which was supposed to filter out such sounds. Kylo Ren, this time, began to work the metal hilt into you. You moaned, spreading your legs wider and seizing your bottom lip. He thrust the object in and out of you, slowly dragging it up and teasing your clitoris with the lightest of brushes. You could feel yourself swelling. Panting, you again opened your mouth, moaning around the metal so that the sound caused vibrations to travel along its length.

In the back of your mind, you were wondering what was compelling you to be so compliant. To perform these acts. You were drooling when he removed the weapon this time. You slurped up your drool noisily, your juices mixed with the saliva. “Mmm….fuck… Yeah,” you moaned when he replaced the lightsaber inside of you. You rocked your hips, meeting his frantic thrusts. He was starting to paw at the front of his pants with his free hand. This time you were not pinned by the Force, and you stared at the large bulge that was forming. He definitely was _not_ small. He again withdrew the saber, which caused you to whimper as you were just starting to feel your orgasm building. You sucked on the lightsaber, bobbing your head while keeping your gaze glued to his forming erection. You wished he would undo his pants and—he was no doubt in your head, the man doing just that. You felt yourself growing wetter at the sight of his naked cock. It was thick and large, and you spread your legs in want. 

A chuckle rumbled from his vocoder. “So desperate…” He shifted his weight onto his right leg, tilting his head to the left while setting his lightsaber flush against your cunt. “What would the Commander think?” Your face flushed, and you shuddered at the thought of your father knowing you were like this, of him thinking of you acting this way. Swiping upward, he teased your entrance then flicked your clit. You swiped your tongue along the length of the hilt, the man not positioning it to where you could take it into your mouth. When you tried to move, you found that he was using the Force to keep you in place.

Kylo Ren set one hand on your thigh, squeezing, rubbing, massaging as he moved closer. If only you could have pressed down a fraction of an inch, you could have felt his cock against you. You released a low whine, staring up at him pleadingly when you heard him beginning to pump his cock. You wanted to please him, to touch him. The thought of riding his thick cock, of having it in your mouth, was turning you wild with desire. You did not realize you were begging him aloud with pleas of _please_ over and over until he chuckled at your expense. His thumb drew a circle, his fingers pressing harder and harder into your flesh as he brought himself closer. You would bruise where he was touching you, yet your mind was more focused on the familiar sensation of his cum hitting your pussy. He rode out his orgasm, pumping himself until his cock softened.

He lifted the lightsaber that he had previously placed on the bed beside you. You gulped down both air and saliva when he swiped the metal along your folds, coating the hilt of his weapon with both his cum and your juices. You were a trembling mess as he fed you his seed in this manner, having you lick it off his weapon until every bit that he could get was swallowed. Commander Ren set aside the weapon, his fingers continuing to dig into your thigh as he set his now-free hand directly above your pussy. You closed your eyes at the feel of the leather on your flesh. He lifted his smallest finger and thumb off of you, trailing the remaining three digits down, twisting his wrist and plunging those long fingers inside of you. Your wetness on his gloved hand caused a sort of slippery noise as he pressed in further. The fingers beginning to withdraw, you heard that slick sound increase. You had to once more suck in the drool that had started to dribble down your chin.

He pumped his fingers fast into you, his jerking movements more erratic than any time he had shoved his lightsaber inside of you. You whimpered as both pain and pleasure washed over you. The heel of his hand was pressing on your clit harshly. When he started to withdraw his fingers the next time, he twisted his wrist then drove those digits back inside of you. Your jaw dropped, your legs trembling. The hand left your thigh, his arm slipping under that leg instead, hooking under the knee so that he could hike your leg up higher. The new depth he was able to achieve turned you into an incoherent mess.

When you came, you could feel him cupping his hand so that he was collecting the majority of your juices on his palm, his fingers. He thrust those digits into your mouth, lifting his wrist so that the rest poured from his hand into your orifice. Your throat bobbed as you swallowed repeatedly, obediently licking the rest from off the leather he wore. 

Panic started to seize you when he ripped his hand away from your face in favor of setting the limb between your legs again, his fingers roughly pinching your clitoris. You felt tears spilling down your cheeks as he rubbed the nub, his glove slick from his previous activities and your saliva aiding granting you immediate pleasure. “S-s-sir, ple-please!” you practically screamed. You were not sure if you wanted him to stop or continue. He did not appear to care either way. The Force user allowed some of the pressure on you to let up in unison with issuing the order for you to remove the remainder of your clothing. You did so, resisting the urge to even try to touch him.

Once you were fully naked, he seized your wrists in either of his hands, pinning them on the sides of your head, which was on the pillow. When he removed himself from you, you found yourself kept in place all the same. It felt as though there were hands still gripping you, holding you down there against his mattress. Your legs were spread, bent at the knees, your feet planted firmly on his mattress as he knelt between your legs. Kylo Ren again thrust his fingers up into you, fucking you. You panted heavily, whimpering and sobbing as your second orgasm was quickly building. It washed over you all too soon, and you were nearly crying as your cum was poured down your throat for a second time. You swallowed thickly, begging him to stop when he started to lower his hand towards your cunt.

The reason he paused was not due to your begging. He froze in his actions, his head slowly turning towards the door seconds before there was a knock. You felt your blood run cold, goosebumps on your flesh. Kylo Ren adjusted himself, tucking himself back into his pants and smoothing out his robes. The pressure that had been keeping you pinned disappeared. Your superior flicked his wrist, and your clothes flew to underneath the bed. You looked around frantically for something to cover yourself with before, panicking, you quickly shoved yourself underneath his bedcovers. You pulled the blankets over your head, completely hidden when you heard the door opening.

Your dread multiplied when you heard your father’s voice, Commander (L/n) greeting the Force user. Kylo Ren responded by uttering out the man’s title, passive as though he did not care that he was receiving a guest. “I’ve come to discuss my dau… to discuss Officer (L/n)’s current task of preparing your quarters.”

“Originally she was quite a disappointment,” Kylo Ren said without hesitation. This seemed to catch your father off-guard, judging by the strained sound he made. “Others, meeting such failures, begged for a different position. She adapted. Learned from her mistakes… I wonder if her lack of ambition is temporary…or perhaps you have coddled her too much, and she has come to expect preferential treatment. Ensuring that she is given only the _highest rated_ of tasks.”

Whatever argument your father may have had, Kylo Ren had effectively stripped him of it before a true discussion could begin. Part of you wanted to jump to your father’s defense, yet you knew the Commander could take care of himself. Not to mention you did _not_ want him to learn that you were in Commander Ren’s room at that moment. That you were naked. Anything of the matter at all. Only a few more lines of dialogue, your father admitting surrender without openly saying so then taking his leave.

You heard the door closing, Ren’s boots crossing the room. Lowering the covers from off your head, you paused when you realized that his gaze was on you. You stared at his masked face. “Is that why you’re exaggerating your depression? Dragging on this charade that you’re some broken thing that cannot be handed tasks beyond something as simple as preparing my quarters… This is your out, the way your father is unable to use his position to better _yours_.”

“I am not ashamed of who my father is,” you said tersely, slipping out from under the man’s covers and off his bed. You squatted down long enough to grab your clothes from underneath his bed then started to pull on your panties and bra. Clad only in your underclothes, you grumbled when an invisible force shoved your other clothes out of reach.

“You have not been dismissed.” You grit your teeth at the sound of his voice; no, it wasn’t _quite_ his voice. You had heard him speak without that damn mask on. Ever privy to your thoughts, the man reached up, removing his helmet and staring at you with a cold gaze. “Nor were you given permission to redress.”

“I’m not into _rape_ , sir,” you hissed. He tensed, his lips parting and his eyes suddenly filled with confusion. The man was clearly taken aback, no doubt having never been rejected in such a manner. You crossed your arms over your naked belly. “I… I don’t want to do anything more…right now… Please.”

“The moment I release you, you will undoubtedly attempt to throw yourself down the nearest garbage chute… Or else out an airlock.” You sighed, shrugging because, truthfully, you were not sure _what_ you were going to do when at last he dismissed you. “General Hux and Commander (L/n) would prove to be nuisances should that occur.”

“So you plan to keep me here all night?” you shot, only half caring that you were acting insubordinately.

“You did bring a mat. Under the bed. Extra pillows and blankets.” His lips had curled up in amusement, his eyes darting over to you as he slowly walked along the length of the room. You scowled, dragging out said items and setting up a makeshift bed for yourself. You climbed onto it, laying with your back to him. “The lieutenant… You will not touch him again.” You whipped around to protest, to yell at him, but your voice caught in your throat when you saw Kylo Ren holding his lightsaber. There was something threatening about his stance, his expression. He moved into the bathroom, and you could hear him cleaning the weapon. Huffing, you laid back down and allowed yourself to fall asleep.

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.

You were awoken partway into the night by the sounds of someone tossing and turning on the bed. You sat up, watching the ever-shifting form. He did not cry out or whimper. A minor grunt. He whipped around again, his hand darting to the side. You released a squeak of surprise when the stool went flying across the room and hit into the wall. The thud roused the individual that had unconsciously thrown it by using the Force. You had not been aware that he could do such a thing when asleep. You brought your legs towards your chest while watching him sit up. He breathed heavily, however managed to get himself under control in little time. You felt his gaze travel to you, and you tried to pretend that you had not seen him in the throes of a nightmare.

“Should…should I get you something, sir?” you asked when he did not turn away. Silence. You chanced a glance his way and found that he had laid his head upon his pillow and was watching you from there. Passively staring. “I could…read you a story?”

“Do you believe me to be a child?”

“Well, no, but…” A heavy sigh from you. You had only been trying to help, sheesh. “Goodnight, sir.” He did not stop staring, and nor did he respond. You shifted uncomfortably. “So… Once upon a time, there was a…uh…nerfherder.” You paused, waiting. He was not telling you to be quiet, was not Force-choking you either. You glanced his way. Yup. Still staring. “He had only three nerfs…the rest of his flock had perished due to a plague that had swept through his village. Being the only remaining person alive, he led his nerfs away in hopes of finding a more fertile land where they would not die. On the way he encountered a lonely maiden—“

“A love story?” Condescendingly with a snicker.

“…no. Now: So he encountered a lonely maiden, who offered to feed him and his flock for a price. ‘Pirates took my father’s life, and I have vowed revenge upon them. Help me with my task, and you shall never want for more.’” You paused, looking pointedly at Kylo Ren. “See? It’s _not_ a love story.”

“Simply a tale where an… _innocent_ ”—he scoffed at the word—“nerfherder resists the path to the Dark side.”

“How do you know what he does? You haven’t heard the story. And you know what? You won’t now. Be a grump, Commander. Goodnight.” You once more turned your back to him, huffing and grumbling to yourself. Kylo Ren was too prideful to tell you to finish the story, if he even wanted you to do so. His eyes remained on you; you felt them the entire time it took you to once more lose consciousness.


	9. Taste

Taste

He was like a child, you decided when Kylo Ren was pacing his room early in the morning. The man kept fiddling with things, making noises that would rouse you yet that he could play off as though you being awoken had been _accidental_. Like a child waking its parent. Staring up at the ceiling, you blinked tiredly and wished he would stop. He did not. Commander Ren loudly set his lightsaber upon the bedside table then opened and closed the bathroom door. You heard him running the water, the toilet flushing, and then him returning to the room. The door slammed, though not too harshly as that would make his actions conspicuous.

The Force user stepped over to you, pausing when he was able to stare down into your face. “You’re awake…”

 _I wonder how that happened,_ you thought snappily. Your eyes wandered along his face then to his hands, in which he was holding his helmet. He drummed his fingers on the metallic surface. “Do you need something, Commander Ren?” you asked as sweetly as you could.

“I had a droid bring you fresh clothing.” He gestured towards the bed, on which was your uniform. “Dress then bring food.”

Huffing, you rose and grabbed up your clothes. You shuffled into the bathroom, hesitating before deciding that, yes, you _could_ use his shower seeing as how he had made you stay anyway. You rinsed off your body, snatched up his shampoo, and scrubbed your head. When you exited the shower and dried off, you found that your hair was a little more luscious than usual. You patted at it, looking back at the bottle of shampoo that was in the shower. You wasted little time with this, almost immediately turning back to begin once more to follow his instructions. You dressed, left the bathroom and his quarters, and headed for the kitchen.

If you were a Kylo Ren, you wondered, what food would you want to be brought to you early in the morning? You rummaged through the cupboards, bypassed a few droids that brought up suggestions for a balanced meal, and grabbed out the animal crackers. Because he liked those, right? You placed both the frosted and non-frosted sort into his bowl before setting in some fruit. You then found the dehydrated meat, added pieces of those, and moved lastly to get a beverage. You grabbed both a small bottle of milk and juice, not knowing which he would want. You set all these items on a tray, which you carried back to the man’s quarters.

When you arrived, you found that he had replaced the stool to its proper place in his room. The Force user watched you place the tray on his bedside table. His eyes took in what you had brought him, and when you turned around he looked you directly in the eye. “A child’s meal.”

“It’s well-balanced…and fun. I’d eat it.” You shrugged dismissively. You _would_ eat something like that, because why not? It tasted good, it _was_ well-balanced, and sometimes being an adult was overrated.

Kylo Ren said nothing as he approached the bedside table. He touched a few pieces of the food, his fingers lingering on a nerf-shaped cracker. After that moment of hesitation, he shifted the digit to a different cracker, pinching and lifting it to his mouth. He bit down and chewed slowly. You remained where you were, watching him. Commander Ren lifted the milk bottle, opening it and taking a drink. Though he had greeted the meal you brought him with negativity, he seemed to enjoy it all the same. He picked up a piece of the jerky and ate it while lifting up a blank data chip you had previously failed to notice was in the room. He set this in your hand, much to your dismay.

“I will be boarding the Command Shuttle in less than two hours. You may use this room to record… Commander (L/n) may catch you otherwise.”

“What…what are you wanting?” Apparently you were his personal porn star, you thought bitterly. Yet at the same time it gave you a certain thrill.

“I thought you were an artist, Cindy Liu.” You frowned at his back, which was facing you as the man grabbed up his helmet. He ate a few bites more of the meal you had brought for him then placed on the helmet and strode out of the room.

Gathering what you would need to record the video he desired, you decided that you would start off with a nice strip tease. The end of the video, after you had stripped, masturbated, and licked your fingers clean for him, consisted of the story you had started to tell him the previous night. A weird way to end a porno, you figured, but considering he had obviously been interested what with him messing around with the nerf-shaped cracker, you _knew_ he would enjoy it in some way.

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Four Kylo Ren-free days. Your father, once the Force user was absent, insisted on remaining for an extra day to see to it that you performed a few of your old tasks. Working with the system was like riding a bike after taking a long break. It took you a few tries, and Lieutenant Mitaka was cringing a number of times when you would blurt out an incorrect answer. Had any of your answers been correct in those instances, it would have meant that the Star Destroyer was ready to self-destruct. You were grateful that the lieutenant had agreed to be present rather than General Hux. The redhead’s disapproval would have been a bit much, especially considering Commander (L/n) was already frowning deeply.

When you were alone with Dopheld, you were able to relay to him Kylo Ren’s warning against having any sort of sexual contact with anyone without the man’s express permission. When you went on to reveal that the Knight had forbidden you from touching the lieutenant, Mitaka stiffened. He appeared fearful that he would be punished for even speaking to you. You shook your head, encouraging him to not break off all contact. Still, the both of you were disappointed that you could not continue to explore one another’s body.

Your father’s departure occurred the day before Commander Ren returned to the _Finalizer_. You knew only of his arrival when one of the other officers came and gave you your orders, which were to once more prepare the man’s quarters. Having been working here and there on tasks you had been trained to do, you found that you were a bit dismayed over returning to such a job. Still, you knew it was best to _not_ argue or protest in any manner. You rose from the console you were seated at then headed for the Force user’s quarters; on the way, you grabbed fresh sheets and a bottle of wine.

After completing your task of preparing the man’s quarters, you headed back to your own quarters to relax for a few minutes before dinner. When the door opened, you released a yelp of surprise that caused the individual sitting on the edge of your bed to sigh, his shoulders slumping. You apologized to Commander Ren, who said nothing in return until after you had closed the door.

“The nerf-herder and the maiden wandered for months, and he ensured that she had to complete almost impossible tasks along the way… All so that she would break down, sobbing… It’s amusing that this nerf-herder was one of the pirates that had killed her father…not to mention _he_ was the one to ensure that the plague swept through his village. All to keep the treasures his family had obtained to himself.”

“See? It wasn’t a love story,” you said, unable to keep the wide, smug grin from your face.

“Nor a tale of some innocent nerf-herder shying away from the temptations of the Dark side.”

“First impressions, man. You can’t trust them.”

“Yes… Such as the fact that you are not exaggerating your depression to avoid preferential treatment from your father. You’re going through another crisis. You nearly died over such a trivial incident. A malfunctioning droid. The battlefield makes more sense to you, and yet this was during training. You’re trying to understand death, your place in life… It’s pointless to waste time doing these things. The droid incident was meaningless. Accidents happen.”

“So you say,” you cut in, goosebumps on your flesh from him doing a decent job of psychoanalyzing you. “But…” You sighed, looking up towards the ceiling. “Here we are in space. Surrounded by so much, and we’re so small. Yet the smallest thing can make a huge difference. The droid…such a _small_ glitch caused so much damage. It makes me wonder how much of an impact I actually have. Am I one of those pieces that won’t effect anything if I break or am missing? Or am I a piece that, should something happen where I’m not ticking correctly, everything explodes. And, yes, I’m afraid that it’s the first. Yet more afraid that it’s the second. Being garbage would be easier than being…anything else.”

“You’re afraid to take the more difficult route of actually living.”

“Sometimes. I don’t want to make a stupid mistake, I guess.”

“Such as making a chocolate tauntaun on my pillow?” You were, firstly, caught off-guard by his snarkiness. Then you were blushing over the truth in his words, the implication. A simple mistake had helped you to learn. You got past it. That was part of living. Lowering your gaze to the ground, you half-wondered if that was why he had requested that you kept preparing his quarters. Though you shied away from other circumstances wherein you could make stupid mistakes, you never gave up when it came to trying to find what he wanted even when he said everything you brought was garbage. Perhaps it was to ease your mounting embarrassment that he changed the subject. “You will be working three hours each day at the tasks you have been completing during my absence.”

You felt a wave of relief flood through you. You had not realized how afraid you were that you would not be allowed to do any of those things until that moment. You allowed yourself a smile. Kylo Ren rose from your bed, walking out of your quarters. That was when you noticed it. The smile dropped from your face in favor of your mouth opening. You stared in surprise at the tauntaun-shaped formation of chocolates that were on your pillow. It was better than what you had done on his, and you wondered why it was he always had to show you up. Still…you liked chocolate. You moved over to your pillow, reaching for one of the chocolates then pausing. You did not want to ruin the design. But you wanted the chocolate…but you didn’t want to… You wiped at the tears of frustration forming in your eyes.

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You were headed to his quarters of your own accord. He had not called you, which is perhaps why Kylo Ren seemed to be confused when you entered. He had his legs spread a little, his cock in his hand and the video of you stripping playing. You shut the door behind yourself, ignoring the masturbating man in favor of dragging the mat out from underneath the bed. You started to set up your makeshift bed in the corner. The video was paused, the sound cutting off. Commander Ren shifted on the bed though he didn’t rise. You could feel him watching you the entire time. You glanced his way when you were nearly finished with arranging your pillow and blanket.

“I…I need to sleep here tonight.”

“You don’t want to ruin the tauntaun…” You lowered your eyes to the floor, your cheeks hot. The sound from the video resumed. You laid on your side, facing the wall while you listened to him watch the video of you stripping and masturbating. He pleasured himself while doing so, and you started to turn over to watch him. Pressure on your shoulder shoved you back over so that you were facing the wall. You were _really_ getting fed up with his ability to use the Force. You huffed noisily, making sure he could hear you. “Stop pouting.” His voice was breathy as he spoke. You wrinkled your nose, fighting off the urge to whine. “You can always go back to your room.”

“Can’t I just…watch you watch me? It’s…” _Trashy,_ your mind supplied. You frowned then gasped as the pressure left. Quickly, you turned and let your eyes wander about him. Kylo Ren did not so much as glance your way. His eyes were on the video, his hand slowly teasing the length of his cock. His fingertips caressed the underside of his shaft then he again wrapped his fingers around the base, and he jerked himself off faster. The video had transitioned from you stripping to you touching yourself. You stared at his thickness, wishing he would let you touch him. All these encounters, and you had not been allowed to touch him once. Fuck, what you would give to ride him. To have him fuck your mouth.

“You may touch yourself.” And immediately you thrust your hand into the hem of your pants, past your underwear, and you inserted two fingers inside of yourself. You added a third almost immediately, wondering exactly how much more he would be able to stretch you than those digits. You chewed on your bottom lip. You were masturbating to him masturbating to you masturbating. You groaned at the thought, spreading your legs wide. His hand started to work faster, and you became aware that his arousal had only increased when he realize how much him touching himself had affected you. His hand paused mid-stroke. “Come here.”

He did not have to tell you twice. You eagerly climbed onto his bed, sitting with your back to his chest when he told you to. You started to reach back for his cock, however a harsh _No_ had you stopping as you whimpered. With the hand that was not wrapped around his erection, Kylo Ren reached into your underwear and started to tease your clit. He trailed his fingers further, ghosting over your entrance. You squirmed, feeling your nipples hardening in anticipation. You began to knead your breasts, and he shoved two of those deliciously long fingers up into you. You gasped, hearing him starting to pump himself in time with the pace he set of thrusting his fingers in and out of you. You rolled your hips, riding those digits as you began groping more earnestly at your breasts. You reached up under your shirt and past your bra, rolling your nipples under the pads of your fingers.

Kylo Ren began scissoring you, and you released a whimper, grinding down harder against him. You moaned, and his other hand left his cock in favor of seizing your hips. He tugged you closer to himself, trailing his hand up the length of your body until he could entangle his fingers in your hair and yank your head back. Resting your head against his shoulder, you panted and stared at his face. His thumb found your clit simultaneous to when he shoved three fingers into your mouth. You started to instantly suck on the leather, your tongue desperately working along the crevices of the seams. He tugged his hand out of your mouth, seizing hold of your jaw and pinching at your cheeks so that your mouth was forced to remain open.

He started to work his fingers faster and harder inside of you, curling and uncurling them, rotating his thumb in circles against your clit. He occasionally withdrew his fingers long enough to coat your clitoris with your own juices then plunged those digits right back into you. Your tongue lolled in your mouth, your saliva soon running past your lips and dripping down. Your cheeks were beginning to hurt, however you remained mostly oblivious to this due to the fact that you felt your orgasm building. His breath hit on the line of drool, his mouth hovering close to yours. You quivered at the feeling it brought, at the increase in your arousal. Tears gathered in the corners of your eyes, your orgasm powerful as it crashed over you.

Kylo Ren pushed you onto your back, hooking your legs over his shoulders after he tore off your bottoms and burying his face in your cunt. You felt his tongue flatten against your entire pussy then swipe upwards, the tip of it flicking your clit. You gasped, panting and moaning. He had one hand rubbing your lower belly, the other on his cock as he started to jerk himself off while hungrily lapping at your wetness. Your ass did not touch the bed as you rocked against him, grinding into his face. His lips sealed over your clit and he sucked. Then he again opened his mouth, his tongue flicking out and sliding along your folds. He swirled the organ along you, drawing curly-cues the entire way. He groaned against you as he came, and you could feel the light vibrations of the noise throughout your entire lower anatomy. Your already-sensitive nerves shuddered, and you felt yourself cumming as well. He swiped his tongue along you twice more, flattening the organ against you for a moment before withdrawing it into his mouth.

After he pulled away from you, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. You stared up at him, your chest heaving as you fought to regain your breath. Your voice played in your head, the video at the portion of the bedtime story. Both you and Kylo Ren looked at the hologram. “Get dressed.” You winced at the command, yet complied. The Knight adjusted himself as well, shutting off the video. He put on his helmet and rose from the bed, and you soon followed him. You blinked when you realized that he was heading for your quarters. He punched in your code then entered. You watched him head directly for the tauntaun, and you winced when he spread out the chocolates with a swipe of his hand, the creature disappearing in favor of messiness. Kylo lifted one of the chocolates, pulling at the two sides of the wrapper and removing the foil from the candy. The man removed his helmet when you closed the door behind yourself, and he popped the candy into his mouth. Your eyes widened. He looked at you, furrowing his brow. “I did not say that I dislike chocolate.”

You pointed a finger at him accusingly. “You called it garbage!” He grabbed up another of the chocolates, unwrapping it and taking another bite. You rushed over, seizing one for yourself and quickly eating it. You glowered at him, unable to help but feel miserable all over in regards to the fact that you had thrown away so much candy—especially since he apparently _did_ like them. “Vanilla? Swirl?”

“They’re fine.”

“Strawberry-flavored?”

“Sometimes.” He was eyeing you as though you were crazy or obsessed. And perhaps you were obsessed. You sat down on the bed with your hands crossed over your chest, pouting like a child. “Not wanting something at a set point in time does not mean you do not like it.”

Well, who the _fuck_ **liked** chocolates, vanillas and swirls and had them _thrown away_!?

“I threw you away once.” You opened your mouth to retort then paused. Was he saying he liked you, or was he just being a smart ass? You narrowed your eyes, staring at his face, which held a neutral expression, as he opened another chocolate. His tongue met the chocolate halfway, and he pulled both that pink organ and the sweet into his mouth. Well, your mind supplied as you thought back to a few minutes ago, he did like to _eat_ you.


	10. Year

Year

Two days later, you wondered if Kylo Ren had forgotten that you were a female, forgotten what that entailed. He marched into your quarters, his hands in fists and anger radiating from him. And then he paused, tensing suddenly and staring at you. You popped a handful of popcorn into your mouth, took a swig of soda, and looked up from your trashy reality drama to consider your superior. You had requested the day off. Day two of your menstrual cycle was _always_ the worst. And, heck, you deserved _one_ day off from preparing the man’s quarters. How badly had your replacement failed, you wondered. Or had the officer taking over your task simply been present when the Knight entered his quarters? Said individual continued to hesitate in your doorway. You motioned for him to enter fully, and he complied by taking two more steps so that the doors closed behind him.

“Want some?” you asked, holding out the bowl of popcorn towards him. Kylo Ren took off his helmet after a few more seconds of saying and doing nothing. He set it on the edge of your bed then, standing at your side, he reached a hand into the bowl. You waited until he removed his hand, filled with some of the snack, and grabbed out more for yourself. You set a few of the kernels inside your mouth, chewing and resuming watching the show. The only reason you had gotten into it was because you had gotten sick one day and nothing else was on. Now you stuck around for a certain few individuals who held your interest.

The Force user went to grab more of the food after you had placed the bowl directly in front of you. He paused, however, no doubt feeling the heat radiating from the heating pad that as on your belly underneath the blanket you were wrapped up in. You observed him in your peripheral as you watched your show. Aware that he spent the majority of his time either completing missions for Supreme Leader or else training, you knew that he did not have much experience socializing with a menstruating female. He was being very cautious, as though you were some bomb waiting to explode.

“Did they use a droid to prepare your quarters?” He scooped up the popcorn, not answering you. Your eyes drifted away from the program long enough to take in the sight of him eating the snack piece by piece. “Something must have happened for you to have been pissed off.”

“Inadequate.” You pressed your lips tightly together, moving your mouth from side to side before asking if the person had forgotten to change his sheets. “Among other mistakes.”

“I’m sorry. I’ll be back to working tomorrow. Just dealing with…female stuff.” He started to shift away, and you piped up with: “Don’t leave… It’s not like I’m asking to braid your hair or have you be girly with me. Can you stay a few more minutes?”

“So that you can have an introspective conversation?” You shot him a quick smile then pressed the power button on your holopad. The program had ended already, and though you sometimes watched the next one, there was no need to have it on. “Take off your shirt.”

You rolled your eyes, however crossed your arms over your front, grabbed up the hem of your shirt, and pulled. You tossed the material over the side of the bed. You were not wearing a bra, and so immediately did you feel his eyes roaming your breasts. The mattress dipped under his weight as Kylo Ren shifted onto the bed beside you. He reached around you with his right hand, groping your right breast with the limb as he seized its twin with his other hand. His thumbs caressed, moving up and down. The Force user was not too harsh with you, for which you were thankful. Your entire body felt sore in ways due to your current state.

He fondled your breasts for a few seconds longer then drew back from you, standing and replacing his helmet on his head. You lifted your blanket over your chest so that when he left no one passing by would see your half-naked body. When he was gone, you allowed yourself to fall backwards so that your head hit the pillow. You noisily blew air through your lips, making small noises. He was the most confusing person you knew.

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You were standing by the trash chute when Officer Keln approached you. You glanced at the closed door that led to what could be viewed as an escape route. Since you had begun to have interactions here and there with Commander Ren, you had not found it necessary to continue your abusive relationship with the man you had viewed as your occasional-but-not-really friend. He set his elbow on the wall, leaning as he stared down your body. You flinched, ever aware that he wished you had died instead of his brother. Not that you could completely fault him for this; you likely would have had similar sentiments had it been your family member that had died. On the other hand, you would not be treating the person who survived like shit.

“I like it that you know your place.” He nodded his head in the direction of the chute. You frowned, wishing that Lieutenant Mitaka was present. Officer Keln never spoke to you this way in your superior’s presence, mostly due to the fact that Mitaka never stood for it. Keln reached forward, touching your hip with his hand. You shifted out of his grasp, which only made him chuckle. “You’re such a piece of shit.” He said it without any visible or audible anger that you felt your stomach flip.

Keln smirked, pushing off the wall and walking past you. You listened to his footsteps fading and then glanced at the trash chute. If you threw yourself away, you would no longer be allowed to complete the tasks you had at last been given.

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Dopheld Mitaka was very appreciative of the fact that you had seen fit to make him lunch despite the knowledge that if either of you pursued a physical relationship with the other, Kylo Ren would do…something. It would be terrible, and that was all either of you knew. A dark part of you wished Officer Keln had been more forward with his advances. He wanted to have hate sex with you, you knew. And if he had done anything overtly sexual—what would Kylo Ren have done, you could not help but wonder. You dismissed these thoughts with a shake of your head and turned back to watching the lieutenant. He ate the last few bites of the food you had made for him, again thanking you for having done so.

Allowing yourself a smile, you said, “It’s no problem. I actually like you.”

“Whereas a number of your other superiors, you…?”

“Tolerate them, I guess. I respect General Hux and Commander Ren. Captain Phasma too. It’s just some of the officers that… I don’t know. They seem to shirk off their responsibilities despite the fact that they’re high ranking and should be the ones doing the tasks they have delegated to lower-ranking individuals. Then they take the credit. It’s frustrating to watch. I hadn’t realized how much it occurred until people were ignoring me, walking around me and keeping on talking…”

“Lying in the middle of the floor apparently has several advantages,” he said with a sly smile that had you grinning. He, apparently, was not oblivious to the political aspects you had tried to remain ignorant of. “The individual running the shop…he asked about you.” You wrinkled your nose at the news that the porn-shop guy was still interested in you. Then furrowed your brow before blushing. “I…wasn’t in the shop, (L/n). He passed me by when I was on my way to the bridge the other day.”

“Oh… I mean, it’s fine if you do watch porn though.” The two of you shifted awkwardly from one leg to the next. You wanted so badly to touch him, and yet Commander Ren had forbade you from doing so. Even though Kylo never allowed you to touch him either. He did whatever he wanted to with your body, but you could not touch him. “Uhm… I have to figure out what to bring to Commander Ren’s quarters tonight.” Lieutenant Mitaka nodded, bidding you a goodbye as you turned and left.

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You were sitting cross-legged on the bed across from the Knight, who was staring contemplatively at the holochess board. You knew that you were not much of an opponent, yet that had not deterred him from instructing you to sit down for a match. When he made his next move, you found your eyes wandering along the board as you tried to decide how best to counter him. You did the best you could, however in a handful more turns, the man had beaten you. He set aside the board, and you ran a hand through your hair. A gloved hand seized you, and you tensed as you were dragged onto the floor.

Staring up at him in confusion, your heart practically skipped a beat as he used the Force to keep you on your knees, your hands behind your back. It was a position nearly identical to the one he had forced you into when Mitaka had been present in the room. Kylo Ren ran a hand on his pants, over the forming bulge. His eyes were on your face the entire time, his expression a mixture of thought and curiosity. You licked your lips, dividing your attention between his face and his forming erection.

“What do you want?” He tilted his head to the side as he spoke, his eyes wandering from your gaze to your mouth.

“I…want to…suck your cock.” You swallowed thickly, blushing over having admitted aloud your desires. The hand that he had been using to stroke himself stilled. Your chest heaved as he instead moved aside the barrier between his erection and your view. You stared at his engorged cock, once more marveling over its thickness and how much it made you want him to fuck you. You wished you were not menstruating, although even if you had been done with your period, you were not entirely certain he would let you ride him.

Kept in place by the Force, you whimpered when he seized hold of his dick and positioned it just out of reach of your lips. You flicked your tongue out, the very tip of your organ able to touch him. Kylo Ren grabbed the back of your head, his fingers entangling in your hair. He tilted your head so that it was at an angle. He ran the entire length of his cock against your lips, and you alternated between pressing light kisses against him and licking him. He rolled his hips, allowing you to repeat these actions twice more before he again yanked on your hair. You opened your mouth, protesting the pain that was radiating near your scalp. He ignored these words, shoving his cock past your lips.

His other hand rested on the side of your head, and he soon moved the fingers out of your hair in favor of holding your head on both sides. He forced you take more of him in. You felt your jaw stretching uncomfortably, yet most of your attention was on the fact that he was at last in your mouth. Partway down your throat; you gagged a bit, trying to grow accustomed to his size. Kylo Ren started to push you away then brought your mouth back onto him, forcing you to bob your head. You swallowed thickly then breathed through your nose to get some air. He did not stop his actions, merely altered them. The man snapped his hips, once more thrusting his cock towards the back of your throat. His shaft pressed against your tongue, and you did what you could to ensure that he did not hit your teeth, tucking your lips around them at the first chance you got.

You lifted your eyes to his face, finding that he had closed his eyes for a moment. When he reopened them, those orbs were of a deeper blackness, his pupils dilated as he stared down at you. He thrust once more into your mouth, and you moaned around him. You wished he would free your hands so that you could touch him. Kylo Ren’s lips spread, his mouth opening a fraction of an inch as he lifted his chin just a bit. He blinked, releasing a ragged breath the next second. He used his hands to bring you closer simultaneous to rolling his hips. This time he thrust in completely, and you gagged around him, your eyes watering. He withdrew, the next time he snapped his hips, he moved more shallowly so as to lessen your discomfort.

Your jaw was locking in place, your mouth feeling stretched, full. Your mouth was making crude, wet sounds around him. His cock was slick with your saliva, the tip dripping precum along your tongue, which you manipulated against him as best you could. Kylo Ren dropped one hand from your face then the other. He reached under your chin with the first he had removed, pinching your cheeks so that your jaw spread even wider. You heard a pop, and you silently hoped he had not dislocated anything. Withdrawing himself from your mouth, he used the other hand to stroke himself. Then, wrapping his fingers around his shaft, he started pumping himself more vigorously.

You slipped your tongue out of your mouth, catching some of the jets of cum as he ejaculated. He jerked himself through his orgasm, his eyelids fluttering as you stared at him. You slid your tongue back into your mouth, swallowing every bit of him. He backed away while he tucked himself back into his pants. Kylo Ren kept his eyes on you, watching as you traced your tongue along your lips, tasting what was left of him there.

“Leave.”

You felt the Force leave you, and for a moment you collapsed, your hands on the floor. When you were able to regain control over your body, you shakily stood and stumbled out of his quarters. There had been something…almost afraid in his tone. As though he were frightened by something within him. You were aware that initially he had been training as a Jedi. For Jedi there was no passion, only serenity. It was one of their five core precepts.

As you traveled down the corridor aboard the _Finalizer_ , the taste of Kylo Ren in your mouth and the sight of him in your mind’s eyes, you tried to remember the others. No emotions, only peace. It described him so well. No ignorance, instead knowledge. You could not remember the other two, and you realized this when you drew up beside the garbage chute. You stared at it, for once not feeling the urge to throw yourself down the shaft. Despite this, your fingers traced the metal cover.

_He isn’t a Jedi… What was he taught once he came under the tutelage of Supreme Leader Snoke?_

Compassion and sentiment were still weaknesses. General Hux had those views, so why would Commander Ren think any differently?

That fear within him, perhaps that he was feeling something for you… Was that why you were never allowed to touch him?

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You sat at the console, staring blankly at the line of information that filtered into view. Kylo Ren had left the _Finalizer_ early that morning, and so there was no need for you to prepare his quarters. Instead you had been given two extra hours of work to complete. Lieutenant Mitaka walked behind you, checking to see how you were doing without uttering a word. He left the area just as quietly. You huffed out a sigh, glancing to your right and considering the other officer who was busily checking to see if things were running smoothly.

You slouched in your seat. It would be so much better if you could lie down in the middle of the floor. If everyone pretended you weren’t there. Even if they stepped on you, you wouldn’t care. This strange numbness that you had been feeling upon learning of the Knight’s departure was driving you crazy. You slid down even further in your seat, your rear hanging halfway off the chair.

You were starting to wonder if General Hux would let you prepare his quarters if you asked. Sighing, you glanced around the room. Everyone was busily working, pretending you weren’t there. Huh. If you left, it would not make much of a difference, you reasoned. You slipped out of your chair the rest of the way and headed for the bridge.

Lieutenant Mitaka did a double-take when you arrived. He heaved his shoulders in a sigh, turned back to his console, and went back to work. He spoke to General Hux, who was standing behind him. The redhead had asked for the ship’s current status. You siddled over to him, the officers nearby looking at you then quickly turning away upon realizing where you were headed. General Hux, without so much as glancing at you, said your surname. You nodded, greeting him according to proper protocol. Then:

“Could I, uhm, prepare your quarters?”

His eyes traveled up and down you a single time before he gazed once more at the lieutenant’s screen. “Everything must be in its proper place.” He reached into his pocket, withdrawing a cylinder that would permit you entrance into his quarters. This he set in your palm.

“Yes, Sir.”

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For as much as he disliked the Knight, he sure had some similar quirks. Such as summoning you back to his quarters in the middle of the night. It was past midnight, and if he was _just_ arriving there, it was obvious that the rumors regarding him not getting sufficient sleep were true. You sighed, entering his quarters while being careful to not free his cat, Millicent. She was curled up on the end of the bed, and after giving you a passing glance, she closed her eyes and settled back to sleep.

“Sir General?” 

General Hux, accustomed to you sometimes referring to him as such, did not bat an eyelash at the term. He gestured to his bed. “I will admit that I am impressed.” You were pleased, though you did what you could to not show it. He touched the bottle of wine and the glass you had left. The single piece of wrapped chocolate, which you had tied around the neck of the bottle tight enough so that his cat could not bat it away or choke on the ribbon you had used. “You scooped the litter.”

“Uhm… Well… I was thinking that was part of preparing your quarters, Sir. Was I wrong?”

“You will continue to prepare my quarters along with your other tasks. You are dismissed.”

That he had seen it fit to personally compliment you and hand you the task meant more than anything. You brimmed with pride as you exited his quarters. It had been a much different experience than the first time you had prepared Commander Ren’s quarters. That thought caused you pause. What was going to happen when he returned? Would he choose to have someone else prepare his quarters?

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A week elapsed and there was no news of the Knight. You continued to prepare the General’s quarters along with working at your workstation during the day. Lieutenant Mitaka admitted that he had been surprised General Hux had even agreed to humor your request in the first place. The man was known for his attention to details and order. You smiled at the man, decided that kissing did not have to necessarily be sexual, and placed your lips against his. He returned the kiss only briefly before pulling away and quickly leaving. You sighed, half-wishing that you had never told him of Kylo Ren’s threat.

You turned, began heading in the opposite direction, and stopped short while whimpering in pain as a hand seized your jaw, squeezing. The grip was one familiar to you, however the person holding you was different than the one who had done so in the past. “Are you done playing at being an officer?”

The man did not release you as he spoke. His eyes were narrowed, and you remembered him looking at you exactly like that when he had realized that you had survived instead of his brother. You wanted to ask him what he was wanting, however could not manage to get the words out with how he was squeezing your jaw. You swatted at his wrist, which only had him tightening his grip. You winced, seizing his arm in both your hands. Keln relinquished his hold on you in favor of backhanding you. You lost your footing, however did not fall so much as stumble.

 _That’s gonna leave a mark,_ you thought, fighting the urge to rub at the soreness.

“A year.” He spat the words at you, and you held your breath at the reminder. Exactly one year to that day. He grabbed the front of your shirt, tugging you closer so that his teeth hit against yours when he pressed your mouths together. You did not respond to the kiss, nor did you push him away. Not when you could feel his tears running down his face, touching your mouth, your chin as well as his. He collapsed against you, his face on your shoulder as his body trembled in rage and agony. The next second, Officer Keln shoved you away, your back hitting the opposite wall as he marched away.

“Men are such children…can’t deal with their damn emotions,” you grumbled to yourself when you were alone.

As though on cue, the man-child you had been dealing with the most stepped into the intersection of the corridor you were in and the one that was present just seven feet away. You stared at him with a frown as he continued to stride forward, not paying you any heed. Then he paused, that dark mask turning so that he was staring at you.

“Prepare my quarters.”

You felt as though you were his mother, picking up his mess and making his bed. Well, General Hux was your favorite child, you thought. At least he had a cat you could play with…and he didn’t leave you all flustered with thoughts of ravaging him.

“Yes, Sir,” you said sulkily, heading off to grab new sheets and other things he may want. You felt a fleeting caress on your ass, which caused you to tense and squeal a little. Turning, you saw him walking in the other direction, his hand falling back to his side. That was not, you decided, an appropriate way to use the Force—even if you did like it.


	11. Fear

Fear

As you put new sheets on Commander Ren’s bed, the man took a shower. You heard the water running. Such a normal thing for someone of his stature. Sometimes you forgot he was human, his actions and aversion to being touched baffled you so. You slid his pillow into the case, set it on his bed, and smoothed out all the blankets. You then turned to the bedside table, straightening the bottle of water and saltine crackers. After he had removed his helmet, his voice had been more nasally than you were accustomed to hearing. The ever-promising student of Supreme Leader Snoke had a cold. It baffled you in some ways that someone so powerful could be ill. His vocoder had hidden his condition, which had you wondering how long he had been sick for.

Kylo Ren had already drunk a little bit of tea, in which you had put some honey to help soothe his sore throat. He came out of the bathroom, his chest trembling under his shirt as he visibly fought off a cough. The man grabbed the edge of his blankets, sliding into bed and lying on his side as he covered himself. You blinked. You had to admit you were a bit surprised with his actions, yet they also coincided with how a sick person would act. Your poor, sick man-child, you thought as motherly instincts you hadn’t realized you had were starting to kick in.

You fussed with his blankets, adjusting the way he was covered. Kylo Ren turned, staring at you in confusion and a tad amount of fear. You huffed out a sigh, leaving for the bathroom long enough to wet a washcloth, which you set on his forehead. “Do not coddle me,” he said warningly. Yet his raspy, hoarse voice and the cough that followed detracted from any fear you may have otherwise felt.

“You sound like shit, Commander Ren,” you said, watching with displeasure as he reached up and removed the washcloth from his head. Kylo Ren set it on the bedside table, turned once more on his side, and coughed into his fist. “Look… Technically I’m obligated to report it to a physician that I have been in contact with an ill person. That way both that person and I can be treated to prevent the spread of infection.”

“Are you attempting to blackmail me?” he asked, turning over and glaring at you. It was a lot less effective than he no doubt intended it to be, what with his eyes being a little red and him having to sniffle to prevent snot from dripping. The Force user grabbed a tissue from the box on the table, dabbing at his nose. “No.” He was objecting to the thermometer you had brought out. Thankfully for you it was one of those that simply needed to be swiped over someone’s forehead. You tried to scan that portion of his anatomy, however he caught your wrist on his second try.

“How many of me are you seeing?” you asked passively. His response, naturally, was to use the Force to send the thermometer flying. You turned to watch it hit the wall. With a heavy sigh, you shook your head and walked over to where it had landed. “Stop acting so juvenile and let me take your temperature.”

“You’re enjoying this,” he said, and when you turned you found those dark orbs glued to you. He looked so…vulnerable like this. Maybe it was wrong that you wanted to take advantage of him in this state, however it was not as though he let you do anything when he was well. Kylo Ren grabbed up another tissue, bunching it against his nose as he sneezed. He then turned so that his back was to you.

You ignored the fact that he was trying to pretend you were not there in an attempt to convince you to leave. Walking towards the end of the bed, you grabbed up the stool and set it closer to his head. You lifted a book you had brought into his room, sat down on the stool, and opened it up to the first page. Clearing your throat, you started to read aloud. For as much as he had been trying to get rid of you before, he remained completely quiet… up until the point his breathing altered and he snored lightly due to his current state. You placed a bookmark in the book then closed it.

Standing, you tiptoed so that you could lean over him and see his face. Other than the telltale signs of his cold, he looked so peaceful. You set the book on his bedside table, once more adjusted his blankets, and then started to walk towards the door. You paused after only a few steps. Rolling your eyes, you took out the mat that you kept under his bed and set up a place for yourself to sleep. Before settling down, however, you entered his bathroom to grab a clean washcloth. This you dampened with ice-cold water and set against your cheek where Keln had struck you. You had iced it for a moment earlier, however it still threatened to swell. It would definitely bruise, though makeup would help to cover that up for the most part.

Exiting the bathroom, you again peeked at your superior. You wanted to touch him, yet you feared that he would awaken and literally throw you out of his room. You settled for being a creeper and watching him sleep after moving the stool onto the other side of the bed so that you could see his face.

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Hitting the floor was an effective way of waking both yourself and your ill man-child up. You groaned, pushing the stool back up and sitting on the floor. Kylo Ren blinked tiredly at you, the man staring much as he had the night he had had a nightmare. You drew your knees to your chest and rested your chin atop them, watching him in return. “Come here.”

“No,” you muttered against your legs. “You’re contagious. Sexual things aren’t appealing with snot-nosed, coughing…blahness” You gestured with your hand, waving it in a circle, your palm facing him.

Kylo Ren raised a hand, waving it in an arc. “Come here.”

“…uhm…no?” He furrowed his brow, sloppily repeating the action and phrase. “Okay… I get it. You’re trying to use the Force. Should I go get someone to deal with you?”

Kylo Ren pushed himself up, twisting as he did so to where he was sitting in the center of the bed. He coughed, the sound deeper than it had been previously. You hit your tongue against your teeth, making a sort of _tsk_ sound. You stood and moved to the bed. Kylo snatched up your wrist and pulled you onto the bed with him. You wrinkled your nose as his breath hit your face. You were going to get sick, you just knew it.

“Get the thermometer.” You shook your wrist when he released you. Boy was his grip strong. You grabbed up the item, running it along his forehead. Staring at the result, you winced. “What does it say?”

“It says you need to get some acetaminophen in you.” The man snatched the thermometer, staring at the results as though his eyes could not focus. Which made sense given that he had a hundred and one point nine degree temperature. You left the room long enough to snatch some of the aforementioned medicine. When you returned you opened the bottle of water and handed both it and the acetaminophen to the Force user. He took the pills, his body trembling a little. “So… You need to take off your clothes.”

When he did so, they landed on the ground with a wet-ish sound. You chewed worriedly on your bottom lip, knowing they were covered in sweat. Kylo Ren slipped off his pants as well. You gestured to his undergarment, stating it would be better if he put on a fresh pair after he got out of a cool shower. Watching him stand, seeing him holding the wall as a sort of guide as he made his way to the shower, you realized that it was more than a simple cold he was battling.

The water was once more running as you stripped his bed of the sheets, which were damp with sweat. You did not want to leave him alone in this state where he might collapse in the shower, and so you waited until he exited the bathroom and took a seat on the makeshift bed you had previously made for yourself before heading out. You walked fast in the hallway, grabbed a new bundle of linens after disposing of the sullied ones, and quickly returned. You set to making his bed, your eyes darting towards the invalid every few seconds. He had already lain down on the mat, and it appeared that he was fast losing consciousness. Dressed as he was—only in loose fitting boxer shorts—and having taken that shower as well as the medication, you hoped his fever died down, or at the very least had lessened.

You grabbed up the thermometer before walking to his side, swiping it along his flesh. One hundred and one point one. It was on its way down, you thought with minor relief. You nudged your superior, telling him that he should get off the floor and into bed instead. He tiredly complied, slipping under the covers and setting his head upon the pillow. When he drifted off into sleep, you left his quarters once more in order to grab more acetaminophen as well as ibuprofen, deciding it would be best to alternate between them until his fever fully left him.

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“You have bags under your eyes,” Dopheld Mitaka said, staring at you curiously. His gaze then drifted to your cheek. “Did Kylo Ren hit you?”

“Nope,” you replied, touching your cheek and remembering that you had planned on applying makeup. You had also planned on changing into fresh clothes, however that had yet to happen either. You were suddenly busy with work, the bustling about of the _Finalizer_ not allowing you to do something so simple as tend to hygiene. “Don’t worry about it.”

“It was Officer Keln then.” You could hear the disapproval in his voice. Those within the First Order wanted obedience, conformity. You had been taught similar values throughout your entire life and then had been introduced to an event that had rocked your world. Kylo Ren had warned you against thinking too much on it, and you were beginning to understand why that was. It went against certain principles that were held by the First Order. Free thinking, free speech. Lieutenant Mitaka continued to display his disapproval, his mouth set in a deep frown. “Why did he strike you?”

“It doesn’t—“

“I asked you a question, (L/n).” He spoke so harshly; and you were more taken aback due to the fact that he had never pulled rank on you as he was doing. “And your lip—it’s busted.” From when he had forcibly kissed you, you figured as you ran your tongue over the injury. “Why did he strike you?”

You sighed, yet fell back into the stance of being an obedient underling. “It was the one-year anniversary of the incident, sir.” You tried to remain dispassionate, nonchalant about the ordeal. Though you loathed the way Keln treated you, there was something pitiable about him that kept you from wanting to report the incident. Even if a part of you wanted to see him punished.

“Did he strike you twice?”

He was fishing because he doubtlessly suspected the truth. You dropped your gaze to the floor. “He grabbed my jaw, kissed me a bit hard…our teeth hit, so it must have happened then. Then he backhanded me. Don’t… Can we just let it go this time, please?”

“He’s growing increasingly violent towards you… It needs to be reported.”

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You prepared the General’s quarters and played with his cat, Millicent, for several minutes before heading back to Commander Ren’s room. You found him still in bed, lying with his back to the door and sleeping. Tiptoeing over to him, you used the thermometer and found that his fever was at ninety-nine point nine. You adjusted his blankets, tucking them around him and making sure he was not too sweaty before leaving long enough to grab a drink containing the electrolytes his body would need. When you returned, he had awoken and turned, his eyes wandering along you as you walked into his quarters.

Twisting open the lid, you offered him the drink, which he accepted and took a small sip of. Ren then set the bottle on the bedside table. “Come here.” His voice was just as hoarse as it had been the previous night. Wrinkling your nose with the knowledge that he would not take no for an answer, you walked back over to the edge of the bed. So much for avoiding too much close proximity. Although, you reasoned, you had already been exposed to whatever it was that ailed him, be it bacterial or viral. The only thing you were waiting on was to see what the incubation period was, to see if it ravaged your body as it was doing to his. When you were at the edge of his bed, he lifted the sheet and waited. You stared in mild surprised then, recovering, kicked off your boots and climbed onto the bed with him. You turned so that your back was to him; his breath was not the most pleasant thing in the world what with him being ill, and so you possessed no desire to have it hitting your face.

“Last time I slept during the day, it was in an elevator and you stepped on my ankle,” you mumbled, feeling his arm on your side as he dangled the limb lamely across you. You could feel his eyes on the back of your head. Kylo Ren offered no response. “I should probably quarantine myself so I don’t infect anyone… Although I already spoke with Mitaka, so… Well, the whole ship might be screwed now.”

“I had been taking antibiotics for two days before returning…it’s not contagious.” You wished he would have told you this earlier. Huffing out a sigh, you turned over so that you were facing him. The man drew back, turning so that his back was to you. “I told you that you would not touch the lieutenant again.” You scowled at this, glaring at him though he could not see it. You doubted he was oblivious to your stare. “Perhaps I should have clarified for you that this includes kissing in any form.”

“I like Mitaka,” you said simply, wondering how he would respond.

“That is irrelevant to the fact that you have been given an order.” You started to push away from him, drawing back so that you could get off the bed and leave. “You will stay.” You froze in place, the next moment wondering why you were not leav—oh. He was using the Force to keep you there. Frustrated, you clenched your teeth to bite back all the insults that were forming on the tip of your tongue.

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Yours was a fitful sleep, and you woke yourself with light moans that had nothing to do with pleasure. You opened your eyes to find that they were moist while your hands were bunched into fists, which you were pressing against Kylo Ren’s chest as he watched you. You removed your hands from him, brushing your fingertips under your eyes to get rid of the moisture. “Did I wake you?” you asked. Kylo Ren flipped over onto his other side, and your eyes widened as you caught sight of the nail marks streaked along his back. Apparently your bad dream had affected him just as much as it had you. “Sorry.”

“Go shower. A droid will bring you a clean uniform. You may leave then.”

He had been in your head while you were dreaming. You refused to argue with him, to feel badly that you had dreamed that he was keeping you from seeing anyone you loved, that you were grabbing for them. The latter was most likely the reason he had claw marks on his back from your nails. You went into the bathroom, climbing into the shower and standing under the spray. You knew your bad dream stemmed from his stance on your contact with Lieutenant Mitaka.

The heat of the spray irritated your injured cheek, and you flinched but refused to move out from underneath the water. You took your time cleaning yourself, waiting until you could hear the droid delivering your clothes to shut off the water and begin drying.

.

.

.

There was something to be said for sitting in an elevator’s corner and remaining there the rest of the day while everyone else bustles about. It was so relaxing. Up until the point where on one level Lieutenant Mitaka got on. Two levels later Officer Keln boarded the elevator, and then, without either of those two leaving, a masked Kylo Ren walked on. Mitaka and Keln stood a little straighter, whereas you glared at the back of the taller man’s head. If fate wanted to give you the middle finger, you were going to show fate that _you_ were the bigger bitch.

As though reading your thoughts—in fact, you had a good idea that that was _exactly_ what was going on—the helmet-wearing man tilted his head whilst shifting back a leg so that he could stare at your reflection in the elevator doors. You had planned on yelling at the three of them, telling them to get off _your_ elevator. But, given that he had been in your head, Kylo Ren doubtlessly had a less-than-friendly retort at his disposal. Well, fuck him, you thought.

His middle and ring finger twitched, and you sat up a little straighter at the sensation of a ghost hand sliding along your inner thigh. You turned your face away, no longer able to even look at him.

The elevator stopped, and both the lieutenant and officer exited. This allowed you to know that Dopheld had reported Keln’s actions to General Hux. It was likely that your peer was about to be lectured and given a warning for striking you as he had. You hit the back of your head against the elevator wall four times before just sitting there. After the elevator rose two floors, accepted two passengers, and delivered the stormtroopers to where they had needed to be, you looked back at Kylo Ren’s reflection. He seemed to be watching you as well.

“I don’t know how I feel about your current fixation with me,” you grumbled.

“You don’t want to be near me.” He said it so simply, and yet there was an undertone of…something. As though he was no stranger to people feeling that way. You wondered how deep-rooted that was, his acceptance of someone holding such a view of him. That he should be avoided, sent away… How many people had treated him like this in his life? “Stop thinking…” A warning, as though he were afraid that you were getting ready to touch upon something. That fear people had of him—it had been something he had had to face since before Supreme Leader Snoke had— “Stop!” Your hand flew to your throat at the sudden pressure on it. The invisible hand that was crushing your windpipe faded immediately. When next the elevator door opened, you pushed off the floor hard with your shoes and darted out, anything to escape him.

.

.

.

“You believe it unwise for you to be the one preparing Ren’s quarters?” General Hux said, his expression one of only mild shock. You nodded, swallowing thickly and opening your mouth to elaborate only to close it again. When you did not speak, the redhead touched an icon on his datapad. His eyes roamed a line of information as he talked with you. “I will have to call him in for this to be discussed.”

“N…” You cut yourself off, which caused General Hux to sigh and inform you that you could speak freely. “I don’t want to be near him. I…don’t feel safe.”

“I can offer you a trainee to be your shadow.”

You relaxed, albeit only a little. “That would be… I could do that for now, Sir.”

.

.

.

You winced the following day when Kylo Ren entered his quarters as you and your shadow, an officer trainee by the name of Illon, were changing his sheets and straightening things in his room. The masked man paused, his hands clenching into fists at his sides. Illon’s bottom lip quivered, and you could tell that she was trying to not cry in fear. Word of Commander Ren’s aggressiveness traveled fast. When you had first boarded the _Finalizer_ , back before you had met the man, you had known of it already. Taking pity on the girl, you asked her to run to the kitchen for the wine that would be left for the Knight. She immediately darted out, carefully skirting around the man.

“You’re terrified of me.” You briefly wondered how hoarse his voice would be should he remove the mask. He seemed to be feeling better, and so you figured the raspyness was fading. Kylo Ren took a step closer to you. You listened to the heavy thud of his boots on the ground. “You needn’t be.” You touched your fingers to your throat, remembering what it felt like when he had used the Force to choke you. Kylo Ren stepped closer to you, drawing up so that his body was parallel to yours while he faced the wall opposite of what you were staring at. “The same cannot be said for the trainee… Perhaps she should be reassigned.”

At first you did not say anything. Then, in your peripheral, you saw him turn his head so that he was looking at you. He began to twist his torso then his entire body, staring down at you. “I… I’ll speak with the general.”

“See to it that you do—finish preparing my quarters first. You may return here tonight…with a spare uniform for tomorrow.” Though the final portion had been phrased as an invitation, you knew it to be an order. You responded with a clipped _Yes, sir_ then lifted your eyes to Illon, who had returned with the wine.


	12. Nerf-Herder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter does contain dub-con elements. There are a few iffy lines that leave RC unsure in terms of how she feels directly before and after interactions. It is implied in a few lines that she DOES want the actions to take place (consent for the acts though not the things Ren says).
> 
> This is one of those chapters that will make MORE sense in later chapters and also in the companion fic in terms of why Ren acts the way he does.

Nerf-Herder

When you returned to his room, you found that Kylo Ren was still fully dressed, including his helmet. He stared at you, instructing you to strip as soon as the door had closed. You set the bag that contained your change of clothes off to the side then proceeded to do as he had instructed. You walked over to his bed and climbed atop it when that modulated voice told you to do so. As you started to lie down, his voice barked out a sharp _No_ , and so you sat back up. You drew your legs towards the rest of your body, bending your knees while keeping your eyes glued on the Knight.

Kylo Ren lifted a book from his bedside table, and you soon recognized that it was the one you had started to read to him a few days ago. He held the novel out to you, and you took it, soon opening it to where you had left off. You began to read it, quiet at first though your voice grew in volume as you went on. Kylo Ren moved about the room as you read. He eventually lifted the stool and brought it towards the bed so that he was able to take a seat in front of you. You felt his eyes on you as you read.

“Why are you afraid of me?” You paused mid-sentence, your eyes darting to him. “You were not afraid before, and now… You requested that someone else prepare my quarters then had a shadow with you when your previous request would mean my presence.” You slipped the bookmark into the book then placed the novel on the table. Perhaps it was because you were not answering him that he changed course. “Why are you attracted to the lieutenant?”

“Can you just… Just pretend I’m Cindy Liu. Do whatever you want. I don’t care.” Your stomach was burning as you spoke. His hands clenched into fists then he relaxed them. Kylo Ren stood and began pacing the room. You sighed, rested your forehead against your knees, and kept your eyes closed. “Why do you care if I kiss him at all?” You heard his footsteps stop. “You’re the one who… You wanted me to film myself getting a… Film myself having a guy cum on my face. And now suddenly you’re… What the hell do you want?”

“Your job is to follow orders.” You snapped your head up and stared at him. Kylo Ren came closer, drawing up to the side of the bed so that his form was looming over you. You tried to shrink from his gaze. “Questioning your superior…you should be sent to reconditioning.”

“You wonder why I’m terrified of you,” you shot back in a whisper. His response was to chuckle, to move his hand between your knees and chest, and to press down so that he was able to flatten his hand against you as he forced you to lie down.

Kylo Ren moved that hand down the length of your body, cupping your pussy and hooking his fingers against you, thrusting up two of them into your entrance. Your hips jerked of their own accord, and your breathing quickened. “And yet you want me to touch you…to _fuck_ you.” His head tilted a fraction of an inch to the left, and you had the impression he was watching your face. “Do you think you deserve that?—are you _worthy_ of it?”

How was it, you wondered, that he was able to make you feel so small? Officer Keln, for all his insults your way, for the way he had struck you—those were things that you only momentarily dwelt on, but were able to dismiss. With this man, you could not help but obsess over every cruel thing he said, over every little thing he made you do.

Kylo Ren removed his fingers from you and stood there, as though dumbstruck. Perhaps this was due to the fact that you were crying. More likely it had to do with what you had started to say:

“I get it, okay! I’m nothing! I’m one of those small pieces where it doesn’t matter if I’m there or gone, broken or not—life goes on without anything blowing up! Just send me to reconditioning! The only reason I haven’t been sent yet is because of who my father is; I get that! Send me to reconditioning!”

“You’re so angry.” He sounded calm, which only fueled your ire. You started to stand, however he raised a single hand and you found yourself sprawled on the bed, your hands above your head and all your limbs frozen in place. Kylo Ren reached up and removed his helmet, setting it off to the side. His voice was normal, not hoarse or raspy in the least when he again spoke. “You don’t need to be sent to reconditioning to learn your place.” In a single, fluid stride, he was standing between your legs, which he forced open in unison with kneeling. He puckered his lips and blew against your clit. Your jaw dropped at the feeling, your chest rising and falling more heavily. “What do you want?”

You squeezed your eyes closed, finding that your face was the only part of your body you could control. “…you.”

He leaned forward, and you felt his tongue swipe along your folds a single time. “Do you believe you’re deserving of this?” You sobbed out your response; no. Kylo Ren flicked his tongue out a second time, swirling it against and nudging your clit. His breath was hot against you. “You aren’t.” His gloved hands were set on either of your knees as he hoisted himself up. You lowered your eyes from his face in shame. He reached down, parting his robes and withdrawing his hardening cock from his pants. You gasped when he rubbed the head of his erection along you, getting it slick with your juices and thrusting against your clitoris twice. “You’re not worthy of this, are you?”

“N-n-no.”

“No,” he repeated, his pupils dilated so large as he stared down at you. You felt the Force leave you, his hand seizing your upper arm and jerking you up onto your knees upon the bed. Then invisible hands were holding you in place as he climbed onto the bed behind you. Kylo Ren placed his mouth by your ear, his eyes on your face as he looked at you from over your shoulder. “You are not deserving of any of this. The only reason you are here is because _I_ will it.” His hands seized your hips and he ground against your ass. You whimpered, feeling yourself growing aroused at his words. “You are not worthy enough to touch me. And if I tell you not to touch anyone, not to kiss them, you _obey_ **me**.”

His grip was bruising, his mouth finding the flesh on your shoulder. You felt his teeth digging into you, though not enough to draw blood. His tongue swiped along your flesh. Kylo Ren reached up, pinching both your nipples and tugging harshly. You grit your teeth to keep from crying at the mixture of pain and pleasure that coursed through you at his actions. He nipped his way from your shoulder up your neck. His teeth soon found your ear, and you felt yourself dripping onto his bedding. He set his forearm against your collarbone, pressing you down firmly against the bed. Your hands, once more free of the Force, flew to grab his limb, however he seized up both your wrists in his other hand and pinned them above your head once more.

“I want you to cum for me…over…and over…” His lips spread into a smirk as he spoke, and you shuddered at his expression, at the lust that was shining through his eyes. Before you could respond, his hand trailed down your right arm, your wrists being held by an invisible force as the man lifted all but a single finger to ghost over your arm, neck, down the entire length of your body until he was able to seal his mouth around your pussy. Your mouth formed a big _o_ that soon became smaller as you closed your eyes and gave into the sensation of his tongue running along you. He trailed the organ against you, flattened it along you, and swiped upwards ever so slowly that you could feel each centimeter of your cunt being lapped at. He started at your perineum next, making his tongue form a sort of arch then flicking it upwards so that the tip flicked your inner folds noisily.

Kylo Ren’s leather clad hands found your inner thighs, his thumbs drawing lazy circles closer and closer to your groin as he sealed his mouth around your clit. He then opened his mouth once more, drawing the underside of his tongue along you downwards. You were swearing and moaning, feeling your juices being lapped up, hearing them being slurped into his mouth as that devilish tongue worked you. He thrust it into your folds, inside of you. You could feel it waggling about in you before he withdrew it and again flattened it against you. Another flick of it upwards, his lips caressing your clit then a string of air as he blew against you.

“Oh, fuck,” you moaned, your legs shaking as your orgasm built within you. You did not have to see his face to know his smirk had returned. Kylo Ren began to tongue-fuck you, that organ thrusting in and out of you faster than you had believed could ever be possible. He would occasionally swirl it around your entire entrance or else swipe all the way to your clitoris, trace the underside back down against you and plunge his tongue back into you. His hands left you for but a moment as he hooked his arms around your thighs, tugging your cunt closer to his face as his actions quickened, pulling your orgasm from you. A wave of dizziness overwhelmed you, and you were forced to close your eyes as your vaginal walls pulsed around his tongue then nothing as he began to instead simply slurp up your cum.

Kylo Ren climbed up the length of your body, pressing his cock against you then moving so that he was kneeling. His shaft was flush with your pussy, part of it caressing your sensitive nub. He rolled his hips, rocking against you. You opened your eyes, swallowing hard repeatedly and trying to breathe through your nose. “Why are you afraid of me?” Given his recent activities, you were astounded that he could sound so…in control of himself.

“I…” You swallowed once more, feeling overwhelmed as his cock brushed against you yet again. “You’re so…powerful and…” Panting, trying to regain your breath. “…and I… You’re puzzling. It…it…ter…terri…fies…me. Oh, fuck, Kylo, please.”

“Not yet,” he said, though he did not stop the movements of his hips. He reached down for the lightsaber on his belt, and your eyes widened further. Shifting to allow enough room, he shoved the metal inside of your wet, pliant opening. You mewled at the sensation of being stretched, of being filled. He had given you back control of your legs, yet you could not move them. Your toes were gripping at the blankets, wrinkling them as the man began to once more fuck you with his weapon.

You could not explain why this man terrified you more than sending yourself down the garbage chute, more than the idea of being crushed by the trash compactor. Perhaps it was that he was much an enigma to you, you thought as he made a sort of scooping motion with the lightsaber, prodding something within you that again had your toes curling. You gasped, your breath hitching. Kylo Ren was a paradox to you; so in control of himself while at the same time so out of control—emotionless yet full of emotional outbursts. He was like a fire that burned within you, searing you yet warming you, pleasuring you. You were waiting for the inevitable burn.

As that thought crossed your mind, the man slowly withdrew the metal from you. His eyes wandered about your face, your body; his lips had parted, however when he caught himself he pressed them tightly together. Kylo Ren traced the metal, coated in your juices, along the outside of your thigh as he moved atop you. His length was pressed against your lower belly, the tip of his erection prodding your stomach as he hovered above you, his mouth directly before your face. You closed your eyes, opened them, looked at him then away and back again. You were terrified of him, suddenly so afraid of the unknown.

He trailed his fingertips up both your arms, lifting his torso while grinding his hips into yours. You swallowed thickly again, your body filled with desire for him. Kylo Ren dug his fingers into your hips, lifting his hips long enough to maneuver you so that he could begin easing himself into you. Your mouth dropped open, and he, likewise, had his lips apart as he breathed. You blinked repeatedly, staring up at him as he slowly worked himself into you. You panted, your breath hitching several times as he closed his eyes, his cock buried fully inside of you. It stretched you so full that you felt as though you could not breathe—even though that was exactly what you were doing as you panted and gulped down air.

Kylo Ren muttered something you could not make out then experimentally rolled his hips. You whimpered in want at the pleasing sensation of building friction inside of you. His cock stroked your inner walls a second time. He brushed his lips against your cheek; not kissing you, simply breathing against your flesh as he snapped his hips a third time. His fingers were hard on your hips, the leather biting into your skin so painfully, and yet your mind was more wrapped up in how he felt inside of you.

Setting one hand next to your side, he raised himself onto his knees and started to fuck you in earnest. You had never before believed the claim that someone could feel it in their bones, and yet that was how you felt in that moment. Your entire body was on fire, and his hips were moving so fast, his cock stroking you in all the right places, that you felt as though he was permanently joining his body with yours. You wrapped your legs around his waist, your toes curled without any hint at straightening. His stomach was brushing against your clit with every thrust, stimulating you. The hand from your hip traveled to your breast. He squeezed, rolling your breast then pinching at your nipple. The sensation went straight to your pussy, and you felt your walls beginning to pulse around him as your second orgasm threatened to crash upon you.

Feeling this, Kylo Ren angled himself differently. Your mouth hung open, your head thrown back as he repeatedly stroked you from within, hitting your g-spot over and over so that you were cumming. Kylo reached to the side, seized the lightsaber, and thrust it into your open mouth. The tip hit the back of your throat, causing you to gag. You swallowed around it, feeling nearly overwhelmed as his hips bucked into yours in unison with him fucking the metal into your mouth. The metallic taste against your tongue drew a grunt from you, which was followed by a moan when Kylo Ren’s hips stuttered and you could feel him trembling against you as he came.

Withdrawing the lightsaber from your mouth, the moment he pulled out of you, he shoved the hilt of his weapon back inside. You closed your eyes as your overly sensitive body responded to the stimulation, especially when he used his thumb to rock against your clit. In little time you came again. Kylo Ren drew back from you, ignoring you in favor of starting to clean off his weapon. You felt the Force leave your wrists, and slowly you drew your arms down to your belly. Staring up at the ceiling, you considered the fact that he was still dressed while you were naked. Fully exposed. What an appropriate metaphor of your… You did not know if you would call it a relationship.

“Prepare the mat and go to sleep.” Passionless. Calm. You shook your head, feeling the urge to cry arise as you moved off the bed and began to follow his orders.

You curled up on your side, your arms wrapped around your stomach and kept in place by your legs. Silently you cried, considering the fact that though Keln often called you garbage, you gave it only a fleeting thought. Kylo Ren said no such thing, yet he never kissed you, never let you touch him. Called you unworthy—and you felt like worse than garbage.

.

.

.

Of course, his continued cruelty would have been less confusing than you waking up to him lining a row of nerf-shaped crackers around you. His hand paused when he noticed you had awoken. He then lifted the limb, snatched another nerf from the bowl of crackers, and set it beside the others. You realized in that moment that Kylo Rens had strange mating rituals. Turning your head to peer up at him, you found that he was wearing that helmet of his. Kylo Ren ignored you in favor of completing his task. You started to open your mouth to say something, however the Force user set a cracker flat against your lips before lining up another of the nerf-shaped snacks along the floor. You closed your mouth, feeling the cracker wobbling a little as you breathed through your nose.

“Why are you so afraid of me when you weren’t before?” You reached up to remove the cracker so that you could speak, yet paused when his hand moved to stop you. You realized there was a good chance he was afraid of your answer, even if he would never admit to such a fear.

“Why won’t you let me touch you?” you countered at last, speaking softly enough that you were not forced to move your lips in a way that would cause the cracker to fall into your mouth. Kylo Ren rose to his feet, stepping away from you and walking calmly through his room. Your eyes kept track of his movements. “I never thought… The way you hurt me was different than being thrown down a garbage chute. In the elevator, like that.”

“When I choked you?” You released an _mmhm “You had been given a warning.” That didn’t make it right, you thought; you did not say this aloud, did not dare to. He removed his helmet, and you knew the only reason he had been wearing it was that he had left his quarters to grab the crackers. Kylo stepped closer to you, his eyes on the cracker that was still upon your lips. “The lieutenant…why?”_

_“We’ve…bonded. I trust him and feel close to him… I’m attracted to him physically.” The nerf on your lips threatened to slide down your chin. Kylo lifted a hand, making a gesture with his pointer finger that had the cracker returning to its previous position. “Why did you want to watch someone cumming on my face?” His eyes slid to the floor, and he almost looked lost. “To see how you’d feel about it?” Those orbs jerked towards your face, and you could have sworn you saw fear in them. “It…doesn’t matter.”_

_“No,” he said sternly. “It doesn’t.”_

_._

_._

_._

_Sitting at the console of your workstation, you considered the fact that your superior was an emotionally stunted man-child…who was very good at sex. If anyone paid close enough attention, they would notice that you were walking a little more stiffly, a little more bowlegged. Thankfully, the majority of those aboard the _Finalizer_ were caught up in their own tasks and paid you no heed. You rested against the back of the chair you were in. It continued to baffle you, that Kylo Ren would not let you touch him, would not kiss you._

__Always so controlling,_ you thought to yourself. _If he would just let go… Should I?__

_After several moments more of contemplation, you decided that you should._

_._

_._

_._

_A drugged Kylo Ren was an…interesting Kylo Ren, you thought with wide eyes and raised brows as he waved a hand in front of his face, marveling over the sight of it. You had not accounted for the fact that he would drink the entire bottle of wine before the drug started to take effect. That he would essentially be given a very high dose of the drug. “My veins are moving…”_

_“You’re, uhm, wearing your glove still,” you said, wincing a little and rethinking whether or not you should have gone through with your plan. Supreme Leader Snoke would _kill_ you if he knew what you had just done to his prized apprentice. Scratch that. Kylo Ren _was_ going to kill you once the drugs left his system._

_“No. I can feel it. Everything.” A drugged Kylo Ren was either more in-tune with the Force or else batshit crazy. You moved towards him and he held up a hand, forcing you to stop. A drugged Kylo Ren was no more interested in allowing you to touch him than a non-drugged Kylo Ren. He was half smiling at you, something that caused you to shudder as he used the Force to compel you to move over to the mat. Neither of you had cleaned it nor the crackers from the floor. You were made to sit on the center of the mat, and all around you were those nerf-shaped crackers. “You’re…a nerf-herder, Cindy Liu.”_

_A drugged Kylo Ren was a jerk._


	13. Woo-Who

Woo-Who

Drugged Kylo Ren liked to stare at you and force you to sit down whenever you tried to stand by using the Force. He would either wave his hands to sweep your feet out from underneath you, or else verbally command you, and you were unable to resist. You huffed out another sigh, glowering at him as he stood from the bed and strolled over to you. He paused a few times, as though trying to regain his balance, which was compromised by the increase in his Force abilities. Over time you had come to realize that being drugged _did_ increase his Force-sensitivity, however that also made his awareness to what was present a little wonky. Maybe he was a little more aware that he was on a ship floating through space. Did he feel as though he was floating?

His boots crunched some of the nerf-shaped crackers as he knelt on the mat with you. You sincerely wished you had never gone through with this plan to drug him so that you could take advantage of him. If he had been overwhelming before, he was practically intolerable now. Smothering. You narrowed your eyes, attempting to figure out a way to escape him. “Could…could you put on your helmet?”

“Why do you want to leave? You don’t want to be near me…” His increased Force-sensitivity was allowing him to readily read your mood. Kylo Ren rested his forehead against your shoulder. “What drug did you give me?” He chuckled before you could answer. “You drugged me. You.”

“You’re so _fucking_ **insulting** ,” you hissed, moving to rise. His hands caught you, this time physically; he held onto your upper arms, squeezing tightly. “Stop _using_ me like I’m _nothing_.” Kylo Ren turned his face and began sucking on your neck. You grit your teeth, hating yourself for liking the feel of it. He nibbled at your throat, and you knew a hickey had already been made by the time you were able to tug yourself away from him. “Stop!”

“Cindy Liu—“

“That’s not my name!” you hissed, standing. You crushed a number of the nerf-shaped crackers as you stomped away from him and headed for the door. You were both surprised and thankful that he did not stop you again. You exited the man’s quarters and headed immediately down the hall. Seconds later boots were making heavy footfalls behind you. You glanced over your shoulder then scowled. Wearing his helmet once more, Kylo Ren was sloppily following after you. He could not walk a straight line, and a part of you wished that he would trip on his own feet and fall. His legs being much longer than yours, he quickly overtook you. Kylo Ren turned, forcing you to stop walking lest you crash into him. You glared at him.

The next moment your eyes were wide saucers. Of all the times for you to be sent down a garbage chute—you hadn’t realized where you were standing, hadn’t seen that he had used the Force to open the door to the chute, and you certainly hadn’t expected him to throw you headfirst down the thing. You landed in the trash below with a grunt. You stood, brushing yourself off a bit. Taking a step forward, you surveyed your surroundings. Sliminess. Gunk. Random bits of garbage. A splash behind you as someone landed— _No!_ your mind screamed.

You whipped around, swearing when you saw it to be true. The Force user looked around at the garbage compactor. His head turned this way and that, and then that visor was focused on you. “We won’t be interrupted here.” Kylo Ren took a step closer to you. You readied a response, however were silent, albeit with your mouth open, when some trash fell into the place the Force user had just left. Apparently people had been heading for where you had been, and that was why Kylo Ren had seen it fit to throw you away. Along with himself. A drugged Kylo Ren liked to get dirty, you found—why did that make you a little giddy? What the hell sort of romance started off in a garbage compactor?

Little did you know, the emotionally stunted man you were with—his parents had once been in a trash compactor together. But, again, you were not privy to this information.

Which is perhaps why you were convincing yourself to panic instead of being thrilled. You faced the wall, dragging your nails down its grimy side and whining. “Why would you want to kiss me?”

Your whining ceased. Here you thought _you_ were fucked up, and yet the guy treating you like garbage—literally—seemed to be obsessed with the fact that someone would actually want to kiss him. Your mind meandered back to the issue you had previously pondered, the one that had led him to Force-choking you. People feared him, and as such held him at arm’s length. Likely this had been something that had been going on for longer than he had been under Supreme Leader Snoke’s tutelage.

“Why do you talk to me like I’m shit? You were nicer when you were dismissive.”

“You drugged me so that you could kiss me.” You watched him, the man setting a single hand against the wall you had previously been scratching at so that he could keep his balance. “The whole ship is moving.”

“Uhm, yeah. That’s what happens when—“

“I can feel _everything_.” There was a certain level of vehemence. You flinched, drawing a step backwards in retreat. “What drug did you give me?” Sighing heavily and shrugging your shoulder, you handed over the information. The drug you had given him was supposed to act as a sort of sedative that did not knock him out. Hallucinations were possible, however highly unlikely. The drug was one that had not been tested on Force users, which is perhaps why Kylo Ren appeared confused when you gave its name.

“Look, I just wanted you to relax for once and… Not be such an ass. Or controlling. You were unbelievably cruel when you… It wasn’t even sex. It was you fucking me. I don’t need tender, but… Just whatever. Get us out of here before the compactor turns on.”

“You send mixed signals.” You furrowed your brow, watching him and wondering why he was turning this onto you. That masked visage considered various portions of the trash compactor the two of you were in. “Why give me a video of you masturbating? You could have simply told me that such videos were not available on this ship. You appeared to care that day…suggested that I throw you down a garbage chute so that we would both feel better.

“You were comfortable enough to fall into an inebriated state with me. Confided in me. I attempted to reciprocate…” He paused, and your mind wandered back to how all of a sudden he had been taking off his helmet around you. He had, albeit awkwardly, sort of conversed with you. “Yet you were speaking with the lieutenant. Near him often. I wondered if, should I give you such an order, you would ask him to assist you…and you did. You liked it. And so I had you perform the act in front of me, to see… You care for him.

“You want to have sex with him, and you care about him. I’ve seen it in your mind. You desired me, were always so desperate for me to touch you—so desperate to touch me. It appeared to be solely physical, and then… You attempted to comfort me with that story. Saw it fit to finish the tale for me on that video.” A static sort of sound from his mask, something akin to a sigh. “You would not stop seeing him. You do not want to stop. Why should I allow you to touch me? You wish to have relations with a different man. Another reason I don’t see why I should kiss you—just let you be Cindy Liu, you told me.”

“Look, I’m sorry I—“

“You’re a lowly officer. You mean nothing to me.” Kylo Ren turned, holding out a hand towards the door of the compactor. You heard it opening, watched him walking away so that he could leave. Despite his stance that you meant nothing, that you were not worthy…after what he had just told you, you were wondering if he was trying to convince himself rather than you. You knew that he probably needed some time alone, and yet…

And yet you had drugged him with a substance that was making him extra sensitive to everything around him—including the ever-moving ship, which was most likely why he laid down flat on the floor after crawling out of the trash. You sighed, knowing that it was time to take responsibility for your actions, and dragged yourself out of the compactor before the door could close. You laid down on your back next to him. Boy, you thought, were the pair of you a sight. Covered in stinky garbage. Lying on the floor like this. You watched the man next to you. A drugged Kylo Ren was an emotionally compromised Kylo Ren, you quickly realized when he started to talk again.

“Han Solo and Leia were in a trash compactor along with Skywalker when they were escaping the first Death Star.” You blinked, remaining perfectly silent as he spoke to you. It was the most open he had ever been. “According to Leia, she had called Solo a nerf-herder… Why did you have a story about a nerf-herder?”

He was drawing parallels with the relationship of Han Solo and Leia, which baffled you until you considered his parentage. Oh. _Oh._ **Shit**. “Just a stupid coincidence, Commander Ren.”

Apparently able to deal with the movement of the Star Destroyer, Kylo Ren pushed off the ground and stood. You quickly followed suit, not wanting to neglect his need of a supervisor. “Perhaps I should be thanking you,” that modulated voice said, and you shook your head slowly in confusion as you continued to follow after him. “I allowed sentiment… I let myself grow weak—you. You, such a lowly officer—you were able to drug me.” A scoff, presented in a static-like form through his vocoder. You felt sick to your stomach. Kylo Ren paused, turning his torso alone and looking directly at you. “You are relieved of your duty. As of this moment you will no longer be the one to prepare my quarters.” He turned back around, striding away. You were frozen in place, not only from his words. The Force kept you in place until the elevator doors closed after he got on, until your view of the man was blocked. He disappeared, and only then were you handed back the ability to control your own body, which collapsed to the ground.

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You stared up at the ceiling from your position on the floor. Behind you sat the chair at which you were supposed to be seated; it was in front of your workstation, yet you had found within the first ten minutes that you could not concentrate. What if your replacement used a droid? What if he/she did not bring the wine for the man? What if Kylo Ren hated whatever was done for him in his quarters? Or, worse, what if he liked it? Groaning, you rubbed the heels of your hands against your eyes. You could have dealt with his cruelty! But he had all but admitted that he had been attracted to you—it was the second time, you thought as you recalled his reference to throwing you away when you had been thinking about people liking sweets yet having them tossed in the garbage.

Sighing, you pulled yourself up and slipped back into your chair. General Hux would take away your task of preparing _his_ quarters if you neglected your work. And you were starting to grow fond of your mini play dates with Millicent.

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It was so stupid, you thought as you sat down on your bed. An empty datachip at your disposal, and—but you wanted to make sure he had something. You lifted the book you had been reading to him previously, turned to the page you had left off on, and hit the record button. You started to read, staring at the words on the pages and not the camera. You had decided close to the end of your shift that you would do this. Because, damn it, he had been wrong! It had not been purely physical. Yes, you had been pursuing a relationship with Mitaka when you had been with him, and yet… Well, he was a confusing fucker who sucked at dropping hints without, to you, seeming like nothing more than a possessive, great-at-sexual-acts Force user that simply wanted to fuck you and nothing else.

Plus, you had been distracted by your own issues. And your attraction to Dopheld Mitaka had been occurring long before your assignment to prepare Kylo Ren’s quarters. Then there was Keln, always distracting you with his insults—more currently with kissing then hitting you. You had considered filming yourself saying such things to the Knight, yet doubted he would listen. He apparently had his own issues as well; why else would he be experiencing nightmares? A story was something he could use. And that was why you kept reading, not realizing that it was close to four hours later until the beeping indicated that the datachip was filled.

Setting aside the book after marking your place, you saved the file, removed the chip, and exited your room with it in your hand.

Officer Illon was coming out of Commander Ren’s quarters when you arrived. You paused, feeling your cheeks heat up at the realization that the woman who had shadowed you that single time was now doing what had been your job for months. You clutched the datachip in your hand, your eyes darting to the keypad outside the door. The code would have been changed already. Feeling your throat constrict as you swallowed, you stepped closer to the other officer, who frowned at your approach.

“How did you do it?”

“Huh?” You blinked, not having expected to be posed with such a question.

Illon gestured to the door. “Everything I’ve tried today… He doesn’t even want the wine. He won’t give a hint. How did you do it?”

“I… Try this,” you said, setting the chip into his hand. She stared at it suspiciously, yet sighed and went back through the doors. You left before she came back out. If she returned with the chip in her hand, if Kylo Ren refused to even see what it was—you did not want to be there for that.

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The next day you returned to your quarters after work to find a small box sitting by your door. You bent down, picked it up, and walked inside your room. You sat on your bed with the box in your lap. After staring dumbly at it for more than a minute, you proceeded to open it. Inside was a datachip. You sighed, moved to grab your holopad, and inserted the chip. It read as blank. For a moment you sat there dumbstruck. Then realization hit you. Your eyes wandered over to the book.

It took you only three hours to finish the novel. You reached forward, hit stop on the recording program, and withdrew the datachip from the holopad. You exited your quarters to find Officer Illon waiting. She appeared to be greatly relieved at the sight of you. You set the datachip in her outstretched hand, listened to her thank you, and watched her leave.

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“You’ve been avoiding me.” You glanced at the lieutenant as he entered the work area. Your coworkers were on lunch break, whereas you had decided that you weren’t hungry and your plan was to get a little more work done. You muttered out an apology to him. Lieutenant Mitaka shook his head. “In retrospect, I should not have… Or are you avoiding me because I reported Officer Keln’s actions?”

“Sort of that. Things have quieted down with him, but I feel more like it’s the calm before the storm. And getting back into the swing of work… Can’t exactly just lie around in the middle of the hall anymore. But, I mean, I’ve still been making your lunches for you.”

“I appreciate that,” he said, a smile forming on his face. You could see his relief, and it allowed you to relax in your seat. You really did like Dopheld Mitaka. He was comfortable to be around, be it sexually or platonically. “Commander L/n will be boarding the ship by tomorrow at noon. I wasn’t sure if you were aware.”

“Nope,” you said, a light popping noise emitting from you at the final portion of the word. “That’s always awkward. At least he’ll be happy though. What with me not preparing Commander Ren’s quarters anymore. Although I still work on the General’s… But I’m also doing my regular job, so all should be well.”

“There… There is video surveillance of you and Commander Ren entering the garbage chute.” Ah yes, you thought, you had forgotten that cameras existed on certain portions of the vessel for security purposes. “He threw you away again?”

“Yeah, but I didn’t ask him to this time,” you said, defending yourself and also attempting to put the lieutenant’s mind at ease. “Things just…” You were staring blankly at the screen in front of you. “I have to go.” Breath escaped him, however you were out of the room before Mitaka was given any sort of chance to speak.

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Kylo Ren stared down at you from behind his mask. You had knocked like a madwoman against the door to his quarters in hopes that he was present, and thankfully he had been. With a book clutched in your hand, you started to move forward. The Force user must have been taken aback by your boldness, for he stepped back and allowed things to happen. The door closed behind him. He simply stood there while you grabbed up the stool, positioned it where you wanted to at the end of the bed, and took a seat.

“What are you doing?” You gestured towards the bed. He looked there, but did not move.

Sighing and rolling your eyes, you spoke up with, “Look. I’m used to being the one openly flirting and having it dismissed. I don’t do…subtle. So, basically, I’m used to being the one in control. Being the lead. So…please sit down and let me woo you.”

A sigh, in the form of static, from the man. He sounded exasperated. You frowned and stared down at the book in your hands. Kylo Ren, you were pleased to see, decided to humor you. He walked to the bed and sat down directly across from you. You could feel his eyes boring into you, watching your every move with not-a-little suspicion. Clearing your throat, however, you did what you could to ignore this. You opened the book you had brought at began to read.

It took him five pages before he was sitting up straight then leaning his body a little away from you. He appeared at a complete loss. Apparently he had never considered the possibility that the book you would bring was erotica—but that was only because you knew he liked porn, and did not know what other sort of book to bring. The last novel had been something he had bought, something you had picked up and started to read when he was sick. Now Kylo Ren was standing and pacing the room. Boots falling heavily across the floor. His head whipping in your direction a few times then he would stare in the direction he was going. Back and forth in the room, as though part of him wanted to stop you from continuing to read and the other part was enjoying it.

You paused in your reading, feeling your cheeks heating up—not from the erotic scene you had been reading, but from what you admitted to him. “Okay, I guess it seems more like I’m trying to _seduce_ you here, but the truth is I don’t know how to _woo_ you, because you’re fucking confusing.”

“A ‘love chasm’?” You could practically hear the snicker.

Frowning, you released a heavy breath and glowered at him. “Well I wasn’t going to bring a steamy erotica…that would be awkward to read.”

“Yes.” You nodded, opened your mouth, and then paused when he continued with: “No.”

“Huh?”

“I wasn’t agreeing with you. I was saying that I want to hear you read it.”

“Steamy erotica?”

“Yes.”

“What? No. I—“

“I’ll read you a chapter of it.” He tilted his head to the side. “With the mask on.” So fucking tempting, you thought. “And then another with it off.” Wow, he was more seductive than you were. Wait…

“Why do you have to one-up everything I do?”

“Hm?” Said so innocently when the both of you knew he was anything but.

“The chocolate tauntaun. The cracker TIE fighters. Seducing people.”

“I apparently failed to woo you.”

“But I have returned!”

“And I have yet to drug you.”

“Yeah, well… did you just say ‘yet’?”

“Bring the novel this evening and you may continue your wooing.” Kylo Ren gestured towards the door, which opened as though by magic. Ah, you thought, him and the Force. “It would be best if you completed the tasks assigned to you as an officer first.”

As you slunk out of his quarters, you were wrapped up with several trains of thought. The main one revolved around what erotica book you would bring. A second over the fact that he had _finally_ admitted to trying to woo you in his own awkward way. And another obsessed with that single word: yet. Then a fourth popped into your head. The memory of him saying ‘love chasm’. Mocking. With that modulated voice. It was funnily enough turning you on. Suddenly you knew _exactly_ which erotica book you were going to bring for the two of you to read.


	14. Revenge

Revenge

The way you discovered that Commander (L/n) had arrived early was that he had approached you…while your hand was on the erotica book you were intending to read to Kylo Ren. Your name slipping from his lips, your father stumbled through a series of random phrases, and you were greatly aware that he was flustered over learning that his daughter even possessed such pieces. You cleared your throat, dropped your hand away from the novel, and faced the man. The two of you conversed civilly for a few minutes before you were informed that you would be taking a trip to a nearby planet. On the Command Shuttle no less. With Kylo Ren and your father both present. And while that would normally be a sort of honor, you found that you had been looking forward to riding Kylo Ren, not his shuttle. Plus there was the whole aspect of your father being present, which put even more of a damper on things.

Controlling your facial features, however, you acknowledged the information as an order then proceeded to grab any necessary items for the journey. Your only reprieve was that neither Officer Keln nor Lieutenant Mitaka would be traveling with the three of you. There would be two other officers, who would be taking care of the piloting aspect. When you boarded the ship, you were seated beside Commander (L/n), while Commander Ren took his place on the opposite side.

When the Command Shuttle arrived on the planet’s surface, Kylo Ren split off from the others. You watched him leave, feeling more than a little confused until your father informed you that the Force user had requested to piggy-back on the trip he had in mind for the purpose of purchasing…the Knight had never revealed exactly what it was he wanted. “And…why am… Why am I…?”

“A father can’t spend time with his daughter?” the man at your side countered. You blinked, muttering out a light apology though not certain why you were apologizing in the first place. It wasn’t _your_ fault you were confused. Commander (L/n) did not often spare time like this, however you supposed it had much to do with the progress you had made since his previous visit. “Come now. I hear they have rather exquisite clothing.”

Though he was proud of you for joining the First Order, your father did often regret that he could not see you dressed up as a lady. There were some exceptions, such as when you took leave to visit your mother, however oftentimes your father was away on duty during those visits. It was rare indeed that the two of you were able to meet up outside of the workplace. This was perhaps why you so easily forgot your disappointment in regards to being unable to read steamy erotica with Kylo Ren, and you focused more on enjoying yourself.

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Your father was not the only man who thought the clothing was exquisite, nor that it complemented your figure. It had been decided that the five of you would stay the night on the planet’s surface. Kylo Ren’s room was across from yours in the building, and your father’s was to the right of yours. The other two officers were staying aboard the Command Shuttle to ensure that nothing would happen to it. Shortly after dinner, you had dressed in one of the gowns with the plan to sleep in it. Then your door had opened despite being locked—the Force sure did have many uses, you had reflected as the man stepped inside. Kylo Ren had stopped short upon seeing you in the gown. He softly closed the door then strode over to you, placing a single hand on your chest and pinning you against the wall.

He had immediately started to bunch up the gown, his hips pressing tightly against yours. You were a panting mess underneath him, trying to keep your hands flat against the wall lest he become angered with attempts to touch him. With your gown drawn up and pinned between your stomach and his, Kylo Ren drew his cock out of his pants. He hooked a thumb along the edge of your panties, parting them to the side and then teasing you with the head of his erection before thrusting up into you. He started a quick pace immediately, and you hiked a leg up over his waist to better angle yourself against him.

“My…father…will…he…he…hear….nnnn!” Your hands flew towards his stomach, where they balled up the material of his robes and tugged. As your limbs were not exactly touching him, Kylo Ren ignored the grip in favor of continuing to pound his hips up into yours. He reached into his robe with one of his hands, withdrawing a syringe. You went to move in retreat, however he kept you still with the Force. He held onto the leg you had tucked around him and pressed the needle into you until he was able to deliver the drug—whatever it was—via the bevel. “Ow!”

“Quiet—Commander (L/n) will hear,” he said simply, teasingly. The Knight set aside the syringe, cupping the side of your face a moment later. He seemed to be watching your eyes, though you could not say for certain as he still wore that helmet.

Heat was flooding through you, and it was not only arousal—except it sort of was, you realized. “Shit…you…fucker… Damn it!” you were hissing out the curses and swears in a semi-whisper. He had given you a drug used on slaves to enhance arousal. _That_ was his reason for visiting. You balled up his robes further, wrapping your other leg around him and leaning back against the wall so that your shoulder blades were digging against the surface. “Fuck…Mmmm…don’t stop, please, don’t fucking stop.”

Kylo Ren chuckled, alternating the way he was moving. He made almost dipping motions, which added more stimulation to your clit. You closed your eyes, relishing in the feel of it. “How does it feel—enhanced sensations?”

“Oooooh!” Words were hard for you, increasingly so as time dragged on, as he denied you orgasm by pulling out of you and holding onto your wrists so that you could not release his robes in order to pleasure yourself. You stared at him pleadingly, chewing on your bottom lip and trying to rub your thighs together, but he had placed a knee there that prevented you from doing this. “Nn…oh….guh…mmm…” The heat would not end, and you felt a burning _need_ and _aching_ for him. You imagined he was smiling behind that mask of his. As it was, he had his head tilted to the side as he watched you. Your heart felt as though it was going to beat out of your chest.

The Force user tugged off your panties, unhooking your legs to complete this task. You moaned then shuddered as he stuffed your underwear into your mouth. He places his fingers against your stomach, his hand arched so that the palm was not touching you. In this way he pushed you towards the bed then onto the mattress. Kylo Ren jerked your arms above your head, using the Force to spread your legs. You breathed heavily through your nose, whining into the makeshift gag.

He made sure his cock was in clear view of you as he wrapped his gloved fingers around the base. He jerked himself a few times then paid careful attention to the head, smearing precum, teasing himself as he stared down at you. Your chest heaved all the more, your body screaming for him. You were so hot, so wet. Your juices were running down your perineum, your ass, onto the blankets upon which you were laying. You whined, and Kylo again started to pump himself, this time faster. He tugged the gown you were wearing, his free hand moving it so that your lower belly was exposed. His fingertips ghosted there, and the sensation shot straight to your pussy. The hand on his cock slid down towards his sac. Back up again.

You inhaled deeply, your eyes impossibly wide as the man climbed onto the bed between your legs. He nudged your clit with the head of his cock then slapped the underside of his shaft against you. You whimpered, loving every second of it. Ren rocked his hips, rolling them so that his cock teased your outer lips and your clit. With a dip, he pressed against your entrance. Then he drew back, and his hand resumed its task of pleasuring himself. You watched his wrist, your eyes moving back to his erection. The mattress was squeaking a little, though not too loudly.

A chuckle from the helmet-wearing man. He positioned himself at your entrance and pushed inside. Without waiting, he started to fuck you. You moaned, your hands shooting down since they were free. You grabbed at the front of his robes again, near his stomach, and balled the material. You pressed your feet flat against the mattress, bucking up your hips and throwing your head back. It did not occur to you that the way the headboard of the bed was hitting the wall, that your father would be hearing the noise. You were completely, blissfully ignorant of such details. All you could focus on was the sex. The drug in your system made everything feel…more. Shocks of pleasure were rippling through you. Kylo was holding onto your wrists as he drove himself over and over into your body.

Biting down on the gag in your mouth, on your own panties, you tried to suppress all your whimpers. He pulled out of you, flipping you onto all fours. Kylo grabbed your waist, dragging you back onto his cock as he fucked you from behind. The mattress was squeaking more loudly, the headboard slamming against the wall more fiercely. You could hear him breathing, loved the way he would grunt here and there. His cock felt so delicious inside of you, stretching you, filling you. And then he was gone from you, and you sobbed into the gag.

He stood from the bed as you rolled over, your eyes hungrily drinking in the sight of him trailing a lone finger up and down his swollen member. Ren unhooked his lightsaber from his belt, shoved it inside of you, and took a step back. You felt the metal object moving as though of its own accord. Throwing your head back, you ran your hands up and down your body. As he used the Force to manipulate his weapon, you shuddered. The result of him not using his hand to complete the task resulted in the lightsaber shuddering here and there, as though it were vibrating. You clawed at the blankets below, feeling yourself cumming around the saber.

The movements of the saber did not stop. You shuddered, practically convulsing until you managed to regain control of your breathing. With it still moving inside of you, you shifted towards the edge of the bed and dropped to your knees on the floor. You tugged out the panties that Kylo Ren had stuffed into your mouth, moved closer to him, and placed your arms behind your back while opening your mouth. He rewarded you by gripping the back of your head by the hair and shoving his cock to the back of your throat. You moaned hotly around him, bobbing your head eagerly.

You were riding the lightsaber as he fucked you with it. Tracing your tongue along his cock when you moved back for air, you wrapped your lips around the head several times in mini kisses. You then tilted your head to the side so that you could press forward and suckle his sac before running your tongue from his balls all the way up his dick. He allowed you to do this twice before reentering your mouth, which you sealed around him.

Shuddering, Kylo Ren pulled back out of your mouth, You felt the lightsaber stilling within you, and you shakily stood whilst clasping onto the front of his robes. He withdrew his weapon, tossed it onto the bed, and grabbed your hips so that he could shove you up against he wall, where he started to fuck you again. It didn’t take long for you to cum again, nor for him to sigh in orgasm. One of his hands was on your mouth, stifling your moans and screams of pleasure.

Sweat poured down your body, and tears filled your eyes as you realized that the heat coursing through your veins had hardly abated. You stared up at Kylo Ren pleadingly. He only chuckled, tucked himself away, and grabbed hold of his lightsaber. You immediately went to pleasure yourself, only to have your hands jerked away by quick motion from the man. You swore, tears running down your cheeks as this occurred several times more.

“Do not touch yourself…and I will know if you do.” That being said, he strode out of the room.

You dropped down to your knees, cursing the man. Sure, you may have drugged him first, but… And then it finally dawned on you that your actions on the bed—the squeaking mattress, the banging headboard—and against the wall—your ass pounding into it with every one of his thrusts—would have been heard by your father. You buried your face into your hands, fighting to keep down the sobs as heat and wetness pooled between your legs.

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Two hours. It had been two hours, and you could not sleep, for the aching between your legs was so great. You were sweating, whimpering, and slamming your head into your pillow over and over again. You growled, whipping the blankets off of yourself and heading for your door. You tiptoed out, moved across the hall, and knocked quietly on the door to Kylo Ren’s room. You squeezed your eyes closed and said a silent prayer that your father would not catch you. The door opened, and you quickly stepped inside. The Knight was on the bed, wearing only pants, which were opened in the front as he ran a bare hand up and down the length of his cock.

“Fuck,” you hissed, striding over to the bed and climbing up. You moved aside your gown, straddling him and trying to ignore his smirk as he moved his hand so that you could impale yourself on his member. You immediately started riding him, your knuckles white as you gripped the front of your gown. “Mmm…fuck…nnnn…yeah. Fuck, you’re so good.”

He reached forward, grabbed your wrists, and set your hands on his abdomen. You gasped at the feel of his naked flesh. Bracing yourself against him, you started to ride him harder. Kylo met your pace with ease, allowing his head to settle against the headboard so that he could watch you as the two of you fucked. “Get undressed,” he said after swallowing down some of the saliva that had started to gather in his mouth. You tugged the gown over your head and tossed it off to the side. “What book was it?”

“Hmm? What?” Your mind was not working properly. All you could focus on was how slick you were around him, how easy it made it for you to ride him faster and faster. “What book?”

“That we were going to read,” he said, starting to fondle your breasts.

You mumbled something incoherent then tried again. “It was…nnn… Uhm…oh… You know…”

Kylo Ren chuckled at your expense. His hands on you tensed, his eyes more black than brown and his mouth open. You found your release as well. You rolled off of him and laid down on your back, staring up at the ceiling and whining. He held three fingers in front of your face, and you swore. Six orgasms total before the drug wore off. He had apparently done his research.

“Please make me cum,” you begged, moving up onto your knees.

He reached between your legs, pinching your clit then shoving three fingers up into you. You groaned, grinding down against the digits. “You will return to your room before the night is over… Commander (L/n) knows only that _you_ are having sex.” You nodded, closing your eyes and enjoying the way he was touching you.

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In the morning, you were miserable. Two more times. You needed to come two more times before the drug wore out of your system. You hadn’t realized that Kylo Ren would keep your body in such a sensitive state for so long. You felt as though you were going to pass out from all the heat. You tried not to look his way as the three of you sat to enjoy a quick meal before returning to the Command Shuttle. Your father could hardly meet your eye, and this proved Kylo Ren’s words to be true. Still, when you addressed him, he did answer you. You could not focus entirely on what was being said, even as you boarded the vessel.

Once more you were strapped in beside your father and Kylo Ren had taken the seat across from you. The engines roared to life and all you could think was: Oh…fucking…shit…

Vibrations, light and erratic, pulsed through you. You bit down on your lip, trying to control your breathing. This could _not_ be happening, you thought. Not when you were next to your father. And yet it was. Your eyelids fluttered, and you trembled in pleasure. Commander (L/n) turned to you as the Command Shuttle started to lift from the ground. More rocking, and it went straight to your over stimulated cunt.

“Are you alright?” your father asked.

“J-ju-just…ah! An…anx…anx…ie..TY! ….at..tah…tah!-tack,” you said, failing at keeping your voice level as your orgasm crashed down upon you. You did not doubt that your face was flushed, and you did what you could to avoid looking at Kylo Ren, who was likely quite pleased with himself.

“Perhaps you should see the psychologist again,” you heard Commander (L/n) mutter. You did not respond, but instead rested your head back against the headrest and closed your eyes. One more time, you thought…just one more and the torture would be done. You were never ever ever ever ever going to drug Commander Ren again…because he _really_ did have a knack for one-upping people, _especially_ when it came to revenge.

You really should have expected it, yet you hadn’t. If take-off had made you cum, then landing was…well, in this case more orgasmic. And thus you could not hold back your moans, nor stop yourself from arching and throwing your head back in a way that had your father spluttering and the other two officers looking back at you. You panted, slamming your hand upon the wall and groaning as the last of the tremors shot through you. That had been the _best_ ride aboard _any_ vessel that you had _ever_ had.

 _Sorry, daddy,_ you thought, chancing a glance at the man, whose face was a burning red as he stared straight ahead with wide eyes. His Adam’s apple bobbed and you cringed in embarrassment for the both of you. Your eyes traveled to Kylo Ren. His posture said it all. Not only was he pleased with himself, but he had to sit at a strange angle to hide his arousal in response to your orgasm.

Fuck but did you have a strong urge to go for another ride already. Kylo Ren surreptitiously displayed two fingers. 

He had lied to you.

You still had two more orgasms to go.

_Fuck!_


	15. Punishment

Punishment

Your father cleared his throat as he muttered out an apology on your behalf to Commander Ren. The masked man said nothing, though he did transfer his attention from you to Commander (L/n). Having gathered his bearings and reclaimed control over his body, Kylo Ren stood and departed from the Command Shuttle. You attempted to stare straight forward without your vision blurring around the edges. Damn but were you still so hot. When Commander (L/n) stood from his seat, you clumsily followed suit and headed after him out of the vessel. The _Finalizer_ was bustling with life, most individuals ignorant to the fact that you had just had an orgasm in full view of both your father and the Force user. You hoped things would remain that way, yet doubted it given the fact that the other two officers had undoubtedly known what was occurring.

“Perhaps you should retire to your quarters, Officer (L/n),” your father said tersely when the pair of you entered a corridor. Wincing, you did not object. Though phrased as a suggestion, you knew his words to be an order.

You broke off at the next intersection and headed for your quarters. The heat coursing through you was not letting up in the least. Due to this, you were all the more grateful that your father had sent you away. Commander (L/n) would have only been more embarrassed had you remained by his side, given the fact that you were failing to control your breathing. By the time you reached your room, your breaths were coming out in pants. This only increased when you noticed Kylo Ren was sitting upon a stool he had brought into your quarters.

Closing the door behind you, you initiated the locks so that the only way one could enter was for a code to override things. This would give you plenty of time should any of your superiors decide to pay you a visit—not that you suspected they would.

“Commander Ren,” you shot out, quite pleased with yourself for managing to speak at all. You moved closer to the man, moving to straddle his waist. Your actions, however, were thwarted by his gloved hands seizing your hips and stilling you mid-action. Thus you allowed yourself to press down on his leg, which was between both of yours. Sitting upon his thigh, you shuddered at the added pressure on your clit. “Please tell me you aren’t lying again. It’s just two, right?”

“Yes…” His visor turned towards the bookcase you had in your room, directly to the erotica novel you had been reaching for the previous day when your father’s arrival had altered your plans. “You will read first.”

“Shit,” you said, practically trembling as you forced yourself to stand on shaky legs. You shuffled towards the shelf, grabbed hold of the novel, and pulled it forward. You flipped to the first page.

“Undress as you read.” How the hell was he able to sound so passive? You wondered if it was only due to the helmet then thought better of this assumption. Though he could have such emotional outbursts, he was in complete control of himself right then.

You set the open book upon the end of your bed. Peering down at the page, you started to read as you slowly but surely worked your pants down your hips, over your thighs, down your legs. Kylo Ren had stood from the stool. He was pacing back and forth like a predator stalking its prey, assessing you, listening to what you were saying. The sex happened in the second chapter, you remembered—the one Kylo Ren would be reading. Yet some of the foreplay occurred in the latter pages of the portion you were reading.

The heat between your legs increased when you arrived at that portion. You stumbled over a few of the words, having to break off to catch your breath. You still had your bra and panties on. You reached behind yourself, unhooking the former and sliding the straps down the lengths of your arms. You tossed the article of clothing away. Flustered by both what you were reading and the knowledge of your current state, you hooked both your thumbs into your panties, one on either side. You began to pull them down, feeling some of your wetness dripping and continuing to connect the material with your cunt until your panties relinquished their hold. Kylo Ren slipped a hand between your legs, and with a single finger he twirled your juices around the digit all the way up towards your pussy. He grazed the seam of his leather glove along you, teasing your swollen clit and prodding at your entrance.

“Y-your t-t-t-u-urn-n-n, Si-sir,” you managed to pant out as you closed your eyes.

Kylo Ren raised his hand away from you, slipping his drenched finger past your lips. You immediately started to suck your juices from his glove. A moan left you as he started to read. Such dirty words and phrases filtering through that mask such as: “…ran his cock along her drenched outer lips, teasing her and watching as she squirmed underneath him…” A light chuckle and then a purr when he read: “…and indeed she had not been lying when she had told him that she was a virgin. Her tightness nearly made him forget himself. Yet, having no desire to hurt her, he waited until she grew accustomed to the stretch, the moderate amount of pain still coursing through her to fade…”

You pressed your legs tightly together, rubbing your thighs against one another in a feeble attempt to generate some friction. The hissing noise that preceded him removing his helmet had you groaning. All you could think about was that he had a tongue. He had lips. You wanted those on you. And yet he was reading, once more spilling forth inappropriate acts the two protagonists of the novel committed. Gasping, you turned and dropped to your knees. You mouthed him through all his layers of clothing, keeping your hands on your thighs then grabbing at yourself. You moaned hotly against the front of his pants as you traced your fingers along your entrance then thrust them inside. You used your other hand to pinch your nipple. All the while you listened.

“…the carnal desire he had awoken in her could never be sated.” A dry chuckle, as though he were considering the position you were in. You whimpered, using your teeth to drag along the outside of his robes in an attempt to deepen the sensation he was able to feel. A grunt was your reward. A hand on the back of your head, shoving your face into his crotch more firmly. You tilted your head to the side and teased his hardening shaft through his clothes as he finished the last two paragraphs of the chapter.

Just as your orgasm started to build, you found your hands being yanked away. You whimpered into the material of his pants, his hand holding your head in place. Staring up at him with your eyes, you attempted to beg him, only to have your words muffled to the point where they could not possibly be understood. You knew he was not oblivious to the intentions of your begging, however, and so were all the more disappointed when he merely chuckled at your expense then stepped back, breaking off all contact.

“Sir, please let me cum,” you whined, gulping down air the next second. It was growing uncomfortable to even breathe. It struck you that he was dragging out your ordeal for his own sick amusement. Your contact with him had been sheltered in a way, you came to realize. He took pleasure in the discomfort of his enemies. The moment you had drugged him, in a small way that was what you had become. It had been an offense that could have gotten you executed, could be construed as an act of treason. He was being both merciful and merciless with this recourse. You lowered your eyes to the ground, feeling ashamed of your previous actions and your current position.

It sickened you, and suddenly you loathed the aspect of his touch just as much as you craved it. You should be thanking him for his mercy. For allowing your father to see you in such a state rather than being sent to the firing squad. Gritting your teeth, you felt tears stinging your eyes. This was truly a man who did not allow sentiment to cloud his judgment. He was Supreme Leader’s top enforcer, and there was a reason for that.

“Get on the bed and spread your legs for me.”

He spoke as though he was fully aware you would not—could not—question him. You obeyed, staring up at the ceiling and pressing your lips tightly together to keep from saying a single word. Kylo Ren stepped over to the bed, standing at the end of it with his hands placed on either of your legs so that he could lean forward to take in your naked form. One of his hands, the right, trailed lazily towards your exposed cunt. He bypassed your clit without touching it, ghosted over your entrance, and drew a single digit towards the bottom of your perineum. You tensed, releasing a noise of indignation when swirled the tip of his glove around your rear.

“You’ve never done _this_ before,” he said, as though this fact amused him. You swore up a storm in your head, squeezing your eyes closed and keeping them that way as you bit the insides of your cheeks. You wanted to protest, yet you didn’t—perhaps that was the drug speaking. “Turn over.” You wrinkled your nose as you obeyed him, rolling onto your stomach. Immediately his hands were on your ass cheeks, which he spread apart. His thumbs were on either side of your anus, which he parted as best he could. The tight ring, however, would not give much. “You’re so desperate for release…” _He_ was the reason for that, you shot out in your mind. You could feel his lips along your tailbone, however, and some of your bitterness ebbed. “Do you have lubricant?”

You thought for several seconds, wondering all the while if he would fuck you even if you did not. “Uhm…some …uh, I think there’s petroleum jelly in…” You heard him rising and leaving to grab the object. He returned not long afterwards. The cap was removed, and you were able to hear part of his glove scraping along the rim of the container as he coated his fingers in the substance.

You winced as he worked his middle finger into you. He did not leave it in long, instead removing the digit to gather more of the lubricant. You balled your blankets up with your hands, resting your forehead against your knuckles. Kylo smeared some excess petroleum jelly onto your ass, spreading it before again wiggling his middle finger into you. You felt yourself clenching around his finger, and you tried to force yourself to relax. He thrust the digit in and out a few times then slipped his index finger into you as well. You hissed, grinding your teeth together.

You were breathing heavily through your nose each time he removed his fingers then pressed them back into you. Working you, loosening you. Three fingers inside of you, and you were biting down on the blankets because the Force user was spreading you more and adding the fourth digit. The next time he removed his hand, you could hear the shuffling of clothes as he freed himself from his robes. Again with his glove scraping along the rim of the container, then you could hear him working his cock with those lubricant-coated fingers, with his palm. It sounded so wet, and the noise caused your vaginal walls to clench around nothing in want.

Kylo Ren set his hands on your ass again, spreading you with his thumbs. “Look at you,” he murmured. You shuddered, feeling one of his hands leaving you so that he could grip his cock. He pressed it flat against you, fucking your ass cheeks. You continued to tremble. “Fuck.” Kylo positioned himself at your entrance, the head of his cock prodding you. You felt your muscles clench as you tensed. “Relax or it’ll hurt more.” One hand pulling aside your cheek, the other guiding his cock into you. When the head was in—you were hissing, your teeth chattering for a moment—he released his dick so that he could spread your other cheek. He bucked up into you slowly, inch by inch.

You could feel him sinking into you, which was not the most comfortable thing in the world. Willing yourself to relax, you found that it did indeed hurt less. When he was halfway inside of you, Kylo released your ass in favor of seizing your hips. He tugged you up so that you were kneeling then pulled down on you to aid in seating you fully on him. He swore appreciatively, and you felt the drug beginning its magic again. The sensation was causing your juices to drip.

One of his hands slid from your side to your cunt, and he was rolling your clit with his middle and ring fingers. You whimpered. “Look at you,” he growled out again. “Fuck, take it.” With those words he bucked up more harshly into you, and you gasped. “Mm…That’s right.” You knew he was balls deep inside of you when he stopped dragging you down, when you felt his sac against the flesh of your ass. Kylo paused in his ministrations against your clit. Panting, you rested back against his clothed chest, your head falling against his shoulder. He teased your entrance. “Look how wet you are.” You breathed heavily, sweat pouring down your body as your mouth moved to form words yet nothing came out. “So ready to be filled.”

Your eyelids fluttered. He was rocking into you in very light thrusts. You felt him reach to the side, heard a sort of click. Kylo Ren brought his lightsaber forward, pressing the tip against you. You swore, spreading your legs obediently for him. He swiped along your folds, making sure to stroke your clit. Your body spasmed, which prompted the man to hook his other arm under yours and cross it over your chest so that he was able to hold the opposite shoulder. He started to shove the lightsaber up into you. The metal ridges caressed you from the inside, and you could not hold back your moans.

When it was halfway inside of you, Kylo Ren removed his hand from it. The Force dragged the weapon in and out of you in unison with the pace he set for his own thrusts. He fucked you slow at first, careful not to tear you. The hand that had been on the lightsaber he placed against your clit again. Rocking just those two fingers. You seized your bottom lip between your teeth as you clumsily attempted to meet his movements. You had to place your hands on his thighs, which you gripped tightly for support.

“Good…you’re so good,” you murmured. He did not say anything back, opting instead to show his approval by seizing your ear with his teeth. His tongue trailed up the lobe, and your body shook in orgasm. “Nnnn….fuck….oh, fuck, yeah.”

As your walls pulsed around him, the Force user swore. He started to move with more purpose, increasing the way he was manipulating the lightsaber as well. You were practically screaming in pure pleasure as his hips noisily pounded into yours. The sound of something thrusting in and out of your wet entrance also punctuated through the room. Kylo’s hands flew to your knees, spreading your legs and holding you at an angle that better allowed him to buck into you. You started to bounce in his lap, riding him and the saber until his hands seized your hips and stilled you. He released a hissing groan as he came inside of you. Your eyes widened at the foreign sensation.

A whimper left you as he withdrew the lightsaber and pulled out of you. The Knight pressed you against the mattress then stood. You rolled onto your side and watched him with more than a little confusion as he readjusted himself. You still had to cum another time before this heat would leave you. When he replaced the helmet on his head, your heart sank.

“I—“ A knock on your door. You felt a chill run through you, goosebumps pimpling along your flesh as you grabbed at your blanket and clumsily wrapped it around yourself. All the while you could hear the override code being punched in. Kylo Ren did not move from his position, and you wished he would. Especially when you looked over your shoulder as the door opened and found that it was the Commander.

Your father froze mid-step into your quarters. His eyes shot from you to Kylo Ren and back. You did not doubt that he could tell you were naked underneath the blanket. Knew that he could see your juices slicking the lightsaber that was on Kylo Ren’s hips.

“I… Explain!” You flinched, knowing the command was directed at you due to the fact that Kylo Ren did not have to answer to—well, pretty much anyone aboard the vessel.

Despite this fact, it was the robed man who spoke. “Would you prefer to see her executed?” Commander (L/n)’s eyes darted to the Force user. Kylo Ren strode forward with an air of both superiority and uncaring. “Drugging a superior is high treason. Not even _you_ could prevent her death.” That being said, he walked out of the room.

You felt tears pricking your eyes. “I… I’m so…sorry… I didn’t…” Your head was spinning. _This_ was your punishment, you realized. Had all his words regarding wanting to see you woo him been false?

“You…drugged one of your superiors?” your father hissed. Then he seemed to remember your current state. “You should consider yourself lucky!” He spoke as he turned to face the door, which was still wide open. “If this was anywhere on your record… How could you be so reckless?” He was speaking as your father, not your superior. You knew this by the tone of his voice, just a little softer than he would have used if he had been reprimanding you as your Commander.

“I’m sorry…”

“I’ll see to it that you’re transferred.”

“What? Why?”

“You would prefer to be his personal whore?” You flinched at the words, at the way your mind immediately went to: yes.

“If… If you use your influence… I don’t think…”

“That’s just the problem!” Without a word further, he left your room, no doubt unable to remain with you in your current state any longer.

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.

The shower you had taken to clean yourself had taken care of the last orgasm needed to use up the drug in your system. Once more were you feeling in control of your body…yet not of your life. Your father would hardly look at you even though you were in proper uniform. It hurt to walk, which drew attention from others. Lieutenant Mitaka staring at you only brought you shame. You averted your attention from him, your eyes low to the ground.

Kylo Ren strode onto the bridge. General Hux glanced his way then turned back to Petty Officer Thanisson. The Knight approached your father, that cruel metal helmet turning onto Commander (L/n). “Your request for transfer has been denied.” You could see your father’s jaw clench, knew that he was seething. Kylo Ren was essentially rubbing it in his face that he could do what—and whom—ever he wanted when he wanted.

“Officer (L/n) will be taking an absence of leave then,” Commander (L/n) said sternly. All around you people had quieted. There was a thick air in the room, as though everyone were waiting for things to blow. Two powers were colliding.

“Perhaps the leave should be permanent. Supreme Leader has no need of such officers.” There was no logical reason for you to take a leave of absence in other words. No family emergency. Kylo Ren seemed to enjoy these plays of power, which he normally did with General Hux.

Then your mind reeled. Perhaps _you_ were not the only individual being punished here. Your eyes wandered to Commander (L/n). There was an edge to him that you had never seen before. The jab regarding Supreme Leader was hardly necessary in your circumstance. Your father may have failed in a recent mission then. You were being used against him as punishment. It made you sick to your stomach, and you quietly left the bridge before you vomited.

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You could only stare dumbly at the crackers that were on your bedside table. Shaped like TIE fighters. It made no damn sense. He had gotten what he had wanted, hadn’t he? The door to your room opened and closed. Boots. “His arrival aboard was due to his failure,” Kylo Ren said, as though it were any comfort to you. You looked over your shoulder at him, glaring. “Careful. You won’t be forgiven for such insubordination again.” You grit your teeth and turned back to the crackers. “Supreme Leader found it useful…to know of a drug that causes such effects. Better to be drugged by _you_ than an enemy.”

“You could have… Why would you do that?”

“Allow you to be seen in such a state by the Commander?”

“By my _father_ ,” you snapped back. Then, shaking your head, you hastily added, “Commander Ren.”

“You’re his weakness. Sentiment… The alternative was for you to be executed before his eyes. Think of it as recompense for discovering the drug first.”

“So this wooing business is all bullshit for you?” You shook your head in frustration, seized the plate that held the crackers, and tossed it across the room. The crackers broke apart and the plate shattered.

“So. You are capable of true anger.” Those words were what he left you with. You sank onto your bed feeling more confused than anything. He had not answered your question one way or the other. His passive aggressiveness stung worse than the blows Keln had dealt you.

You curled into a ball in the middle of your mattress and sobbed.


	16. Human Being

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter Warning: Physical assault, some emotional turmoil, and somewhat violent/rough (though fully consensual) sex.

Human Being

Suffocating. Such a small piece amongst so many others. Life swirled around you. Boots pattering, stomping by your door. Never entering. You closed your eyes, all out of tears. Your cheeks were sticky, uncomfortable, and your eyes were raw from all the crying you had done. You continued to lie in the middle of your bed, listening. TIE fighters zooming past on various missions. Parts of the _Finalizer_ moving. Everything buzzing like a clock, tick-tick-ticking. You used all sounds to count the time that elapsed. After listening to life go on without you for what seemed like hours, you pushed yourself up.

It took you very little time to smooth out your uniform, to wipe away all traces that you had cried. You exited your quarters, and put on a mask of mindless obedience. It was so easy. All you had to do was remember your training. You were no one. Just a tool. Expendable. There to serve Supreme Leader and further the First Order’s missions. You sank into the chair before your workstation and set about to doing your work.

Lines of data. So much information. You edited things here and there. Composed reports. Your job could be done by anyone aboard the Star Destroyer. If you made a simple mistake, it could be remedied with ease.

Which meant that if your father had failed a mission that so displeased the Supreme Leader, it had been more than a simple failure. Something that would set back the First Order; something that may have strengthened the Resistance. All were trained to readily die for the First Order. It was likely your father would have willingly put his life on the line. Yet Supreme Leader Snoke wanted to _show_ him the extent of his failure. Allowing him to live to see the repercussions was not good enough. Kylo Ren had told you: _you_ were Commander (L/n)’s weakness. And so you had been used against him. Just a small piece. It did not matter if you broke—life would go on.

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Officer Keln intercepted you in one of the empty corridors as you headed back to your quarters at the end of the day. His hand shot out, snatching your upper arm before he whipped you against the wall. You banged against it with a light grunt. Your bottom lip split upon impact. You hardly cared. You turned, keeping your eyes open as a fist connected with your jaw. You stumbled to the side, however did not lose your footing. Keln’s next blow was a knee to your gut. You collapsed to your knees, your hands on the ground the next moment. You coughed up a minute amount of bile, which landed on the floor.

He was waiting to strike you again, waiting until you stood. Time would go on even if you did not rise immediately, and he would be there. Waiting. You rose, staring at him defiantly. Keln snarled, backhanding you. You did not move to defend yourself nor to strike back. It would be pointless. He would keep coming at you. It was better to allow him to beat you, to get out his rage. Because he seemed to be the only other officer aboard the vessel to feel his mortality as you did. To feel _anything_ other than what you were all told to feel. Pure, raw emotion.

His hand pressed against your throat, his fingers wrapping around your neck. You welcomed the pressure. It was something tangible. All the rage and frustration, all the hurt was melting away as your air supply was cut off. Officer Keln pushed more tightly against you. Squeezing so hard that your vision grayed and blurred at the edges. Red was popping each time you blinked.

It was when his touch relented that you felt true pain. An aching realization that you had been waiting to die. An excuse to escape—a curiosity to see if everything would continue normally without you there.

“Don’t just stand here taking it,” he hissed out, as though pleading with you to strike him. “You lived and he didn’t—and you don’t fucking care! It pisses me off! How could you not care? He died, and… You lived! You lived, and you just want to fucking die, but you—!” Keln’s fist met your face, and you tasted blood. “You selfish little bitch!”

He stormed away, and you found yourself missing the cruelty. Wanting it. Wishing it was there.

And you fell to your knees, your eyes widening as you stared blindly forward. You _wanted_ to be killed. To be broken. To be used, and only now were you afraid—of yourself. It would be so easy to throw yourself away so that you did not have to deal with your problems. To wait for the compactor to turn on, for your problems to end. Your life to end. The thrill you always achieved from going down the chute. And only now were you realizing why it was that such actions had you in psychological evaluation sessions.

Kylo Ren’s words ran through your mind. _So. You are capable of true anger._ Because all you had been doing was forcing giddiness. Or allowing depression to keep you in bed. Fake emotions nonstop, save for the occasional breakthrough of either of the extremes: pure sadness, or unfiltered joy. Nothing in-between. And Kylo Ren, digging through your mind. Always staring at you, watching. As though he did not know _what_ to do with you. Pressing your buttons to see—perhaps you never seemed real to him, and possibly he had loved that idea, the tenacity you displayed when you were burying your emotions away behind your mask of normalcy.

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“Commander (L/n),” you greeted when you had at last managed to pick yourself up off the floor and return to your quarters. Your father stood at your door. His eyes wandered about your current state, about the bruises that were forming on your flesh and the dried blood. “May I speak with you candidly, Sir?”

“(Y/n)…” You blinked at the sound of your name. The commander sighed heavily, punched in the code to your room, and entered. You followed along behind him. It was when the door closed again that he spoke. “Yes. You may.”

“My sexual activities with Commander Ren were occurring long before I attempted to drug him. From before the previous time you were aboard the _Finalizer_.” His shoulders slumped, though not with relief. It was a sort of defeat. You directed your eyes towards a wall so that you did not have to see your father in such a state. “What was your failure? What could cause Supreme Leader to… If it wasn’t for Commander Ren’s…pleasure… I would have been executed for your mistake. Or for mine. But mainly it’s yours.”

“My failure resulted in the First Order needing to dispose of an asset.” Likely one of the New Republic politicians who financially supported the First Order behind the scenes. “It also compromised the position of a location we wished to secure—our ships were destroyed. We can only hope that the news of the true intentions is not leaked to the New Republic, nor to the Resistance.

“I… I had believed that my coming here would be for my own execution. Not to watch… It’s not out of mercy that you haven’t been killed.”

_It’s because living is so much more painful… Didn’t he tell me that one time? Is it true for him as well?_

“Don’t worry about me, Sir.”

“I’m your father!” he yelled at you, and you jumped, your eyes flying to him. “I was proud when you joined the First Order, but… Now I wish you never would have! You… I should have allowed you to be honorably discharged. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” You were nonchalant. Numb again. Recognizing it within yourself, you felt a little sick.

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It was past midnight, that much you knew. You could not sleep, and so you had found yourself leaving your room in favor of sitting outside the door to Commander Ren’s quarters. You leaned the back of your head against the edge of the doorframe. Your knees were drawn up and your arms wrapped around them. Your presence seemed to eventually rouse the Force user. The door opened though no one was on the other side. You took this as permission enough to enter. His back was turned to the door. You walked over to the edge of the bed then dropped to your knees so that you could pull out the mat.

Every one of your movements were robotic as you set up the temporary bed for yourself. Your jaw was sore. Your nose. Your lips. Your stomach. Everywhere that had been struck by Officer Keln ached, yet those were all drowned out by the emotional pain that was rising to the surface. As you sat upon the mat, you looked towards the bed. Kylo Ren was watching you as always, his face holding an expression you couldn’t decipher.

“You knew, didn’t you?”

“I told you that it was only physical—for you, with me.” Just sex. Painful sex, humiliating. Welcome the pain, make you feel something to kill the numbness you had been thrown into. It was why you had liked it when Lieutenant Mitaka had cum on your face. Humiliation, something that made you feel alive. Get the endorphins kicking in. Get the adrenaline pumping through you. Anything for a thrill.

“Do you feel alone?” you asked him. “So above everyone. You can do anything you want. Everyone is expendable—except for you. Do you feel alone when it’s just you?”

Kylo Ren slipped one leg then the other out from underneath the covers. He placed his bare feet upon the ground, twisting his torso upwards as he rose. He was wearing nothing save for pants. Black material that nearly blended in with the darkness of the room. You pushed yourself up to your feet, rising in time so that the tips of your toes met his. You stared up at him, and he down at you. Ren grabbed your wrist and placed your hand on his naked chest. Your lips parted at the contact. He leaned forward, his nose running along yours.

“No.” You closed your eyes, tilted your head back, and stood there touching him. He raised his other hand, cupping your neck similarly to how Officer Keln had. He shoved you against the wall, his mouth slamming down upon yours, firm, demanding. His tongue in your mouth, his hand cutting off your air, relenting, pressing tightly again in undulations. He broke away. “Everyone bends to my will—why should I feel alone?” His lips ghosting atop yours, down. A nip on your chin. Hot breath and his lips tracing down as he lowered himself to his knees. He yanked down your bottoms, pants and underwear alike. His arms slipping around your inner thighs, tugging you forward so that he was able to engulf you entirely with his mouth. Your hands flew to his hair, fingers entangling themselves.

Kylo Ren stood, his tongue trailing along your flesh the entire time then delving into your mouth. His hand was once more on your throat, shoving you against the wall. Its twin opened the front of his pants then held your leg aside as he ground against you. You moaned into the kiss, tilting your head to the side as you worked your lips against his. He shoved himself inside of you, and your eyes snapped open. He was watching you the entire time, the way you were submitting to his will. Another snap of his hips. You panted when he pulled back from the kiss. Saliva connected your mouth with his until your tongue ran along your swollen lip, which was bleeding from where Keln had split it.

You wrapped your arms around the back of his neck, pressing closer to him and thus increasing the pressure that was on your throat. Kylo’s eyes were traveling along every portion of your face. You knew he was taking in the damage.

“I always feel so alone—like I’m the only one that feels anything at all. Like there’s something _wrong_ with me.” You were whispering, even once Kylo removed his hand from your throat halfway through your admission. “And I want you to hurt me, because I want to feel something else.” Trailing your hands from his shoulders towards his neck as you uncrossed your arms. Then touching his shoulders again, running your fingertips down his arms before gripping his biceps to brace yourself as he bucked up into you. The black of his eyes had drowned out much of the brown. In the darkness, this was exaggerated.

The Force user tilted his head back, looking down his nose at you. His hips never stilled. You panted, rolling your hips to meet every one of his thrusts. Kylo touched your cheek, hooking his thumb so that it pressed against your busted lip. You grit your teeth, baring them as you snarled. The pain awakened in you the anger you had felt earlier. Your hands went for his throat, wrapping around it. He pressed against your touch, his mouth on yours, his hand dropping down to your neck. You both fought to add more pressure to the other’s windpipe. And then his hand left you. He pulled out of you simultaneous to moving to where he was able to seize the back of your neck and slam you down on the mat. His body enveloped yours from behind. His hands were on your hips, tugging you back against him.

You threw your head backwards in an attempt to hit his face with your skull, however he easily tilted his head to the side as he scooped you up and thrust back inside of you. You panted. One of his hands groped your breast then ran down the front of you, cupping your pussy as his other hand seized your neck. His teeth met your shoulder, and you cried out in a mixture of pain and pleasure. He did not draw blood, though you knew at least one layer of skin had been sacrificed.

Kylo Ren pulled out of you so that he could throw you onto your back. He held forward a hand, and your wrists were pinned on either side of your head with the Force. Not wasting a moment, his body descended upon yours. You wrapped your legs around his waist, tugging him closer as he fucked you deeply. One hand supported his weight while the other moved to the back of your neck so that he could pull you into a deep kiss. His tongue fought with yours, pushing it down into submission.

Your hands were freed from the Force, and you raked them down his back as you pressed against his hip with your leg and rolled the two of you over. You were atop him, riding him while wrapping one hand around him, choking him. His hand rose from the back of your head to your hair, yanking your head back so that you were forced to relinquish your hold on him.

It was wet on your face. At first you thought it was merely blood from your lip. Then you realized, at some point, you had started to cry again. In frustration, in anger—at the fact that you were _feeling_ something unclouded by any of the numbness you had put up to shield yourself from reality. You pounded your fists against his chest, growling out. He grunted underneath you then groaned, finding release within you. Your feet touched the legs of his pants, his hands bunching up your shirt as the two of you stared at one another in the darkness. Both of you were breathing heavily.

Kylo ran his tongue along his lips. Your eyelids descended halfway. Then you tilted your head to the side as you leaned forward, kissing him again. One of his arms wound around your waist while he again grabbed the back of your head, holding you in place as his mouth worked against yours—with yours. Your tongues met, even when you each pulled back for air, your tongues were the last part. First to meet before your lips. Wrapping around one another. You could feel power emanating from him, and he could feel your raw emotions pouring from you. It made you feel so vulnerable—so human, which was something you realized you had not felt like in some time.


	17. Cindy Liu

Cindy Liu

You felt as though a train had hit you—repeatedly. Your jaw throbbed with pain, and your lip stung. Not to mention your nose; you weren’t sure if it was blood or snot that was making it more difficult to breathe through it, and you were beginning to believe it was likely a mixture of the two. Your stomach wasn’t faring much better either. Your shoulder hardly bothered you, although you did remember that it had been bit. Then there was your throat. Not your neck—your throat itself, which stung and felt swollen as though you had caught some horrible disease. Your voice wasn’t working save for when you whispered. Even then it _hurt_ to make such an effort. You touched a hand to the cheek where Officer Keln had backhanded you, and you winced. It was a bit swollen as well. Likely bruised, you figured.

With some effort, you rolled onto your side and got to your feet so that you could use the bathroom. You found that your bladder was not too happy with your activities of the previous night. It burned when you emptied it, and you bit back a string of swears, opting to hiss instead. After you rose from the toilet and flushed it, you moved to the sink and started to wash your hands. Kylo Ren took that moment to enter the refresher. You glanced at his reflection in the mirror. His back was streaked with your nail marks, his throat a shade darker than usual with your handprints.

You watched as he lowered his pants and started the shower. The fact that he trained his body as well as his mind was evident. You had never taken the time to appreciate this. The muscles in his arms alone spoke volumes. He could have killed you at any time if he so wanted; he did not need to call upon the Force to do so. Kylo Ren stepped into the spray, facing the showerhead and running his hands through his hair to wet it. You shifted your gaze away from him and took in your own reflection for the first time. You certainly looked the part of a train wreck. Though Kylo Ren had held your neck for a longer duration than Keln, there were two distinct handprints on your throat. Three if you counted the way Kylo had seemed to mark you in two separate locations. Keln’s hand was a little smaller than Ren’s. You touched the traces of his fingers, which were mostly blotted out by the imprint of the heels of the Force user’s hands.

“Come here.” You startled at the sound of his voice. Your gaze was drawn to his reflection for several seconds before at last you turned to meet the stare that refused to leave you. With a tentative first step, you walked over to the edge of the shower and there stood. He gestured towards the shirt you still wore, and you stripped out of the remainder of your clothing before slipping into the shower beside him. Kylo Ren took a step back to allow you more room. When you moved forward, the spray hit your bare flesh. You winced, feeling the warmth against your aching muscles. “You should be sent to reconditioning.”

“Why?” you managed to whisper, holding a hand against your sore throat and once more wincing at the pain.

“Ready to die for the First Order and _wanting_ to die are two very separate things.” He touched the tips of his fingers directly in front of your ear, his thumb running along the bruise on your cheek. Even the ghost-like touch caused it to throb. “I think you _would_ die—if I sent you to reconditioning, you would die.”

 _Probably,_ your mind agreed. The thought caused you to turn your back to him so that you were facing the spray. “I know you try to avoid it, but… Does sentiment _ever_ get to you? You always seem so infallible. Completely untouchable.”

“Do you believe I am otherwise?”

“I believe you’re _human_ ,” you whispered, feeling your throat tightening the more you spoke. You placed your fingers against it again and decided that you would treat yourself to some warm tea to soothe the pain.

Kylo Ren was quiet for several seconds, as though he was unsure how to respond. You could feel him staring at you, however refrained from turning around. “Most would say differently.”

“That you’re a monster?” you asked. A noise of affirmation. “I think people can be both. A single person can be both human and a monster. That’s what’s so scary about humanity.”

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Lieutenant Mitaka was seated beside you as you sat at your workstation. He alternated between frowning and scowling. Though he knew exactly who had given you the bruises on your face and neck, you had insisted that he _not_ fill out a complaint. You were already under scrutiny, your father as well. Adding another note to your file, even if you were not the one at fault, would be in poor taste at current. You lifted the cup of tea, took a sip, and let your eyes wander away from the console towards the lieutenant.

“If it ever happens again… I’ll report something then.”

“Why not now?” he asked then clenched his jaw. As though he wanted to say something more yet was holding back for your sake.

Your gaze shifted downwards then flitted back to his face. “Because I just stood there taking it. I wanted it.” His lips parted, and you could hear the sharp intake of breath that he took. “Sorry. I know it’s not what you want to hear. I… I didn’t even realize it until he said so.”

“Until who said so?”

“Don’t… Just this once, please?”

Lieutenant Mitaka shook his head, not pleased in the least over your reluctance to admit aloud that Officer Keln had assaulted you. The disappointment on his face at your admission regarding the fact that you had welcomed such an attack tugged at you. You wanted to cry for his sake—it hurt you more that your actions had such an influence on someone else than the fact that you had welcomed physical pain. You could take it when you were the one suffering; yet watching Mitaka’s bitter reactions stung.

“I made you lunch,” you offered in an attempt to cheer him. He sighed, looking at you as though you did not know how to prioritize things. And perhaps you didn’t. Still, you managed to smile a little. It was strange, not knowing yourself whether or not your grin was genuine. “Millicent was happy to see me when I was preparing General Hux’s quarters. It’s too bad I can’t have a cat of my own.”

“I can request a plant for you.”

“A plant?” You wrinkled your nose then winced at the wave of discomfort scrunching your features brought on. “I suppose so.”

“It may be therapeutic. You seem to be improving each day when it comes to handling your assignments. I don’t see why such a request would be denied.”

You leaned back in your chair and looked towards the ceiling with just your eyes. “Would it be frowned upon if I named the plant?” Dopheld released a noise that clearly stated he wasn’t sure one way or the other. “Do you think it could be a tooke-trap plant?” Lieutenant Mitaka eyed you warily. You shrugged. “It won’t be so weird if I name it then.”

“I… I will submit the request, (L/n).” You nodded and began to complete more of your work.

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Your father sat on the end of your bed, staring at the tooke-trap plant. He sighed heavily and shook his head. You did feel a little badly for him. It wasn’t every father that had to deal with a strange daughter. Commander (L/n) pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers and grunted out your name. You hummed in acknowledgment, however the man did not say anything further. You reached into a container you had been given along with the plant for one of the rodent-like creatures, which you then presented to the tooke-trap plant. You hadn’t yet picked out a name, although you had been sorting through a list of them.

As the plant ate the creature, you knelt on the floor with your arms overlapping one another against the bedside table. You placed your chin atop your limbs and stared, a small smile dancing on your face. You felt oddly peaceful—the lack of numbness was awkward, you had to admit, and yet not in a bad way at current.

“I’m sorry I disappointed you, dad,” you said without looking away from your plant.

You felt him kneel down behind you and wrap his arms around you. Closing your eyes, you leaned into his embrace. “You didn’t. I shouldn’t have spoken like that to you.”

“No, no…you really should have,” you said, turning and wrapping your arms around him as well. He held onto you more tightly. “I probably needed to hear it.”

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You did not know what to say when Kylo Ren entered your quarters close to when you were readying to climb into bed. You blinked at him, noticing that his visor was pointed in the direction of your new companion. “I’m thinking about calling him Chewie.”

“No!” You jumped with how loud he said the single syllable.

Holding your hands up in front of yourself, you muttered, “Okay, okay. I won’t… I’ll think of something else.”

You did not know why he was so opposed to the name Chewie, however you knew it would do no good to object or pry. Thus you did what you could to ignore his outburst. You changed out of your uniform into something more comfortable, not caring whether or not Kylo Ren was watching you. He had made his way closer to the plant. After a little of him staring at it, he turned away from your nameless companion and removed his helmet. He placed this on the bedside table beside the plant as he watched you.

“Have you given up already?” You blinked, looking at him with a confused expression. “On…you called it wooing me.”

“I think I’m doing a decent job if you’re here right now,” you said, shrugging. His expression did not change. Those eyes stayed on you the entire time as you moved about the room, putting away your things. “They’ll be adding another bed in here. I’m going to be bunking with another person starting tomorrow.”

“An officer?” You nodded. “Female, I presume.” Another nod on your part. He mirrored the action almost imperceptibly. His attention was drawn once more to your plant. “There’s a second head growing.” You blinked and moved closer to your plant. Your eyes widened. Huh, you thought; you would need _two_ names. “Up to four stalks can grow.”

“Hmm… I could name one Kylo and the other Ren… Then introduce them as Kylo Ren,” you said. He stared blankly at you. You sighed. “Well, _I_ think I’m funny.” His eyes traveled up and down your body. Your ego deflated a little. “What would _you_ name a plant?”

“I wouldn’t.”

“Pshh… One can be Nerf and the other Herder… Now I have my own Nerf-Herder.”

“You’re…serious…” he said in deadpan yet you could sense the disbelief. That was it. You had made up your mind.

“Yup. This is Nerf, the other is Herder.” You waggled your finger in front of the plant. “My little Nerf-Herder.” Kylo Ren could not stop staring at you as though _you_ were the one with two heads instead of your plant. “Well, you could have had a Plant of Ren, but you said no.”

“I said nothing.”

“Your look said everything.”

“Your cheek is swollen.” You, ready to make a comeback, were thrown off-guard by the change in subject. You shrugged, muttering out that it was feeling fine, which was a lie. “Did you take an anti-inflammatory?”

“Yes, Sir.” You pulled out the drawer to the bedside table and gestured within. Kylo Ren nodded. Your mind returned to the previous topic. “Huh… I guess it _would_ have been weird if I was saying how I needed to feed and water Kylo Ren.”

“Nerf-Herder is hardly any better.” You conceded to this point with a click of your tongue.

You pointed to the fully-grown stalk. “Darth.” To the one that was still growing. Kylo Ren’s eyes narrowed. “…I swear I’m not saying Vader. I’m bad at names, okay?”

Kylo pointed to the first. “Cindy.” Then to the second. “Liu.”

“You are…not very nice.”

“Except you like it.” You narrowed your eyes, your bottom lip pursing forward in a pout. You hated that he was right.


	18. Hurt

Hurt

One thing you were beginning to learn about Kylo Ren: he did not seem to know exactly _how_ to be nice in the basic sense. Apparently he was socially awkward, which led you to wonder about his childhood. The only reason you even knew the identities of his parents was due to the fact that your father had once let it slip. Otherwise a lot of the information you held about the Knight was not handed to someone of your level. The stormtroopers knew even less…about a lot of things, actually. Yet even they seemed more adept at social interactions that did not involve threatening or insulting others. All this you had discovered in a mere two days’ time.

Really, you thought, you should have realized these facts sooner. And, had you, you would have suggested Kylo Ren meeting you somewhere other than your living quarters seeing that he did not hesitate to intimidate your new roommate—Officer Kinja—with his presence as well as a few scathing comments.

Presently you lifted up your tooke-trap plant and started to carry it out of the room. Thankfully, Kylo Ren followed after you without shooting another word to Kinja, who looked close to tears. Which was terrible considering you were growing rather fond of her presence. Perhaps that was precisely _why_ he did not seem to be taking to her. You were beginning to entertain the possibility that the man was jealous you would be spending time with anyone other than him. After all, he wasn’t particularly fond of Mitaka…granted that had to do with more sexual situations, however… It was close enough.

Kylo Ren was walking with his hands in fists, which wasn’t anything new. The fact that he kept clenching and unclenching them, on the other hand, was different than usual. “Uhm… Commander?” He paused mid-step and you nearly crashed into him. Luckily, however, you managed to stop in time, which meant that your tooke-trap plant was not damaged. “Er…” Bringing up his current mood probably would be unwise. “I need to get some food for Liu Ren.”

He turned around, and you could feel his eyes boring into you from behind his mask. You ducked your head. After he had left your room, you had decided that _you_ wanted a Plant of Ren even if he didn’t. But you also liked the idea of Cindy Liu, and thus you had settled for a happy medium. Cindy Ren did not have as much an appeal as the other. Your father believed you were mispronouncing ‘Lauren’ and you did not see it fit to correct him whenever he misspoke your plant’s name.

“You named it…after me?”

“Part of it?” You could not tell what mood he was in from his voice. “I liked the idea.” He seemed at a loss. You stared at him, the Force user shifting minutely from time to time. Though it felt much longer, only thirty seconds elapsed before he turned and began walking. You went to follow him, however found your muscles tensing. It was only when he was out of sight—most likely in a room you could not enter—that you were freed. With a sigh, you decided to go ahead and get some food for your plant.

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Kinja made you feel girly sometimes. She would sit behind you and begin braiding your hair. This time, as she did so, your mind was on the Knight. It had been three days since you had seen him, and that wasn’t from lack of trying. The fact that he was avoiding you had you more than a little worried. Did he not want to be wooed after all? Or did he not know how to handle the aspects of relationships that had nothing to do with sex? Your eyes dropped from the wall to the blankets on your bed. Commander (L/n) would be departing the next day. You had started to enjoy his daily visits, which made your mood worsen further.

_Numbness would be better than this… Mitaka is still upset with me about not ratting out Keln…and I haven’t really seen Keln. Which is probably a good thing. I don’t know…_

“It’s nice that you don’t mind this,” Kinja said, drawing you out of your thoughts. “I have three sisters at home, and I would always do this for them… It’s awkward to not be able to anymore.”

“My mother used to do this sometimes…especially when I was going to go out with…” Your thoughts drifted towards your now-deceased former fiancé. Shaking your head, you found it best to _not_ think about him. It only made you angry, the fact that he had cheated on you like that. Then hurt, knowing your father had arranged for his death. “Well, it keeps my hair from tangling while I sleep. So it’s nice.”

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Socially awkward was right, you thought after you had attempted to chuck your pillow at a darkened shape hovering over your bed in the middle of the night. He had easily sidestepped the plush, which flopped to the floor uselessly. Your heart continued to race in your chest from him having startled you. You placed your hand over it, breathing slowly so gather your bearings. Kylo Ren remained in his position, watching you. In the darkness, you could see him tilt his head to the side.

“You scared me,” you whispered.

“I haven’t been avoiding you.” You furrowed your brow, not sure how you felt about that. “Supreme Leader required…” When his voice trailed off, you knew that he was not going to clarify what it was Snoke had wanted. He reached down and drew aside your covers so that he was able to drag you out of bed without any of your limbs tangling in the blankets. You stood wobbly before your stomach felt as though it were flipping. You had not expected to be scooped up into his arms, nor for him to carry you out of your quarters. Kinja was still sleeping; you could hear her light snores, which disappeared when the door closed.

You blinked multiple times as you attempted to grow accustomed to the lights in the hallways. Eventually you shielded your eyes with a hand and huffed out a sigh. Not once did you hear any footsteps other than Ren’s, which let you know that he was avoiding being seen.

You found it immensely strange—you knew that you had entered his living quarters by the smell alone. So…sterile. As though no one lived there. To you it seemed rather lonely. And, despite what he said, you again wondered if he ever _did_ feel alone. You lowered your hand from your eyes and were happy to find that the lighting was dim. Kylo Ren set you on his bed then moved away. You watched him as you shifted towards to the center of the bed. You sat with your legs tucked off to the side.

“You should be afraid of me…”

You blinked, not surprised by his words though you thought that part of you should be. “Sometimes I am,” you admitted truthfully. He paused in his steps and looked towards you. You wondered if he had refrained from removing his helmet due to his conflicted emotions. Because, though he did not say so aloud, you were under the impression that he _did not_ want you to fear him. “You’re Supreme Leader’s greatest enforcer… I get scared of you. And… I don’t appreciate what you… That you had my father see me like that?—I don’t like that at all.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Because Supreme Leader willed it so?”

“Yes.”

And try as you might, you could not hold it against him—not completely. Perhaps Snoke was the only constant he had had in his life…for how long? You shuddered to know; not because your views were different than Supreme Leader’s, but because you knew how cruel he could be. How uncaring. Your parents were people you had always cherished; you had always been close with your family, and you could hardly imagine a life where this was not so. The distant way Kylo Ren spoke of his parents—as though they were strangers to him; that slight longing in his voice he would probably deny.

“You’re a very confusing person, you know.” As way of response, he reached up and at last undid the latches of his helmet. He lifted the metal off of his head then set it down on his bedside table. You observed every one of his actions, paying close attention to his eyes. Those orbs lifted to you when he was no longer staring at the helmet. “I can’t even figure out what _I_ want or need.” He started to lower his gaze, however those eyes whipped back up to your face when you continued. “I don’t want you to leave me alone though.”

“You’re afraid…right now.”

“Terrified,” you admitted almost breathlessly. You swallowed thickly, drawing your limbs closer to your body as Kylo Ren moved onto the bed with you. “Part of me wants to be hurt just to feel things, but I have been feeling things when I’m not hurting, so I’m afraid… And you…sometimes you hurt me—emotionally, physically… That was very violent…the way we had sex. It’s the most I’ve felt in… I don’t know how long. But I don’t just want pain, I want something…intimate. Just to be held. Or to hold onto something, because I’m feeling really overwhelmed. My father is leaving, and…

“You don’t like Mitaka…” He opened his mouth to protest, so you adjusted your statement. “You’re indifferent about him on a personal level, but you don’t want _me_ near him…intimately. And then there’s Kinja. I enjoy her company, but you don’t… I feel like you’re isolating me from everyone.”

“I don’t need anyone.” As though he were arguing with both you and himself at the same time.

“That doesn’t mean you don’t _want_ …” You shook your head again and brushed at your eyes, which were beginning to feel moist. “It’s not a matter of needing sometimes. It’s…” Loving, you thought, but you wouldn’t say it. Not when he was giving you a look that appeared to hold such confusion and apprehension at the same time. “Maybe sometimes it’s just appreciating someone’s company.”

“Your bruises are nearly healed.” It was such a natural thing, for someone to change the topic to avoid thinking much on something. Yet you did not know how to respond when it was Kylo Ren doing such a thing. Especially when his expression became so _guarded_ , as though he had to defend himself against being hurt by _you_. Which was funny, given how things had proceeded up to this point. His eyes left your face. You could not tell exactly what he was staring at. “It’s foolish to allow yourself to be hurt like that.”

Was this guy _seriously_ lecturing you about such a topic?

“That’s…hypocritical….or, y’know, messed up. Coming from you.”

“It was always consensual.”

“I’m not entirely sure on that point.”

It was his turn to furrow his brow. “I never raped you.” So stern, as though there were no room for debate.

“The way you spoke to me…belittled me… I don’t exactly… I didn’t like that. Sometimes.”

He looked so _lost_. Neither of you knew how to respond, how to press onwards from there. You wrapped your arms around yourself and seized your bottom lip. Sawing into it with your teeth, you nearly winced when Kylo Ren rose from the bed and turned his back to you.

“That story…” You hummed in puzzlement. “Of the…nerfherder and the lonely maiden…” When he did not speak again, you made another noise to urge him on. Kylo Ren did not turn to look at you, to allow you to see his face, as he spoke. “Was that a metaphor?”

“A metaphor?”

“Hurting her over and over again…doing the impossible…just to destroy her…”

It hit you what he was asking. And for some reason you felt…sad all of a sudden. Because that was _not_ what you had meant by the story. It had simply been that: a story. That he would even think such a thing, that he would draw such parallels about himself, it made you _hurt_. Because suddenly he seemed more human.

“You usually… When I ask you to stop, you usually do.” You started to scoot across the bed, dangling both your legs over the edge for several seconds before placing your feet upon the ground. You took a single step forward and stood there behind him. Gathering up some courage, you hesitantly reached towards him with shaky hands. You placed those hands on his upper arms, holding onto him as you rested your forehead against his back. He tensed at your touch, yet did not pull away.

Normally he had so much rage and anger in him. You could always feel it pouring from him, and it made it to where you were hardly surprised when he would verbally abuse you or someone else. Right then you could not tell _what_ he was feeling. Which made everything seem surreal. The feel of him in your grasp was the only thing that let you know this was reality.

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You were gasping underneath him. You did not know how long the two of you had stood there like that, yet when at last he moved, Kylo Ren had turned and thrown you onto the bed before climbing atop you. He had rutted against you, his pupils wide and his hands everywhere. At some point the two of you had stripped. And he was allowing you to touch him freely, which was one of the reasons you were gasping. The other was the way his hand worked against you, the way he was using the Force to pinch your clit, to rub your ass, to stroke every portion of flesh he wasn’t currently touching.

It hurt when he held you, but that was only because it was a desperate grip. As though he thought you were going to drift away from him the moment he let go, which is why the pressure of the Force never once left you. You wrapped your arms around his neck as you slipped onto him, his cock inside of you. Kylo Ren bared his teeth as he hissed in pleasure and bucked his hips into yours.

It was not as violent as the previous time, yet it was in no way calm. Desperate. The two of you clutching at one another, neither of you closing your eyes when you could help it. Watching. As though waiting for the other to make a move in retreat. You wondering if he was about to hurt you emotionally—and then wondering if that’s what he was thinking _you_ would do to him.


	19. Afraid

Afraid

While Kinja made you feel girly, Kylo Ren was currently making you feel like a stuffed animal. He was asleep behind you, his arm wound tightly about your hip, tugging you closer every few seconds then that grip relenting. You wondered what he was dreaming about, yet did not feel inclined to wake him. His breath hit lightly against you, occasionally causing your hair to move. You set one of your hands against his arm, trailing it upwards until your hand was atop his. Kylo Ren pressed closer to you. You waited, holding your breath and listening. He was still asleep.

It was the middle of the night, and you could not fall back asleep. You had dozed off a little here and there after the two of you had had sex. Yet then you had awoken and your mind would not shut off. This was partly due to the way you were being held. It was almost…normal. You hadn’t taken Ren to be a cuddler, and yet he was doing so right then. And then you were thinking about how sarcastic and verbally cruel he could be. Was it a defense mechanism? Did he truly not know how to interact with someone without being so, well, threatening? Now that you thought about it, it was not as though he socialized often with people outside of his role as their superior.

Also, as you had mentioned to him, whenever you had asked him to stop, he usually did. As though if it were brought to his attention that he was hurting you in any way, he would immediately switch course to prevent that from continuing.

Behind you, his breathing altered. He made a noise in his throat, turned onto his back, and so withdrew his arm from around you. You turned over to face him, your eyes immediately going to his face. Kylo stared up at the ceiling while he ran a hand along his forehead. “Weird dream?” you asked. You felt his gaze switch over to you. “Well, unlike _you_ , I can’t just look into your mind to see what you’re dreaming about. You were moving around a little. But you didn’t throw the stool across the room, so… That was good.”

Kylo Ren shifted his hand from his forehead to the side of your face. You remained perfectly still as he touched you. “You should sleep.”

“I was trying to…but my brain won’t shut off.” By way of response, he slipped an arm under your body and pulled you on top of him. Kylo Ren placed your head against his chest, your ear over his heart. You listened to its beating. That was all you needed to be lulled into a good sleep.

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Millicent was hacking up hairballs, which was why you were _still_ in General Hux’s quarters. Cleaning up after the cat, you sighed and felt sorry for the poor creature. When at last her stomach seemed to settle, she curled up and huffed out a sigh before closing her eyes. You petted her head, finished the last bit of straightening up, and then at last left the man’s quarters to return to your other duties. You made sure to see the man on your way in order to inform him of Millicent’s current condition. His frown deepened at the news. He nodded his thanks for being informed and then left. You knew he was going to check in on her, and possibly even have her looked at.

Liu Ren, meanwhile, was still in Kylo Ren’s room. The Knight had refused to allow you to take it back to your quarters for the time being, although he did ensure you that you could take it back eventually. You took this as an indication that he wanted you to visit him before retiring for the night.

Kinja and you worked side-by-side. She expressed surprise that you had not been in the room. Her questioning looks told you that she suspected you had gone somewhere with Kylo Ren. In fact, many of the other officers gave you glances that suggested they were privy to your interactions with the man. This was perhaps why said individual showed up at your workstation. That, or he didn’t give a damn what people thought anyway. Both were equally likely. Kinja lowered her eyes to the console in front of her. She was scowling, her dislike of the verbal abuse she had endured from the man apparent.

“Sir?” you said, turning to look at the masked man. He stared at you, saying nothing. You blinked a few times then slowly turned back to your work. You sat there doing what you were assigned, feeling Kylo’s gaze constantly on you.

Lieutenant Mitaka entered the area long enough to check up on one of the other officers, who apparently was having some minor difficulties with the system. This was quickly remedied. Before he left, Mitaka strode over to you. You smiled and greeted him. “Officer Keln is being reassigned. He will be departing in three days’ time.”

“Oh…uhm…okay.” You felt a strange tingling along your spine, a strange sensation as everything around you seemed suddenly surreal. How were you supposed to react? You stared blankly at Dopheld for several seconds. “Uh…so… He got reassigned?”

“Yes.” You jumped, the reply having come from the man behind you. Lieutenant Mitaka spared Kylo Ren a glance. You realized exactly who it was that had decided to push for Keln to be reassigned. You figured it was better than him killing Keln, but still…

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That strange sensation repeated itself when you were informed that you, along with General Hux, Kylo Ren, and a few of the other officers aboard the _Finalizer_ would be leaving for Starkiller Base. You were not entirely sure how long you would be staying there. General Hux wanted you reevaluated by a psych tech that had never experienced your behaviors. An outsider’s opinion, he stated. This was in part due to the fact that General Hux wished to give you a higher security clearance level. The work you had been completing was always improving.

You were disappointed that Lieutenant Mitaka would not be one of the officers coming with you. Your only relief came in the form that he offered to watch after Liu Ren—the elements of Starkiller would be the death of your tooke-trap plant. You wrapped your arms around Mitaka in a loose hug, careful to not be inappropriate. Things had been awkward since your father’s visit, since you had refused to turn Keln in. You hoped that Officer Keln’s reassignment would help to mend things between the two of you.

“Don’t throw yourself away,” Dopheld said, sending you a knowing look.

You smiled genuinely, softly. “I won’t. I promise I’ll be on…really good behavior.”

“I would hope for your best.”

“I don’t want to chance lying to you.” The lieutenant snorted out a laugh. He set Liu Ren on his bedside table. It was the first time you had ever been in his quarters, and he was keeping the door open. You were appreciative of this fact. “It was… You know, I don’t regret what…we did.”

“I…don’t either… Not exactly.”

“Things are sort of awkward though… Is it because of that?”

“No. I… I do not approve of you defending Officer Keln’s behavior. _Nothing_ justifies what he did.”

You lowered your gaze to the ground. “Maybe not. Probably not. But—I don’t know. He was being destructive outwardly, and I was being destructive inwardly. Both of us trying to figure out how to cope with what happened… It’s sick, I guess. But I felt sorry for him. And I didn’t think him getting into trouble would… Him being reassigned is fine. It’s not punishment necessarily… Maybe he can move on, even if only a little. I don’t think anything else would have been good. The attacks would have probably escalated…it’s probably why—it _was_ Commander Ren who put in for him to be reassigned, right?”

“Yes,” Mitaka said. You nodded, and the two of you stood there awkwardly for close to a minute before your superior cleared his throat. “You can tell me all about the cold when you return to the _Finalizer_.”

“Will do…I’ll see if I can find a way to bring you some snow. Maybe get a cooler to put some snowballs in…”

“Please don’t,” he said, shaking his head but smiling all the same.

.

.

.

There was something colder than the weather on Starkiller Base. It was the discovery that the rumors were true. Kylo Ren _did_ have his enemies’ ashes in his bedroom. You knew this only because you were standing in the doorway to his room after the Knight had ordered you to follow him. You shifted awkwardly from leg to leg, staring with wide eyes at those remains.

“Uhm…” You had thought that _you_ had issues. “Do…how do you get this place cleaned? Do the droids…wouldn’t they try to vacuum up the…that stuff?” You gestured towards his collection.

“Manual labor.” That mask pointed in your direction. Kylo Ren’s head was tilted to the side as he considered you. You knew he was watching you silently judging him. “Generally _I_ clean this place on my own. You will assist while we’re here…between doing other duties. General Hux wants your clearance—“

“Uhm….no vacuuming though?” Kylo Ren looked towards the ashes then back at you. You gestured towards it. “You’ll clean around there, right? I’ll do your bed.”

“Very well.” He stared at you for several seconds before uttering out. “You may sleep here if you wish.” You shot him a look of confusion. His mask seemed to dip momentarily, as though he were looking you up and down. Which made sense. You were wearing at least three sets of clothes and were _still_ shivering. Starkiller was fucking freezing, and you were not used to it.

“S-sure. Thanks.”

.

.

.

“So, are those the ashes of _everyone_ you’ve killed?” you asked from your position on his bed. You were now wearing four layers of clothing and were bundled under all his covers. Kylo Ren was standing near the collection of his enemies’ remains.

He had just removed his helmet as you were speaking to him. Those brown orbs traveled to you, an amused grin forming on his features. “There are some in the interrogation room as well.”

“Wow…” What a violent man, you thought. You then returned to envying him for the uniform he possessed. Many of the other officers and those of the First Order had weather appropriate uniforms to keep themselves properly insulated. Yours, however, had long since been lost, and though you had been assigned new ones, they had been unable to find one in your size immediately. Thus you had been promised that the following day you would receive a better uniform. In the meantime, you were freezing. “You should come to bed.”

Kylo Ren appeared further amused, as though your request was the most humorous thing he had heard in a while. All the same, he crossed the room, removed his boots, and slid under the blankets with you. You wrapped your arms around him, trying to steal all his body heat for yourself. You were thankful that Mitaka was taking care of Liu Ren; your poor tooke-trap plant would have already frozen to death.

“I have a spare shirt,” the Knight offered after ten minutes had elapsed and you had not relinquished your hold on him in the least. You were torn. A part of you knew the cloth would keep you warmer, yet it would mean he would get out from underneath the covers. You made a light whining noise in your throat over your indecision. Kylo Ren decided to take the initiative, choosing for you. He grabbed out the aforementioned article of clothing before returning to the bed. You released protests when his hands worked off the top three layers of your shirts, yet fell to huffing when he then worked the other cloth over you. You immediately felt as though you were wearing several layers of clothing, and your shivering slowly began to die down.

“…thank you,” you said. Kylo had since turned onto his side, his back facing you, and seemed to be attempting to fall asleep. You settled down as well and watched him. He was the most complex person you had ever known. Such a paradox in so many ways. “Uhm…can I hold you still?”

“Why?”

It bothered you that he would have to ask. You chewed on your bottom lip while staring at the back of his head. He was a stranger to certain emotional or intimate aspects about a relationship…yet wanted you to woo him. At the same time, you wondered if you would push him away if you pressed too hard. Especially after all he had told you in the garbage compactor. His thoughts about sentiment, spitting out the word as though it were poison. Compassion…

“Maybe just to know that you’re still here. Like an anchor—in a good way.”

Silence. That he did not respond did not surprise you. On the contrary, you hoped it meant that he was thinking about it; anything but dismissing your words completely. Releasing a deep breath, he rolled over so that he was facing you. His eyes bore into yours, and you soon found yourself lowering your gaze to his chest. Kylo did not touch you, nor did he turn away.

“Are you afraid to sleep?” At the sound of his voice, you once more raised your eyes to his. “Your dreams? Or that you’ll wake up alone?”

“Maybe both,” you admitted. Another pregnant pause between the pair of you. Then he wound his arm around your hip and tugged your body against his. You raised your hands to his chest, clutching the front of his shirt as you snuggled closer. “Thank you.” A puff of air, as though he was going to say something but then thought better of it. You closed your eyes and drifted to sleep.


	20. Truth

Truth

You woke up alone and cold despite the shirt Kylo Ren had leant you. Raising yourself into a sitting position, you realized that the man had already left. You took a moment to look around the room. While overall his quarters were much like the one aboard the _Finalizer_ , there were some differences. The collection of ashes for starters. You narrowed your eyes as you stared at said collection. Did he ever rub the remains all over his body, you wondered. People did strange things, had bizarre rituals, and the enigma that was Kylo Ren made it difficult for you to even know how to _feel_ about everything.

Thus it was with those uncertain feelings that you rose from bed, rinsed off in the refresher, and then redressed in the shirt that had been leant to you. You wrapped your arms around yourself before slinking out of Ren’s quarters with the purpose of picking up the new uniforms that had been promised to you. You were given eight such uniforms, and you carried them all back to the Knight’s quarters. You set them on the end of the bed, changed, and finally stood there with your mind in a blank. You had been told that you would be assigned duties in approximately two more days’ time. In the meanwhile, you did not know what to do with your time.

You eventually pulled on a second uniform so that you could go outside; while you had been assured that one would do for the harsh climate on Starkiller, you had your doubts since you were not acclimated. You went outdoors, happy that you had pulled on a hat and earmuffs as well as gloves. You went straight for the snow. Technically you were off-duty. You could do _anything_ you wanted. Building a snowman sounded just dandy to you.

You started to roll the snow into a ball, slowly but surely packing on more until you were forced to begin walking and pushing it in order to keep its shape spherical. When you began working on the next layer, you paused. For some reason you were struck by the thought that you had done this before. Though it was not constantly snowing on your home planet, it did snow from time to time. Your fiancé. Furrowing your brow, you flinched and shied away from that topic. Then stopped dead.

 _Laughing, you and your fiancé worked on the snowman the two of you had decided to create. You were on a short break from your training in the First Order. Your fiancé had apologized for having cheated on you, and you had taken time off from training to meet with him. It had been a month since he had broken the news, and you had come away from your disbelief and your anger. You were numb to it, and your laughter was forced. In the back of your mind, you knew you had to_ act _regular so as to not scare the man away._

_You were equally as numb, your expression neutral, when you had been holding him under the ice-cold water of the pond where there were no witnesses. Neither smiling nor crying when your father had arrived, yanking you away and staring down into the water at the corpse. “You were never here,” he said coldly. “We won’t speak of this. It was an accident.”_

_He had then made some calls, presumably contacting a General or the Supreme Leader. Two days later, however, it was someone much different who arrived. A mask on his face. The infamous Knight of Ren, who waved a hand before your face. “You never left the academy.”_

_“I never left the academy,” you repeated. A motion of his hand, and you blacked out._

You stood there in the snow on Starkiller Base. The ball you had been creating had started to fall apart, and you were hardly aware of this fact. Officers and troopers walked about, some of which spared you a glance. A number of them stopped walking when you lurched forward and vomited on the snow. Someone caught you as you began to collapse. You curled up in the arms that were around you, allowing the individual to carry you to medbay. Your head ached, which had much to do with the fact that you had somehow managed to break through the barrier that had been clouding your mind for, apparently, well over two years.

Your father had simply told you over the commlink while you were at the academy that your former fiancé had met with an accident. When you had asked him if he had anything to do with it, there had been a look on his face. You had interpreted this to mean that _he_ had somehow killed your fiancé. Never had you imagined that _you_ had been the one to murder the man you had loved.

It was how you coped with tragedy, with loss: numbness and destructive behavior. With it, you had killed your fiancé. And then, during the incident with the droid, you had sought methods to destroy yourself.

Did Kylo Ren remember you, you wondered. Was that why he had requested that you continue to prepare his quarters?

You squeezed your eyes closed, breathing through your nose as you were laid atop a bed in medbay. A droid came over and took your vitals before a human physician ventured closer. Words were exchanged above you, however you tuned everything out. You were too wrapped up in the realization that you had killed your fiancé to consider thinking of anything else. You were not even disgusted with yourself for doing so. Shocked. Surprise coursing through you. A part of you still loved him, yet you did not care that he was dead, that you had killed him.

 _What the hell is wrong with me?_ you wondered. _I should care. It should matter. But…his life was so…meaningless…and he fucked her, and why would he do that? It’s okay that he’s dead. No! It isn’t… Damn it!_

.

.

It was roughly one in the morning when you were at last discharged from medbay. You slunk back to the quarters you had slept in the previous night to find them empty. With a deep exhale, you picked up the uniforms you had left on the end of the bed and placed them instead in a corner. You walked up to the collection of ashes and stared at them. You remained there until you heard the door open. Boot steps echoed off the walls. When he spoke, his voice was modulated by his vocoder.

“You’ve remembered then.” You looked over your shoulder at him. That cold gaze of his visor greeted you. “I hadn’t realized it was your fiancé you had murdered…until your father told me on the _Finalizer_. Your father was not coddling you when he assured you only received certain assignments. It seems he was protecting you…keeping you from discovering your hidden talent.”

“Talent?” you bit out. “Killing someone without…without feeling _anything_ …that’s not a talent.”

“It is a useful tool. So long as you are not aiming to destroy yourself…sending you to reconditioning poses the possibility of such talents being eliminated.” He crossed the room, removing his outer robes and cowl. Left in only his armor and helmet, Kylo Ren once more turned to you. “You were brought to Starkiller with the hopes that your memory would return on its own.”

“You want me to…kill people?” You had been under the impression when you had joined the First Order that there would be circumstances in which you would be forced to kill someone. You had never considered that it would be your specialty. “I… I’ll just…prepare your quarters.” You faced away from him, your hands in front of you to reach for anything you could move. There was nothing, only air. “It’s a very bad idea.”

“Supreme Leader wills it.”

“Is this why you want me to woo you? To keep me near so that you can watch how things go with me?” A part of you was angry, yet another part was…indifferent. That was the part that scared you. “You wouldn’t need to do that to keep an eye on me.”

“No. I wouldn’t.”

“I killed someone who was supposed to be close to me. I didn’t feel—I don’t feel much about it.” You shrugged then gestured with your hand. “Why would Supreme Leader want someone like me?”

“You killed because you were betrayed. He did not adhere to the loyalty he had promised you when he proposed… You—“

“I still love him. Part of me still loves him.” A sound that was akin to a sigh escaped through his helmet. Kylo Ren reached up and removed his helmet, setting the object in the ashes. “That’s bad for it. Dust—ash will get into the circuits and—“

“Are you avoiding the topic?”

“I wish I had someone else to talk to about it…” Your mind wandered to Lieutenant Mitaka. He was oblivious to this side of you, and yet you were under the impression that he would be able to listen more objectively to you. He knew you, could talk to you reasonably about everything. Shaking your head, you focused on Ren’s face. His eyes were running along your features. Patience; he was not pressing you. “Well…I just… Wait. My father knows about this, doesn’t he?”

“He does not approve, however his opinion is of no consequence.” He furrowed his brow. “You’re wearing two uniforms.”

You blinked twice then started to strip out of the first layer. While you did so, Kylo sat down on the edge of his bed. His forearms rested on his knees. You slipped down into a cross-legged position on the floor. “I don’t remember _wanting_ to kill him. I remember not wanting to scare him away. I hadn’t decided exactly what I wanted to do. Then we were walking by the pond…there was ice. Because of my training, I knew he would have a hard time pulling me in…so I did it.”

“You were not scared…yet your father was. He was hoping that you would be discharged before your training was complete, however your actions interested Supreme Leader.” You felt a chill run up your spine. The hairs on the back of your neck stood on end. Your eyes were wide as you started to shake your head. “Those killed had the lowest test scores. They had pledged to die for the cause of the First Order.”

“So…so they died because of _me_ … That wasn’t even a _malfunction_ that was… It had designated targets…” You felt sick to your stomach once more. In a matter of seconds you were dry heaving.

“Are you disgusted with yourself, or are you simply reacting in the way you _think_ you should?”

Both, your mind rang out. You shook your head, threading your hands into your hair.

“Be quiet.”

He sighed, stood from the bed, and walked past you. “I will have animal crackers brought. The wine will be for me… You may have water or juice. Do you have a preference?”

“I’m apparently a sociopath who killed her fiancé, and you’re asking if I want water or juice!?” you shrieked.

“Water should be sufficient. The sugar in juice may worsen your current state of growing hysteria.” You made a noise that was a cross between a hiss of frustration and a groan. “There won’t be frosted animal crackers this time for you.”

Because _that_ was what you were worried about.


	21. Logical

Logical

The incident with the droid had occurred so that _your_ reaction could be observed; because you had felt poorly that your comrades had died, it had proven that you would be an asset to the First Order. Had you relished in their deaths, you would undoubtedly have been viewed as a detriment and thus either discharged or eliminated. You glowered at Kylo Ren and wondered how many of your superiors had known the exact details. Keln had suffered the loss of his brother, and now you learned that it _was_ your fault that he had died. General Hux undoubtedly knew. Did Mitaka? That thought made you sick to your stomach, a sense of betrayal flooding through you.

A droid entered Ren’s quarters with the bottle of water, wine, and animal crackers. Kylo had these items placed on the bedside table before the droid exited. As though nothing was out of the ordinary, the Force user opened the package of crackers and ate one. You bunched up the knees of your pants in your fists. You imagined your heart was racing, but when you consciously considered the rate of your heartbeats, you found that it was normal. Realizing _this_ , however, made it pick up its pace. Because then your brain was telling it that it _should_ be racing.

You pressed the heel of your hands against your forehead and rested your elbows on your thighs. “You aren’t a sociopath,” Kylo Ren said. You lifted your head without removing your hands. “Not strictly. Your psych evaluations were conducted to see exactly what you are… a borderline sociopath.”

“What does that mean?” you asked.

“You have borderline personality disorder and sociopathy. A sociopath is emotionally detached while a borderline person cannot control emotions—both have been displayed by you. In sociopathy, aggression is proactive, while in borderline it is reactive—in this case, you experience the latter the majority of the time; however, in the case of your fiancé it was the former. A sociopath lacks a conscience, whereas borderline is the opposite— you are the latter. A sociopath is able to understand him/herself, whereas a borderline person cannot—you can understand yourself.

“Kept in check, this is useful to the First Order. It is noted in your file that you are not to be sent to reconditioning. Strictly psych evaluations and/or visits to a psychologist. Your superiors are split on whether or not they know the reasoning behind this. The lieutenant does not know. However, given your more amiable nature when it comes to him, General Hux encouraged the relationship. Had it been known that you had developed sexual feelings for him, this would not have been the case.” Ren set a tauntaun and nerf-shaped cracker on either of your knees. “It poses a threat to his safety should he do anything to displease you.”

 _I’m a danger… Was I allowed to lie down in the middle of the floor all those times to prevent any outward aggression?_ You removed your hands from your forehead, pinching the crackers and lifting them in front of yourself.

“Other than shock, do you recall the actions you took after the droid malfunc…” He paused, shaking his head as a sardonic smirk crossed his features. “After the droid carried out its orders, do you remember what you started to do?”

“…clean the blood off of everything. No one noticed, and I thought it was because… I kept telling myself it was due to the shock, that I didn’t know what I was doing, but… I knew the blood held no importance to my superiors. It was a mess that needed to be cleaned, and the blood itself didn’t bother me. I felt strange, that I was still alive.”

“You’re willing to commit murder for the right reason, to clean up the mess. With the proper training you would be an asset to the First Order. It is clear that your coworkers don’t even suspect your true nature, not even Lieutenant Mitaka, who has spent quite a lot of time with you. That means our enemies wouldn’t either. Just a _low-ranking officer_. There is a reason we’ve been keeping you from your duties, from being put into a position that would encourage a promotion.”

You lifted a cracker to your lips, nibbling it. “I feel normal…sometimes.” It occurred you that you were sent to psych evaluations more than any of the other members of the First Order aboard the _Finalizer_. Your shoulders slumped. “This is…bad. I don’t know how I feel about this.” You could feel him watching you, and so you lifted your eyes so that you could peer up into his face. Kylo returned your gaze in full. “This isn’t what I signed up for.”

“It is what you’ll do.” You glowered at him, your lips pursing forward in a pout. “Now that you are aware of these plans, the next stage can begin. Supreme Leader wants to ensure proper physical training, as well as lessons in counter-forensics. I will assist with the first. The instructors for the latter are present on Starkiller. One will return with us to the _Finalizer_ when you are ready.”

“You… You’re here to make sure I’m kept on a leash, aren’t you?” you asked testily. Ren did not verbally respond. His eyes lowered then flicked back up to your face. “Once I start training…to make sure I _don’t_ start taking pleasure in killing anyone for no reason… To ensure I kill only for the sake of the First Order.”

“You are correct.”

“Is that why you’ve been asserting…what?…dominance?—over me? Treating me like trash, to make sure that I know _you’re_ above me. That you could kill me at any given moment should I cross a line?”

“It has kept you in your place thus far,” Kylo Ren said, stepping closer to you. You jerked your legs closer to your body. “You never feared me…and you should. Because once you begin your training, should you start to misbehave, _I_ will be the one to kill you.” You swallowed the saliva that had gathered in your mouth, the lump that had formed in your throat. He held up his hand, made a twisting motion with his wrist so that his palm was facing himself, and you found yourself yanked up to your feet. Your hands grasped at your throat, which felt as though it was being held in a tight grip. Kylo lessened the pressure by a minute amount and lifted his chin so that he was looking down his nose at you. “So long as you know your place, you won’t seek to disappoint the Supreme Leader.” The pressure left you entirely, and you gulped in a generous amount of air.

“Fuck… Did you have to do _that_?” you growled out.

“You should be more angry that I would,” he said simply. A look of confusion crossed his features then his facial muscles relaxed. Kylo tilted his head to the side, considering you for several seconds. “Logically, you know why I did it—you aren’t in an emotional state right now. You’re trying to detach yourself emotionally.”

You sighed, laid down on your side in the middle of his floor, and stared at him rather than the ceiling. “Do you want me to be emotional?”

“Your history shows that following episodes of detachment you fall into a depression. That would not aid in your progress.” As he spoke, Ren stepped closer to you, slowly, each step taken with a pause in between. “An emotional response would be more promising.”

“I was building a snowman and realized that _I_ killed my fiancé. Granted, he was a cheating scumbag, but…” You perked up suddenly. “I threw up when I realized it!” Kylo watched you, saying nothing until you rose to your feet. Then he uttered out only your name. You sobered a little, knowing that you vomiting had not been exactly _emotional_. You hadn’t cried in the least, hadn’t been quite horrified, but moreso surprised. “But…but you said I _can_ feel things so—“

You quieted instantly when he lifted a hand and cupped the side of your face. His leather-clad thumb stroked along your lips. “You do feel…for people and things that matter to you.” Kylo Ren removed his hand from you, turned, and poured himself a glass of wine. “You feel strongly for the First Order. Perhaps you should be happy…that you’re able to serve it so well.” He sipped the wine, meanwhile you started to strip out of your uniform. In only your bra and underwear, you found goosebumps forming on your flesh. You slipped under the covers of his bed, bundling under the blankets.

“I want Liu Ren…and Mitaka… My mom…my father… My father still loves me, and he knows about… How can someone love me?” You heard movement behind you, but you did not dare look over your shoulder at Kylo Ren. “I woke up alone this morning… I didn’t think I would.” The mattress dipped. A gloved hand was set in front of your face on the pillow. A wetness running along your ear; his tongue, which caused you to shudder. “I want frosted animal crackers.”

It struck you that your tone was passive as you mentioned this. You sighed, turned and curled against your superior. He had drawn his face away from you so that he could better watch you. “Not this time.”

“All that time…with Officer Keln…what if I had tried to kill him?”

“You would have been evaluated; he was an aggressor, thus your actions may have been warranted depending upon how you had committed yourself to such a task.” You hadn’t known what to expect. And the explanation was so logical, you did not find any fault in it. Should you have? Maybe, your brain supplied.


	22. Progress

Progress

You did not wake up alone, which caused you to experience more than a little confusion. Kylo Ren was lying behind you, his arm wrapped around the middle of your body, holding you against him in a loose embrace. You could tell he was awake. Though you could not see his eyes, you had the feeling that he was watching you as he was wont to do. It was comfortable, you realized, to be held like this by the man. Even though he had said he would kill you should you step out of line, you did not fear him entirely. Which, perhaps, was not what he desired. You turned around in his arms, rested your forehead against his chest, and squeezed your eyes closed.

“You need merely to respect my power,” he said, and you understood that he had been in your head listening to your thoughts. Respect his power, his position above you. Understand that he would obey Supreme Leader Snoke despite his wishes that you woo him. He was in much the same position you were in that respect. Answerable to someone of a greater power.

“Do I serve you above the First Order?” you asked, acknowledging that he was not technically a part of said organization. “Or is my allegiance to the First Order above your position as my superior, my…handler?”

“Handler.” He spoke the term with mild amusement, and when you raised your chin to see his face you found that he had a smirk on his features. “As always, my orders supercede those of the First Order.”

It had struck you in the middle of the night why he had taken such offense to being drugged by you. He had, in his curiosity and developing feelings towards you, let down his guard. He had been assigned to watching you, to molding you and ensuring you could function in the capacity Supreme Leader intended. You were someone who had killed her fiancé. Had you placed poison in his system rather than the drug you had selected, his health would have been compromised. It took a lot to truly anger you, to arouse a reaction beyond mild irritation. And so Snoke had decided to roll together the punishment your father was to receive along with that of yours. Tricking you into a position of humiliation, of your father seeing you in the state of having just been fucked by the Knight of Ren.

Following this realization, you had found yourself mulling over your decisions. Thinking whether or not you wished to pursue a relationship with the man in whose arms you were settled. It was comfortable. And, while he said such cruel things from time to time, you now understood it was because _he_ feared what you would do should you not be kept on a tight leash. Now that you knew what you were capable of, he seemed to be displaying a slightly higher level of respect. He was even being almost…tender. Yet never fully; you had already proven what you were capable of by administering the drug to him.

“Your lessons will begin today,” he said, withdrawing his arm from you. You shuddered at the cold when he pulled the blankets off of your body and his. Kylo Ren dressed, and you got off the bed to do so as well. “You will complete several courses in counter-forensics before I begin training you.”

When you were ready, the Knight of Ren escorted you to the room in which the instructor was already waiting. For two weeks did you learn from the man, and afterwards a female took his position for the next portion of the course. This lasted close to ten days. You felt as though you were being given too much information to be remembered, yet you never seemed to fail when you were given a test—written or hands-on. You had mixed feelings over the fact that you were educated on how to dispose of a body, how to leave little evidence of being in a place where you were assigned to commit murder. Yet Ren, pleased with your progress, rewarded you with frosted animal crackers and rather intense sessions of fucking.

You hadn’t even realized that your body could be trained through sexual means. You were becoming more toned with the new positions the two of you implemented, not to mention the fact that you could tolerate pain even more than previous. He had taken to nipping at you, leaving hickeys where your uniform would cover. Upon completing your third course and being told that the two of you could return to the _Finalizer_ , Kylo Ren did not protest when you started nibbling on his neck. That mark, too, would be covered. Still, it delighted you that he was becoming more lenient in certain respects.

You never woke up alone either. No doubt he had noticed that your mood had improved greatly when he had spent the entire night with you, when he had waited until you were awake before leaving. You understood that there would be occurrences when this could not be so, and yet Kylo Ren was not opposed to acting as such when events permitted it.

Of course, you were apprehensive to return to the Star Destroyer. While you wanted badly to see Dopheld Mitaka, you were afraid how he would react. He was of a rank that he would know what you had been training for while stationed at Starkiller. You were a bundle of nerves the entire ride aboard the Commander Shuttle. Practically vomiting when the shuttle arrived aboard the larger vessel. Kylo Ren, behind his mask, was watching you as always. When he chuckled you knew it was due to the fact that he was amused you were giving way to emotion instead of logic, something you now understood you usually did the opposite of.

.

.

.

You were ordered to share quarters with Kylo Ren, which did not exactly surprise you. He was still acting as your handler. The instructor in forensics who had arrived with you was on another part of the ship. Lieutenant Mitaka, meanwhile, had seen fit to deliver Liu Ren to you in person. Your face spread into a nervous grin at the sight of him. Dopheld relaxed at the sight of your mirth and inclined his head. “It was quite surprising.”

“How much of it do you know?” Your smile had not faded, though it had grown even more unsure.

“Everything that is written in your file,” he stated. Mitaka set the plant on the bedside table, the man visibly nervous over being in Kylo Ren’s quarters. “The bruise on your cheek—that’s from training?”

“Yeah.” You sighed, recalling the manner in which Kylo Ren had deflected your blow. You had then ducked at a strange angle to avoid being hit, which instead had placed your face in the way. The Knight had sworn and scolded you for being so reckless, so foolish. “It’s healing pretty quickly though.”

“That’s good,” he said before shifting his weight onto his other leg. “How are you feeling about all of this? I understand that you only recently became aware of your…diagnosis.”

“I’m…still getting used to it.”

“And…you’re being treated…” He cleared his throat, unable to continue.

You felt your heart melt at the way he cared about you. There arose an urge to bake him some brownies or make him a sandwich. You asked if he had eaten yet, and the man chuckled before stating that he had not. You motioned for your superior officer to follow you, which he did without protest. It was while you were making him a sandwich that you relayed all you had experienced since leaving the _Finalizer_. Needless to say, you left out the sexual content, although judging by the expression he took on, he had suspicions that your physical relationship with Kylo Ren had continued.

“You seem…comfortable with him,” Mitaka stated.

You nodded. “Now that I’m aware of…what I am? Anyway, now that I’m aware, it’s… It makes more sense, the way he treated me. He was testing my emotional limits, getting a feel for me so that he could properly act as my handler. The sex was… I don’t know. An added bonus?” His cheeks turned a little red, and you blushed in return. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” Lieutenant Mitaka said, taking the sandwich from you when you were done making it. You lifted the sandwich you had made for yourself and took a bite. “There is a mission I am set to go on…that you will be present for.”

“Acting in my…uh…new job?”

“Correct.”

“Will…will Kylo be there?” You shuddered at the thought of completing your first mission without your handler present. What if you went into too a dissociative state and harmed the lieutenant? You doubted it would happen, yet you feared the possibilities.

“He will be on-planet, but not present at the…meeting.”

“On planet?” Normally meetings occurred in a ship.

“The target is an arms dealer who has been discovered to be selling defective equipment to the First Order. He lives in neutral territory so interference should not occur. You will be disguised—it won’t due to have you recognized should we require your abilities in the future on that same planet.”

“But… _you’ll_ be there?”

“I don’t fear you… I don’t think you’ll harm me, (y/n). You’ve never had an inclination to do so in the past.” It was true, and his confidence in you helped you to at last relax. “I was selected for this mission to ensure your comfort, given that it is the first you will complete.”

“I appreciate you accepting the mission.” All your fears of him not looking at you the same, of him being disgusted by you, fully dispersed.

.

.

.

When you returned to the quarters you were sharing with Kylo Ren, you found the man with his helmet off and attention on Liu Ren. He was feeding the plant, which caused you to smile. “A mission already…I’m not even done with my lessons.”

“You are ready for the task,” he said dispassionately. “There is still another week to prepare.” You cautiously drew up to his side. Ren’s eyes moved to you. “Supreme Leader is pleased with your progress.”

“I’m more concerned about your impressions,” you said, feeling blood pooling into your cheeks in a hot blush. His lips quirked up into a confident smirk that had you suppressing a shudder. Rather than say anything, however, he simply stepped to the side. Your blush only deepened. On the pillow was a heart made up of frosted nerf-shaped crackers. “O-oh.”

It seemed he was quite pleased with your progress as well.


	23. Strange Comfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Mention of child death (not shown)

Strange Comfort

It had been quite some time since last you had found yourself lying in the middle of the floor while everyone moved around you. In another respect, this was much different than those previous occurrences. Kylo Ren was standing across the hall, his back against the wall and arms crossed over his chest while he watched you. Gauging your reaction to the mission you had completed. Your first assassination; it had been much different than what you had originally believed.

The man had been supplying faulty equipment—he should have died. You could have killed him easily without a second thought. He placed your comrades in harm’s way, after all. But no. The First Order wanted it known what it was to mess with them, to attempt so bold an indiscretion.

Disguised as a random technician, you had accompanied Lieutenant Mitaka on-planet. It was there that the pair of you temporarily split up; prior to leaving the _Finalizer_ , you had been told the full details of your mission. It was not the man himself that would be killed. No, death would be too quick. Too _merciful_. And General Hux was not merciful; those who refused to bow to the First Order, who attempted to disgrace it, would recognize their mistake. He had a family.

Getting into the household had been a simple task. You had been taught well how to break in without leaving evidence. How to _kill_ while making it appear to be of natural causes that the individual had perished. It was not as though these facts bothered you either. You just hadn’t expected there to be children.

“He knows why they died, and that is all that matters,” Kylo Ren said, interrupting your trip down memory lane. The deaths could not be publicly attributed to the First Order in a manner that would cause the Resistance to come to their aid; because, if it was revealed _why_ the First Order had made things appear accidental and natural, it would also be revealed that the man was a supplier for the First Order. He would be killed as well. No mercy. No way to get revenge for the death of his family.

“I hadn’t run through a simulation where I had to kill a child, sir,” you said, running a hand along your forehead. You considered his masked face for half a beat then turned back to the ceiling. You felt like shit in some respects. Like trash. Who the hell killed children like that?

“Due to him purposely supplying faulty equipment, at least twelve dozen deaths and injuries can be attributed to him.” So many comrades. So many people dying for nothing; they would willingly die in battle. But to be given faulty equipment like that? When they were risking their lives to better the galaxy for the man who had supplied them with the very instrument of their downfall?

“But I don’t see why I couldn’t just kill _him_ ,” you said. You felt numb when you spoke of the man. Indifferent when you remembered the way you had murdered his wife. But sick to your stomach at the memories of killing those two children. Younglings. One of them hardly—

“Are you falling into a depressive state?”

“I think so, sir.” Part of your training revolved around you being able to identify certain things with yourself. Triggers. The on-stirrings of depression. But what confused you was the way you were trained to avoid compromising yourself.

You could be allowed to fall into a minor depressive state. Lying down in a corridor. Throwing yourself away was out of the question; that was a bit too far, General Hux had stated simultaneous to giving you a tooke to feed to Liu Ren. There were other methods to get through your depression. Rigorous training; things to release adrenaline or endorphins. You did not feel like eating, although chocolate would supposedly better your mood.

And it felt _wrong_. You should feel so fucking _disgusted_ with yourself—but somehow you didn’t. Your eyes slid to Kylo Ren. It was so wrong. You had murdered innocents, and here you wanted to ride his dick for comfort.

“Can you punch me in the face, please?”

“You believe that will make you feel better?” There was skepticism in his modulated voice.

You sighed heavily. “No, not really. But I think I _deserve_ it.”

During the entire ride back to the _Finalizer_ , you had held tightly onto Lieutenant Mitaka’s hand. He had known the details of your mission, yet he did not look at you any differently. It was a difficult task. _Someone_ had to do it. To show everyone associated with the First Order that it was _not_ acceptable to do anything so underhanded. It was worse than being a Resistance sympathizer. At least they had loyalties, albeit to the wrong side. But for someone who claimed to be either neutral or for the First Order to put lives at risk?

You opened your eyes as wide as they would go, knowing that if you closed them, you would see the faces of those children. “I’m okay… This is fine.”

“Would you like me to throw you in the garbage chute?”

“Oh, fuck, yes, sir.”

.

.

.

Of course, you had not realized he would follow after you down the chute. That he would tug down your pants and underwear before undoing the front of his robes. That Kylo Ren would pin you against the filthy wall while rocking his hips into yours. You swallowed thickly, tears prickling the corners of your eyes as his length brushed against your clit. You were so shaken by the horrors of what you had done, you wanted him to fuck you senseless. Fuck you so hard that you could think of nothing else.

His hand, the one that was not gripping you bruisingly at the hip, found your throat. He pushed hard, cutting off your air supply. You welcomed the pain, your lips parting further. You flicked your tongue past your lips, tasting the air, which was rotten. That was quite how you felt—and then you didn’t feel that way. You felt a burning pressure in your lungs, as though you had been punched in the stomach. The powerful wave of the Force left you the next instant, replaced by an almost tenderness as Kylo lowered the hand from your neck and instead slid his arm around your body. He tucked his masked face against your collarbone; the man moved you onto his cock.

“Nnn… Fuck!” You clawed at his back, bunching his robes and slamming your forehead against his shoulder.

Controlled self-destructive behavior; the only kind that would be allowed to you.

Kylo Ren set an almost ruthless pace as he pounded into you. You released light hisses, gagging when he reached up and shoved three fingers into your mouth, towards the back of your throat. You choked around them. It was when the urge to vomit started to arise that he withdrew those digits. You shuddered against the grimy wall as Kylo Ren set his saliva-slickened fingers against your clit, tracing circles against you.

“Even the lieutenant knows you did your job well.”

“No, no, no—I need you to hurt me. Just…just hurt me!”

“Why?” He tilted his head to the side, his visor directly in front of your face. “So that you can attribute completing your job with pain? Should not you be praised?” You opened your mouth then closed it, at a loss for words. A leather-clad hand stroked the side of your face. “You want me to fuck you? You want my cock?” You chanting a mantra of _yes, yes, yes_. “Then do your job. Just like today.” He groaned, changing the angle at which he was fucking you so that he was hitting your g-spot. You mewled, your toes curling in your shoes. “Be a good girl.”

“Fuck, this is how to woo you?” you asked, your eyelids fluttering repeatedly as you grew closer to orgasm.

Kylo Ren chuckled. “No. You do that by telling stories.” You shuddered as you came around him. The Knight of Ren did not stop rolling his hips, did not stop thrusting into you until he found his release as well. “By making your animal crackers talk to one another.” Another chuckle, although this one sounded more breathless. You licked your lips then leaned forward, kissing the mouthpiece of his helmet. “You may speak with the lieutenant. He is worried about you.”

“Just a little bit longer in here…with you.” His hands remained on your hips. You relaxed against him.

.

.

.

“It isn’t always a simple thing to do; fulfilling each mission,” Lieutenant Mitaka said as the two of you stood by a console. He could not tear himself completely away from work at that moment in time, yet was still making it a point to converse with you. He had recalled tales of many soldiers having to make difficult decisions; to kill a child that could be holding a bomb. Different races were more apt to do so; Tuskan Raiders, for instance, were known to be ruthless from a young age. The children of the arms dealer could have turned out just fine, but they may have also been raised to act similarly.

Though you could not completely convince yourself of this, you felt more numb than in silent pain, knowing that you were not alone. “My father… The Commander has requested to board tomorrow. He wants to check up on me.”

“That’s a good thing,” Mitaka said, noticing your slight smile.

“Yeah… But he didn’t want me to do…any of this. It’s probably only going to be you and Kylo keeping me sane. Well, as sane as I can be?” You scrunched your nose, drawing a chuckle from the man. “General Hux is understanding. He didn’t even scold me about letting Commander Ren throw me away…just told me to go take a shower and make sure I was caught up on my shots. Is it weird that I find that comforting?”

“No…”

“…you think it’s weird, though… The, uh, other thing?”

“That you have an urge to have sex with Commander Ren as a method for comfort? Yes. It’s better than worrying that you’ll let yourself be killed or put yourself in harm’s way in another fashion.” Things between the two of you, in some respects, had not changed despite the sexual explorations of the past. If anything, it had only deepened your friendship with the man, who appeared quite understanding when it came to your condition.

“I should make you brownies.” He chuckled, his shoulders relaxing. It was a great comfort, indeed, that he worried about you. That he knew you enough to know to _be_ worried. You placed a hand on his arm. “I really should. If I try to make any for Kylo, he might tell me to throw them away.”

“Very well. If you are able to wait twenty minutes, I should be able to leave here. Brownies sound great. I heard chocolate releases endorphins at any rate.”

“Are you flirting with me?” you asked, blinking. His eyes bulged and his cheeks heated up. Dopheld Mitaka quickly shook his head. “It’s okay if you do, you know. So long as it’s only, at most, half-serious.”

“I appreciate your humor, (L/n).” You smiled to yourself, his words of praise helping all the more to cheer you up.


	24. Sufficient

Sufficient

Commander (L/n) had boarded the _Finalizer_ more than two hours ago, and yet you had not seen him. You assumed he was speaking with General Hux, as you had not caught sight of the redhead in quite some time. You only hoped that your father was coping well with the assignment you had been handed, the one you had completed despite your reservations. Kylo Ren and Lieutenant Mitaka had both assisted in lifting your mood, and you had made the brownies for the latter. The former, however, had decided that he did want some, much to your surprise. Dopheld had not uttered a single syllable of protest when the Knight had grabbed two of the brownies and walked away with them. In fact, the lieutenant hadn’t uttered a single syllable period. You had smiled at him, ensuring he was not unnerved so badly that he would be paranoid for any reason. After all, Kylo Ren had made it clear that he did not approve of anything that could be construed as sexual or longing between you and Mitaka. The officer had assured you he was fine, simply caught off guard that Kylo Ren had wanted a brownie after all he had heard from you in regards to his habit of having you throw away sweets.

“It was weird,” you had remarked, scratching your chin and looking towards the doorway through which Kylo Ren had exited not long ago. “But…it definitely makes me feel good. I mean, learning what he likes and doesn’t like… He isn’t exactly straight forward about it. And, heck, I thought he hated chocolate but he says he doesn’t, and… Men are confusing.”

“Women are equally confusing,” Lieutenant Mitaka countered with a small smile. You chuckled, conceding this point. “Ah! I nearly forgot; Commander (L/n) will likely seek you out in the following two hours. There were some things needed to be discussed before he was permitted to do so.”

“Because…of him, uhm, not wanting me to hold my current position?”

“Among a few other things you are not at clearance to know.” You nodded, thankful that the man was being as forthcoming as he could with you. “How long until you meet with your instructor?” You were taking more lessons on counter-forensics, this time to include sifting through datalogs without leaving evidence of doing so. Some of your missions, you had learned, would be things other than assassinations.

“I have maybe twenty minutes. The Commander will most likely meet with me afterwards. I doubt he’ll be allowed to interfere with my lessons.” Mitaka nodded in agreement with your sentiments. You sighed, began to clean up the dishes you had dirtied by making the brownies, and conversed with your superior for a little longer before you at last had to dismiss yourself.

.

.

.

You led your father back to your quarters when he met up with you after your lesson. He was rigid as always—which changed the moment the two of you were alone. Commander (L/n)’s shoulders slumped and he released a heavy sigh. The two of you watched one another without saying anything. You had always wanted to make him proud. And here you were, proving that you were of value to the First Order.

“You’re in a relationship with him,” your father said, his tone displaying both confusion and displeasure. Apparently it was not solely your position that was upsetting to him.

“With…with Commander Ren?” you asked, blinking. Your father dipped his chin in a brief nod. “He keeps me grounded. We’re still…learning about one another. What we like. What we don’t… He knows how to cheer me up, and he does it…even when it’s just letting me lay down. Stare at the ceiling…talking to me… He doesn’t make fun of me or look at me weird like others do.”

“Are you certain he isn’t using sex to manipulate you?”

Ah, your father _definitely_ wasn’t a Kylo Ren fan. Not that you could blame him, what with him having walked in on the aftermath of you having anal-sex with the man. You brushed back some of your hair. Killing people and making it look like the causes were natural—piece of cake. This? Talking to your father about the fact that you were in a sort of relationship with Kylo Ren was…difficult. You chewed on your bottom lip and tried to think of a way to change the subject without being too obvious.

“I don’t think so,” you said when you found that you could not think of a single thing. “He wouldn’t need to.”

“I do not mean to ensure your obedience to the First Order,” Commander (L/n) countered. Rather than meet his eye, you stared at your tooke trap plant. “We are all aware of your loyalties. However, he… You’re submissive to him.”

“I am aware that he is my handler, that he would kill me if it became necessary,” you said. You supposed it was a rather cruel thing, to be murdered by someone you trusted deeply if it came down to it. “Why don’t you—“

“A relationship with someone so…unstable…moody…as Kylo Ren… Given your…your… Given what you are, it would be… The chances of a relationship ending is…”

“I won’t have a psychotic break or anything. And I highly doubt Kylo Ren would cheat on me.”

“If he decides to end things, and instead finds another to his liking?” It felt like a punch to the gut, yet you knew he was asking with the best intentions. He did not want to see you hurt, and Kylo Ren was not someone you could handle as you had your previous fiancé. “It’s dangerous. You should consider whether the risk is one worth taking.”

“We had sex in the compactor, dad,” you said flatly. His cheeks grew red as you continued. “I think he’s a keeper.”

.

.

.

“A keeper?” Kylo Ren said, his head tilted to the side as he peered at you through the visor of his mask. Your face flushed. You were wearing one of the nicer outfits your father had purchased for you in the past; you had not worn it since Kylo Ren had drugged you that time. Sitting on the edge of the Knight’s bed, you squirmed a little under his scrutiny. “Ironic, when I’m always ready to throw you away.”

You narrowed your eyes, trying to discern if he was being funny or cruel. He reached up, undid the latches on his mask, and removed his helmet. His eyebrow was raised, as though asking why you were even questioning his motives. He was, if nothing else, sarcastic. You relaxed, a small smile making its way to your face. Kylo Ren set his helmet down before moving to stand so that his knees were touching yours. He reached up with a gloved hand to touch the side of your face, and you leaned into the caress.

“I didn’t know you liked brownies,” you commented.

“Sometimes.”

“Always the corner pieces?” Kylo Ren did not reply to your inquiry. He had already busied himself with the task of removing his outer robes. You watched as he kicked off his boots, slipped off his gloves, and at last lifted his shirt over his head. “Would you be sad if you had to kill me?”

“I would be disappointed.”

“That’s not the same as sad,” you said after a second. Your stomach felt as though it had done a flip at his words. Kylo Ren, removing his socks, paused. He then finished stripped down to his underwear and stared at you while doing so. “That just makes it seem like… You’d just be disappointed that I didn’t live up to Supreme Leader’s standards, his wishes. If… If it were more personal for you…it’d be sad.”

“You believe I wouldn’t be able to do it?”

“I think you could do it. That’s not what I’m saying at all. I just—“

“I would…miss…you,” he said, his volume growing lower with each word. You observed him for several seconds in silence after this. His Adam’s apple bobbed, and he could not quite meet your eye for a moment. Then he locked his gaze with yours. “I would not forgive your failure.”

There was an unspoken _hurt_ behind his words, as though he did not wish to think of such things. You hesitantly shifted closer to him, wrapping your arms around his torso and setting your forehead against his chest.

“He should not have brought up such things given your state following your mission’s completion.” Though he tried to sound so professional and emotionless, you could sense that he was genuinely bitter towards your father. “You’re wavering between a state of detachment and emotional vulnerability… Sensitive.” You lowered your eyes to the floor. “Tell a story.” Your attention returned to the man, who was watching you with unmasked interest. “It’s…relaxing.”

“Okay…uhm…what kind?”

“Whatever kind you prefer.”

“I… I don’t know… Could…could you tell me a story?” You felt strange, asking it. Kylo Ren’s lips parted and he inhaled a little noisily, as though deciding whether or not he would humor your request.

He leaned back on the bed, resting his head upon his pillow and propped up a single knee. He set his hand atop it, waited until you laid down next to him, and then slowly began to tell of a child who was feeling as though he were being watched at all times. A child with powers. A child who cared for his parents, yet felt a certain distance from them. As though their bond could have been deeper. You watched his face as he spoke, especially when you realized he was speaking of his own childhood. Just random bits here and there. There was no real plot, no set timeline. You listened with a vested interest, your eyes wide as you learned about the boy that had become the man beside whom you were lying.

His mother had given him a brownie once when he had been sad due to a minor injury. He could not remember if it had been a scraped knee or what. He simply remembered the brownie. It was rare that he would eat them, and it was always the corner pieces he wanted if they were baked in a square or rectangular pan.

“What is your favorite part?” he asked, trailing away from the tale.

You stared at his face, noting how relaxed he was. It was strange, realizing that the two of you could truly be yourselves with one another. Neither of you was perfect. It made it…right in a way; you found that you cared for him more than ever you had your fiancé.

Swallowing thickly and trying to steer your mind away from such thoughts, you said, “I like the corner pieces sometimes… But the very middle is also one of my favorite pieces.”

Kylo Ren drew an arm around you, pulling you closer to him. You rested a hand on his chest, snuggling and yawning. “You are being given regular tasks tomorrow.”

“To…make it appear as though my position hasn’t changed?” You sometimes forgot that your true role in the First Order would remain a secret kept from many of your comrades. Kylo Ren made a noise of affirmation. “Do you think… Do you think General Hux will still let me prepare his quarters? I like seeing Millicent.”

“I doubt he will have an issue with it.”

“My father will learn to accept you, you know.” A hum of confusion. “You…aren’t worried about that?”

“Your opinion is sufficient enough.” You blushed at his words. It was the most romantic unromantic thing he had said to you in regards to your relationship with him.

“I…I like you….a lot…” You said, glancing up at his face to see how he would react. He blinked then made a noise of acknowledgment. “I mean… I… I care for you….” His eyes dropped to your face. You swallowed, your heart racing speedily in your chest and blood pumping noisily in your ears. “I love you,” you said breathlessly. His lips parted and his eyes widened. Biting on your bottom lip, you gulped then quickly said, “You don’t have to say it back. I just wanted you to know… Uhm… Yeah.”

His body turned towards yours, his mouth covering yours in a brief kiss. Your lips were mere centimeters away when he broke the kiss. “Are you afraid?” You shuddered as his breath washed over you. “That I’ll reject you—are you afraid?”

“Not exactly,” you whispered. “I’m sort of afraid you’ll return my feelings.”

“You fear being hurt again…as he hurt you.” He—your ex-fiance, whom you had killed for betraying you. “I wouldn’t. I won’t.”

“If you do…return my feelings…please don’t say so. Not yet.”

Kylo Ren’s lips sought yours again, his tongue invading your mouth. And that was sufficient enough for you.


	25. Acting Skills

Acting Skills

It likely wasn’t what they had been expecting from you. Following your second mission, you were dressed in nothing more than a bikini. Stretched out in the sun, a book in hand. Kylo Ren was staring down at you, the man seemingly exasperated. Him you couldn’t blame; he had only recently finished a mission of his own, one that had taken him nine days to do, and he wanted to return to the _Finalizer_. Lieutenant Mitaka was fanning himself, unused to the heat, and asking if you were _sure_ you weren’t ready to head back. Fifteen more minutes was your response. To which General Hux, also present for more political reasons, scowled and narrowed his eyes at you. Him you couldn’t blame either; he was already sporting the beginnings of a sunburn. Commander (L/n), meanwhile, sat across from you on another lounge. He appeared to be simply pleased that you were doing something more _normal_ and, in a way, _girly_.

“It’s rather tempting to simply leave you behind,” General Hux shot out when another three minutes had elapsed. You blinked twice, raising your sunglasses and peering at your superior. “I well understand that this assists in lessening your depression, however… I am certain there are other methods to accomplish the same thing.”

His burn was worsening, and so you took sympathy on the man and slid your bookmark into your book. General Hux’s shoulders instantly relaxed. Lieutenant Mitaka’s face held an expression of hope. Commander (L/n) stood from his chair and stretched. Kylo Ren had noticed snow cones being sold.

“ _That’s_ what you like?” you asked incredulously, startling your current company. Ren tilted his head to the side, his attention shifting back to you. Your gaze flickered to the vendor. “Hmm…” General Hux, too, looked over at the snow cones. He released a similar hum.

Thus it was that the five of you returned to the shuttle with snow cones in your hands. The redhead also had purchased a bottle of some ointment to help with his sunburn. It was no wonder he seemed to like Starkiller, you thought. While there was still sun to enjoy, it wasn’t nearly as harsh as on the planet you were currently leaving. You nibbled on the edge of your snow cone, your eyes on the man. The general returned your gaze, suspicion showing through his expression.

“If you start peeling…can I…?”

Your father groaned, muttering out your name. Lieutenant Mitaka pinched his eyes closed, obviously torn between amusement and slight disgust. General Hux quirked a brow, and Kylo Ren, his helmet removed, pressed his lips tightly together. You looked to your handler.

“It’s fun, it really is.”

“I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised,” your superior officer intoned, “ from one who plays in garbage.” You smiled, knowing it wasn’t _quite_ an insult, but more of an observation on Hux’s part. You eyed his snowcone, the flavoring of which made it pink. Your lips spread into a smile at the sight, which had the man scowling momentarily. He wasn’t embarrassed, not really. Yet you could tell he hoped you would not comment on it. When he was satisfied that you wouldn’t, the man brought up a different topic. “You were given a barely-passing score on your physical tests to throw off suspicion as to what your true occupation is. As such, you will be given extra exercises to remedy this.”

“Mm…such as, sir?”

“Aerobics, for one. Flexibility will aid in your missions.”

“The one you’re teaching?”

“What?”

“Will you be my aerobics instructor, sir?” He sighed. You felt a little deflated at the idea that he had planned otherwise, however perked up when he reluctantly agreed to allow you to train with him. Having your general’s respect in such a way was a huge honor, and it wasn’t something you took lightly. Your father, likewise, appeared pleased; he may have disagreed with your position in the First Order, however he wasn’t going to look a gift bantha in the mouth.

.

.

.

Kylo Ren chuckled when you failed to correctly follow General Hux’s instructions in your first class. Your cheeks were beyond hot, the others gathered looking your way in mocking. The things was, you were _purposely_ doing horribly. That had been the understanding, to make it look as though you were slowly getting better. Yet making the person in front of you stumble forward hadn’t quite been in the plan. You muttered out an apology and toned down your level of incompetence.

The redhead sighed, however did not say anything to reprimand you. He instead repeated the instructions, and this time you followed them a little less sloppily. You shared a look with your general, wherein you understood that he was pleased with your acting skills. Kylo Ren straightened, his visor still pointed in your direction as you went through the remainder of the class with little mishap. At the end of it, everyone left until it was only you and Ren. You, sweat on your brow, flashed a grin in the man’s direction.

“I was told that in two weeks I will be allowed to visit home. My mother is excited.” He grunted, and you winced then apologized. Family was likely a touchy subject for him. Kylo, however, simply released a dismissive noise. “Uh…well, you’ve met my father, so… Did you meet my mother when you erased my memory?”

“Not exactly.”

“Are you available to meet her?” Kylo Ren pressed his feet closer together. His head turned a little to the left then right. At last he was looking straight at you again. “You…don’t want to meet my mother?”

“You expect…with parents…”

“It’s whatever _you’re_ comfortable with, sir.” You placed your hands together behind your back. “You can tell me about your grandfather… Not everything is going to be the same on both sides.”

“Very well.”

.

.

.

That night, following a shower, you were lying on your stomach in Kylo Ren’s bed. He was lining frosted animal crackers around you. You wiggled your toes, a strange sort of tingling traveling up and down your spine. He was not wearing his helmet. Yet, given your current position, you could not see his face. You felt his lips when he kissed the back of your neck. You took that to mean he had finished outlining you with the nerfs. Another kiss an inch lower. Down, a trail of kisses that soon grew wet when he slipped his tongue out of his mouth. His hands were at your thighs, hoisting you up so that your ass was in the air. His tongue thrust inside of you. You moaned.

“Mm…I want… Fuck.” Kylo Ren slowly eased himself past the outline of crackers, careful not to mess them up, and you eagerly undid the front of his pants when it was lined up with your face. He had you straddling his face, his mouth working you as you started to jerk him. “Nnn…yes.” You took him into your mouth, moaning again. Kylo Ren groaned, his tongue flicking your clit.

You came twice before he at last spilled into your mouth. You swallowed down all his cum, lifting his shaft clean. The two of you moved up, you curling against Ren’s chest as you sat there on the bed. You grabbed for the first cracker, nibbling on it. Kylo Ren picked one up as well.

“Your father left.”

“Mmhmm. I saw him off. He does seem to be accepting things more and more… He isn’t…still in trouble with the Supreme Leader, is he?”

“He has redeemed himself with his last few missions.” You smiled, leaning back your head so that you could look up in his face. “You aren’t depressed this time.” He trailed a hand through your hair. “You slipped pieces of candy onto the Command Shuttle for my mission.”

“Did you make everyone throw them away?”

“No. The crew ate them.”

“Did you eat any?” He hesitated, his Adam’s apple bobbing. Your face split into a wide grin. “The caramels, right?” Kylo Ren dipped his chin, nodding. “And did you watch the video?” A smirk on his face. You had recorded yourself stripping and masturbating with his lightsaber, which you had learned to clean properly. You had also told him another story. “I was so worried I would accidentally turn it on.” His chest shook with his silent laughter. You slipped your hand on top of his. “I don’t think I would be able to get through this without all of you. You. Lieutenant Mitaka. General Hux. My parents. Being near anyone else, I feel so crazy. I remember the way Keln used to look at me. His brother was killed…because of…me…” You squeezed your eyes closed at the memory. Kylo Ren’s fingers twitched, and then his hand was on top of yours instead.

Ren pressed his lips to the top of your head. You hiccupped then relaxed yourself a little. You knew he had done worse things for the sake of furthering the goals of the First Order and Supreme Leader. “I feel…such…sentiment…” And, rather than sounding disgusted, he sounded so…small. Your breath hitched. It was the closest to _I love you_ that he would utter. “So long as you are obedient—so long as there will be no distractions—Supreme Leader does not care.”

“You don’t hate it?” you asked, your voice cracking.

“No.” The two of you ate more of the crackers. “General Hux is peeling.”

“What?”

“You didn’t notice…” A snort. “The back of his neck…” He trailed off in order to catch you around the midsection when you attempted to vault off the bed. “It can wait.”

“But what if he peels it? That’ll be horrible!”

“What…is your mo…mother’s name?” You stopped struggling, scratched your head, and answered. He was stressing about something so normal that it made you feel better. You weren’t the only messed up one in this relationship—it was an actual relationship, you mentally screamed, giddily. “That’s going to be…weird.”

“It’ll be fine,” you said, cuddling even closer to him. He was practically scowling. “You can lurk around in my room if it’s too much. I’ll put chocolates on the pillow for you.” You noticed his expression, the way he wrinkled his nose. “Caramel-filled chocolates.” A grunt. His scowl slowly disappeared.


	26. Different

Different

Your mother welcomed you home with much enthusiasm, while with Kylo Ren she became more standoffish. You wondered briefly if your father had spoken to her about your handler. When you presented Liu Ren to your mother, she received your tooke trap plant with more warmth than she had Ren. You felt a little deflated at that. You were also unsurprised when this resulted in Kylo Ren slinking off to your bedroom. You set your plant in your room and watched the man, who had not yet taken off his helmet. He had sat on the edge of the bed. You moved towards him, however he stood and turned his back to you. Kylo walked over to the window, staring out it.

You flinched at his actions, which prompted him to dip his chin, as though looking at your reflection in the glass of the window. “This is your time to visit her.” Spoken so plainly. Detached. It hurt you on both an emotional and physical level. Your stomach felt as though it were twisting because you _recognized_ his altered actions and attitude. They were how you handled things that were disappointing, that were hurtful. You seized your bottom lip with your teeth, nodded slowly, and left the room; you knew he wanted to be alone at the moment.

You dragged your feet as you walked, throwing on a false sense of cheer when you entered the living room. Your mother smiled at you. “(Y/n),” she said with a certain level of fondness. You hummed, tilting your head to the side. “Is… Your father said that… With your…er…handler—“

“I’m in a relationship with him, yeah,” you said, cutting her off. Your mother sighed, an expression of dismay coming to her face. “What’s so wrong with it?”

Shaking her head, she began, “I don’t know him, (Y/n). It isn’t… It’s not him, although… There are things your father has told me. About…Kylo Ren. Certain, let’s call them personality quirks. He’s… You’re my daughter. I want what’s best for you. I _do_ want to see you happy—don’t give me that look.” You forced yourself to frown, to have a more neutral expression. “You were engaged to be married. Yes, we knew you would have your career in the First Order. Yet you were talking about having children, and…”

“This isn’t where I saw my life either, mom,” you murmured when she trailed off. Your mother nodded. “I… I was supposed to have…he said he wouldn’t mind staying home. Raising our child together. We had a name picked out…multiple names for more than one kid, and… We had a plan together. I thought things were going to be different, but they’re not… I am. I’m different. This is different. I never pictured myself here. And… You know… On a lot of levels… Kylo is the only one who understands me. The only person I feel I can relate to. I feel more like…a human…a _woman_. I get to pretend things are normal for a time with him.”

“I want you to be happy, (Y/n),” she said again.

You dropped onto one of the chairs in the living room. Blinking as you stared at your mother, you felt a mixture of numbness and _weight_ on you. As though your mind could not fully wrap around detachment nor could it entertain completely the sense of depression that was threatening to overwhelm you. You slouched in the chair. Neither of you spoke for a number of minutes, none of which you counted. Then you found yourself speaking again.

“I’m not going to be _that_ sort of happy. I’m…grieving. I guess? Mourning who I _thought_ I was, and coming to terms with who I really am. Trying to wrap my head around the fact that those plans I had, all those months of laughing with him and talking about our future…that’s not going to happen. Starting over…discovering myself…learning about Ren at the same time. I don’t feel so crazy with him. I don’t…it’s the closest to happy I get. I mean… It’s my new happy.”

“It’s a more…somber happy…than I’ve seen in you in the past,” she said softly, and you knew she was not criticizing. It dawned on you that she, too, was mourning the woman she had believed you to be. Trying to come to grips with the fact that your future was not going to be what you had for months and years told her. “I have my reservations about him, (Y/n)…but part of that is because I don’t want to see you hurt anymore. You could have brought _anyone_ home, and I would have felt this way.”

“But it’s worse with him—that’s how you act.”

“Because, with him… With him I am forced to face reality completely.” Your mouth opened a fraction though no words came out this time. “With someone else there would be jokes about grandchildren…about you or him staying with the children. Or me helping to raise them whenever the both of you were deployed should you both be in the First Order. With Kylo Ren… It is further proof that that _isn’t_ going to happen any time soon. If ever. As you said, you’re relearning about yourself. You’re discovering one another as well. Being trained to…” She swallowed, and you set your hands into your lap, staring down at them. “It’s not a _bad_ thing… _He_ isn’t a bad thing to happen to you. He simply makes me realize how _hurt_ you were. The fact that I was blind to it… I never suspected… You were always just _you_ —you still are, but…”

“But it’s different,” you whispered, and both you and your mother were nodding. “I… Maybe one day…”

“Even if you _never_ give me grandchildren, I will always be content with _you_.”

“I think he thinks you hate him.” The fact that your mother winced made you relax. “He likes snow cones.” She shook her head, although a small smile managed to worm its way onto her face.

.

.

.

When you entered your bedroom, Kylo Ren had once more found his way to your bed. Sitting there, this time his body angled to the window. Staring out it. You wondered if he often had time to appreciate nature. You knew he liked to view the stars, space in general. Yet he was on a planet. This time not for a mission either. Not for the First Order or Supreme Leader. His helmet had not been removed. You stepped closer to him, however paused when you were still a few feet away.

He lowered his chin, looking from the window down to the floor. “You feel like you’ve died.”

“Do you ever feel that way?” you asked in response, not exactly avoiding the statement but more unsure how else to respond.

Kylo Ren set his hands on either side of his helmet, unlatching it and pulling it off. He allowed the metal to drop to the floor with a thunk that had you worrying whether or not your mother would be startled at the sudden noise. Ren turned his face to you. His expression was one of conflicted emotions. Mild confusion, an amount of concern—for you.

“I feel…torn apart,” he said at last. “Not as though I have died.”

“Not even a small part of you?” The confusion far outweighed his concern at that point. “Maybe you thought things would be different. Did you ever picture it…a family with someone?”

“They… The senator and Solo spoke of grandchildren once…when I could overhear them.” He snorted. “They spoke of grandchildren yet they had little time for… He overheard them.” The change in pronoun, for you, wasn’t surprising. It was how he coped. Ben Solo was dead. Kylo Ren had killed him. “They were so busy with their own lives, oblivious to his needs…yet they spoke of grandchildren.” He furrowed his brow, his mouth twitching to the side in an awkward smile. A hurt yet amused grin. Kylo Ren shook his head. “I never pictured them like that….children…or a family.”

You climbed onto the bed next to him, your body close to his. “I did… I thought of it. Kids with someone I trusted. I don’t think about that anymore. I’m not ready for kids… I’m scared to have them now. And…I don’t feel pressured to have them with you. Like this is enough… I feel like it’s enough, to be able to have _you_. If… I think that if I was left without both—without being able to have children and without being able to be with someone…someone I care for…someone who cares for me… I don’t think I’d want to live. I think I’d feel as though I couldn’t get past that dead sensation. Not to say that I would die… I wouldn’t kill myself. Nothing like that. But it would be…robotic. Going through the motions. Being nothing more than a tool for the First Order. Passionless.”

“You would hardly be an effective tool if you were passionless.” His objectivity was another thing that warmed you. You set your forehead against his collarbone, allowing yourself a moment to laugh. “That’s what’s feared, you know.”

“That I’ll become passionless?”

“In your case, it could indicate a willingness to kill _anyone_. Even an ally.” You had not thought of it that way, and yet you could easily see yourself committing such an act in the complete absence of hope. Kylo slipped an arm around you, resting it against your hip. “People change…when they kill.”

“I killed the one I loved…that was my first kill… It wasn’t just some…stranger. I loved him.” You tilted your head back, feeling his eyes roaming along you. You met his gaze, staring into those dark orbs. “I love _you_ now. I just never thought I’d kill someone I loved.”

“That’s…normal, (Y/n),” he said, clearly amused. You rolled your eyes, nudging him with your arm.

“She doesn’t hate you,” you said after a few minutes elapsed. The two of you had lain down on the bed, you curled up beside him. Kylo Ren grunted. “You knew that, didn’t you?”

“You’re her daughter…the way you have exhibited indifference and detachment is similar to the way she greeted me.” You felt his eyelashes against your cheek when he blinked. “You can cry.”

“What?”

“You can cry if you need to.” You set your hand over your eyes. It was as though you had been waiting for permission. The conversation you had had with your mother filtered through your head as the tears streamed down your face. “You will have something else.” Kylo Ren’s voice was deep, dropped lower as he spoke softly to you. “Different… That isn’t bad, for it to be different.”

“I know,” you choked out. “I wouldn’t trade you for the world—for the universe. I wouldn’t give you up. But it still hurts, thinking about it.”

“That you would have been married by this point…would have had a child… You coming home to your mother would have been a different experience.”

“You’re enough, Ren,” you said, your words genuine and truthful.

“It’s okay…that you hurt.”

“I love you, Kylo.”

He set his forehead against yours so that his breath washed over your mouth. “…I…lo… I love you, (Y/n),” he whispered out, and you wound your arms tightly around him, holding onto him to convince yourself that the moment was one-hundred percent real. To make the moment last forever.


	27. Stamina

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: blood; vague voyeurism; emotions; thoughts of suicide/death

Stamina

Red. You bathed in red, and you were bathed in red. The blood on your hands, on your clothes, and in your hair. The red glow illuminating your flesh from the lightsaber your handler possessed. It was ugly, the gore all around you. Different than what you had believed would occur when first you had been handed the mission. A mistake on your part, which was why the lightsaber was level with your neck. Your chest rising and falling with every breath you took. Behind you, Kylo Ren was perfectly calm. He could kill you without little remorse—how strange, how bizarre that this endeared him to you all the more. The sense of duty that had been instilled within you. Of loyalty. You had immediately dropped your weapon when the plasma blade had cut through the darkness.

“He wasn’t supposed to be here,” you whispered. Kylo Ren said nothing, nor did he lower the blade. The dead officer was still bleeding out on the ground. “I thought—he wasn’t supposed to be here.”

“You need to calm yourself.” Your voice may have been only a little shaky, however he had you pegged. You were a moment away from breaking into hysterics. A laugh and sob both clutched at your throat, threatening to erupt. “He was foolish. Failed to obey orders.”

“It makes me want to _die_ , Ren.” You released a ragged breath, leaning your head towards the heat of the blade yet not quite touching it. Sweat gathered on your brow, dripping and sizzling when it met the red of his weapon. The angle of his weapon changed when Kylo Ren took a step closer to you. “I should have been able to…”

“Had you hesitated and he been an enemy, you would not be standing.” The red glow disappeared. “You want to die?” Before you even received a chance to respond, there was a pressure on your throat, choking you and cutting off your air. Your eyes watered, red and black dots popping behind your eyelids as tears started to stream down your face. You scrambled to grab at the nonexistent hand. Kylo Ren used the Force to throw you across the room, slamming you onto the ground. You gulped in air, wheezing when the pressure relented, though it did not disappear entirely. Adrenaline began to pump through your veins.

You realized, despite your shock at having accidentally killed one of your comrades and the remorse you felt, you did not want to die. The depression that threatened to consume you did not mean you were ready to forfeit your life. It wasn’t fair, your mind screamed at you; the officer was the one to have made the mistake.

Panting, trying to regain your breath, you stared through the darkness at the ceiling. You could still feel the blood on you. Drying on your flesh. You could hear the moment Kylo Ren stepped nearer to you. Your eyes widened and you quickly rolled onto your side, avoiding the kick that would have met your side. You, on your hands and knees, scrambled backwards. The lightsaber lit up the room again, the tip of it directly in front of your face.

“You want to die?” You gulped, slowly shaking your head. “Show me. Show me you want to live.” He edged the blade away enough for you to lean forward. For you to lower yourself, your mouth on his bloodied boots. You swiped your tongue along the leather, tasting the tang mixed with a coppery tinge.

“I’m sorry, Lord Ren,” you murmured then lapped at his boot again. “Spare my life.”

“Rise.” You carefully did so, eyeing the blade the entire time. The taste was still on your tongue, and you were nearly consumed by it when Kylo Ren touched the side of your face with the hand that was not holding the hilt of the saber. “Are you such a fool as that?”

“No, sir. I…” You bit your bottom lip for a moment. “I felt as though I betrayed the First Order…betrayed Supreme Leader Snoke…betrayed you…by killing him.”

“Dispose of the body. Ensure nothing is left that would implicate the First Order. Only if you succumb to such self-pity will you have betrayed those things.”

“Yes, sir. I’m… Command—Kylo… I’m sorry.” He circled you, his mask pointed in your direction the entire time. “Sir?”

“Dispose of your clothing before we return to the _Finalizer_. You’re a mess.”

You looked down at your body, shifting from one leg to the other. “Yes, sir.”

.

.

.

Boy, you had nearly forgotten that Kylo Ren was so skilled with the Force. Adept enough to have everyone else aboard the Command Shuttle oblivious to the fact that you were naked, that you were straddling his lap, riding his cock. You rested your forehead against the front of his mask, whispering words of adoration. His hands were on your hips, helping you to bounce on his dick. “The next time you say—kriff!—that you feel like dying…” He shuddered, groaning as you adjusted the angle you were sitting on his lap. You bit down on your bottom lip, holding back swears. The crew was so focused on their tasks. Mind tricks were suddenly the sexiest things you could ever think of. “You will be punished.”

“Mmm…yes…yes, sir. Oh, fuck, sir.” He was lifting your hips, working his lightsaber into your cunt while you spread your ass cheeks so he could ready you. The vibrations of the ship moving coupled with his cock buried in your ass and the lightsaber in your pussy had you screaming in pleasure, throwing your head back. A pressure on your throat; when you were cut off from air, your arousal increased. “Commander,” you wheezed, grabbing hold of his shoulders. “Mm…Can I—?”

“Remove it.” You scrambled to take off his helmet, his brow eyes glued to your bouncing breasts, which were bare in front of him, and his mouth settled into a pleased smirk. “This makes you feel better, doesn’t it?”

“Yes… Shit. So much better, Commander. Mm, Ren. So good. You’re so big. Fuck, don’t stop.” He flipped the two of you over, pinning you against the seat whilst pounding hard into your ass, using the Force to manipulate the lightsaber.

.

.

.

You had never been fucked so thoroughly in your life, that you could barely stand. You were dressed in one of the gowns your father had bought for you. No panties or bra. The material practically see-through. Kylo Ren was seated on the edge of his bed, a cup of wine in his hand. There were frosted animal crackers lined up around you. Semen dripping from you. The taste of it on your tongue. Kylo Rens had the _best_ mating habits. You eyed the nail marks you had left on his back, and wondered if your neck was going to bruise. You traced over where he had held you down, his fingers having dug into your throat and then your sides. The sex had been rough, chaotic, and just what you had needed. Perhaps just what he had needed as well.

“I passed the psych eval…but my father was informed. He called at the end of the test.” Kylo Ren looked over his shoulder at you, his nose wrinkling. You smiled. “He isn’t coming on board, Commander.” You set your toes against Kylo’s ass, rubbing up and down. “He did call my mother, though.”

“What did she say?”

“That it was a damn good thing _you_ know me so well. Though you’re not what she would consider ‘ideal’ for me, she approves, you know.” He made a noise, as though a large part of him did not care. Which was true. He humored you when it came to your parents; the subject was taboo on the front of his own, save for when he found it fit to bring them up. This was something you respected, which was a reason why your relationship with him worked so well. “It means I don’t have to endure being told what man back home is eligible for dating.” Only then did his lips curl into an amused grin.

“Did you ever speak of the lieutenant to her?”

“No,” you huffed out. “Mitaka was… We’re close. I’ve always found him attractive, but… Marriage wouldn’t have worked out between us. I stress him too much.” Kylo Ren chuckled as he moved onto his hands and knees, crawling over you. You stared up into his eyes as you spoke. “I’d just listen when she was telling me who was dateable. Most the time, after a few minutes—just to humor her—I would say I had to get going. That some message had come through on my datapad. I never felt guilty for lying to her about that. I still don’t. I know she meant well, but… Everyone else, I would have to pretend around. What about you?”

“I don’t date.”

“But you, uh, fucked before me?”

“Yes,” he said, once more laughing. His eyes darted along your body. He settled himself atop you then caressed a part of your gown. “I fucked.”

“You let me woo you… You were trying to woo me. When did you decide you liked me enough to do that?”

“I was first intrigued by the idea… I wanted to fuck you when you made that video, but it was when you had me throw you away. When you said there was a difference between being treated like trash and being thrown down a garbage chute.” You smiled at the memory. “Yet I was supposed to feel nothing for you.”

“You fought against it?”

“Until Supreme Leader revealed a truth: sentiment is a weakness…and yet denying myself this and thus becoming obsessed by the thought of you with another…that was a weakness as well. Killing you would be of no use, would never have resolved the issue. You drugged me. You. Supreme Leader and I knew then that things would need to change. I had allowed myself to grow weak. Yet I was distracted on a mission when I attempted to push you away. The only method left was to see how things would develop should I allow you to woo me.

“Your values are inline with mine. Earlier—you were ready to be killed by my blade without feeling anger if I deemed it fit. Your loyalty and dedication…” His nose ran along yours. “You know your place, ultimately. A fitting match.”

“Is that what he called it?” you asked in a whisper. Kylo Ren dipped his chin, nodding. “The violent sex helps both of us, I suppose.” Both you and he smiled at one another. “And the nerf crackers are delicious.”

“Most are crumbs.” Your eyes slid to them, finding that this was so. “You can worry about making the bed later.”

“Such stamina, Master Ren,” you teased, his hands pushing up your gown.


	28. Reset

Reset

“Supreme Leader Ordered it, Ren.” You could hear the whisper of General Hux’s voice through the darkness. “It’s no different than the previous time.”

“It will be finished by morning.”

“Careful, Ren, that you don’t allow your personal interests to interfere with orders from Supreme Leader.”

You held your breath, listening and knitting your brow. What were they talking about? The door to Kylo Ren’s quarters closed, and the man walked over to the bed. He climbed underneath the covers, his body against yours. You swallowed thickly, knowing he was aware you were awake. You winced, wondering if he was upset that you had overheard his conversation. He snuck an arm around you and positioned his mouth by your ear.

“The officer had grabbed the wrong training droid that time. The one you had modified for a later assassination when a diplomat was intended to arrive. It wasn’t your fault they died instead, and yet… You could not stop blaming yourself.” You turned in his arms, staring at him in the darkness. “Killing an ally…an unforgivable crime for you. Your limit. The same as the officer who should not have been there—he would not have been disemboweled. You can’t stop thinking of it. Supreme Leader is wise. You need to be reset.”

“Reset?”

Kylo Ren’s mouth claimed yours. Your cheeks were wet as he kissed you, as he pulled away. His hand was hovering near your head. “This will fix it. You’ll see. I’ll wait for you.” You whimpered out his name. “You won’t remember any of this. Officer Keln left after the death of his brother. You have been at a desk job ever since the accident. The standard pscyh evaluations…”

His voice was hypnotic, and you believed every word that was spoken.

.

.

.

Everyone was a mess of nerves, however that hardly surprised you. Whenever Kylo Ren was aboard the _Finalizer_ , the crew was tense. Their pitied gazes were directed your way. You had _finally_ been cleared after multiple psych tests following the incident. Had been doing minimal work at a desk, for star’s sake, and you were finally handed a new task. It wasn’t what you had had in mind. At all. Preparing Kylo Ren’s living quarters? Talk about daunting….not to mention boring. There was also the possibility of him killing you if you made a mistake.

What did he even want in his quarters anyhow?

You groaned to yourself, deciding the best way to get through the day was to wing it. You smiled in Lieutenant Mitaka’s direction when he glanced your way. He was one of your favorite superiors. Always so thoughtful. Looking out for you, and never treating you like you were crazy. It was more than you could say for a number of others.

Loaded down with the supplies you had gathered together, you entered the commander’s living quarters and set to work.

.

.

.

You hadn’t expected to be called back to his quarters before the day was done. You winced, dragging your feet as you made your way to his door, which opened before you even had a chance to touch it. You jumped, straightening and looking at the robed man. With a cautious step forward, you entered his quarters. His voice, when he spoke, was deep and slightly robotic as the mask he wore both amplified and distorted it.

“What is this?”

“A… A tauntaun, Sir,” you said, glancing towards the figure you had made with the chocolates.

The masked face turned to consider you. You felt your muscles tightening, stress building up within you. Kylo Ren reached down and plucked up a single wrapped treat. He rolled it in his finger, the aluminum wrapper making a sort of crinkling sound as it ran along the leather. “This. What is this?”

“Oh!” You cleared your throat, realizing he cared not in the least about your rudimentary tauntaun design. “Chocolate, Sir.”

“Chocolate?”

The confusion in his voice prompted you to nod and, without realizing what you were doing or saying exactly, you stepped forward. You pinched the chocolate that had been between his fingers, and his attention whipped to your face. Oblivious to this, you held up the chocolate and began to speak.

“You unwrap it, sir, like this,” you said as though you were speaking to a child. Your fingers worked at the aluminum wrapping, which you managed to remove without a single tear. “And then you eat it. This one is…well, sir, there’s caramel inside.” He straightened the slightest bit, which caused you to duck your head. “Uhm…did you not—“

“Do you believe me to be…ignorant…of chocolate?” He seemed almost hesitant, which caused your heart to start racing more. You bit down on your bottom lip, ready to be killed right then and there. A strange noise escaped him. His fingers lifted another of the caramel-filled chocolates. You watched him as he destroyed the tauntaun you had worked so hard to create. A new shape soon took its place. A nerf, you recognized. Better than what you could have done, and with chocolates to spare. These he cupped in his hand before he walked over to you. “You may take these to the garbage.”

You swallowed thickly, your eyes constantly darting to the nerf. Your mind was buzzing, as though you were supposed to remember something. Blinking, you shook your head, accepted the candies, and, sulking, exited Kylo Ren’s quarters to throw away the extras.

Who the hell _liked_ chocolate and threw it away anyway?

.

.

.

The same kind of person, you realized ten days later, who told you simply: _I require entertainment_. There was little entertainment aboard the _Finalizer_. Only two things popular enough that you were aware of. Holochess and porn. You had already placed the former in his quarters, and now you were slipping into the shop aboard the vessel. Your eyes darted about the various genres. The man behind the desk glanced up, appeared startled, and looked back down. As though he had remembered something, which caused a frown to come to your lips.

With a huff, you turned back to your assigned task. If you were a guy, what sort of porn would you want to watch?

“Well…if I were a guy…this would probably do,” you muttered, picking up a datacard. 

.

.

.

You glowered at the robed man when you entered his quarters. He had his helmeted head tilted partly to the side, and looked almost cute in a strange, this-person-reminds-me-of-a-death-robot sort of way. “Sir?”

“There are two girls.” You nodded. “A Twi’lek and a human…” You looked towards his holopad, on which the Twi’lek was eating out the human woman. “Garbage.”

“I…I, uhm, have to return it, Commander Ren. I—“

“I do not wish to see two women like this.” You nodded dumbly. A pause, and then he was looking over his shoulder at you. “Nor two men.” You blushed, wondering if he had started to read your mind, your suspicions. A strangled noise from him. “A female…masturbating. No foreign objects.”

“Uhm…yes, sir.”

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.

You swore you had never done something like this in your life, and you never would. They didn’t have what Kylo Ren wanted in the shop, however they had blank datacards. You put on a mask, angled the camera low so that you could not be identified, and worked yourself open.

Watching yourself later, when he had called you to his room, you wondered how it was you had forgotten that there were certain objects that were standard in all officer’s quarters. You gulped. “It’s…from an…uhm…old boyfriend.”

“The subject is clearly female.” You tensed up further, your breath hitching when his hands were on your hips, guiding you onto his bed. You squeezed your eyes closed at the sound of him grabbing his lightsaber. You were _dead_. You were—

“Oh!” Kylo Ren thrust the hilt of his weapon along your clothed pussy again.

“Funny…how similar you sound to the girl on the video.” His hand was on your pants, tugging them down. You bowed your head in shame. Then trembled when he set the metal against your panties, brushing them aside and slipping the tip into you.

“Si-sir…”

“Yes?” He sounded so damn calm.

“Uhm… No… You said…no…foreign objects…”

“Do you want me to stop?”

“No, sir,” you whispered, blushing hotly and groaning when he pushed his weapon up into you.

“We’ll…call her…Cindy Liu.”

“Sir?” you gasped.

“When you do this for me. If you want to pretend it isn’t—“

“Will I be in trouble, sir?”

“Mm?”

“If I… You’re…my superior… I… Will I get in trouble if—“

“No,” he groaned out.

“Then…then I…I’ll be…whoever you want.”

“This time’s better.”

“Hmm?”

“I like you like this.”

“It feels so good, sir.” Which is why you whined the moment he pulled it out of you. Then nearly screamed at the feel of something else prodding your entrance. His cock. You threw your head back as he entered you, fucking up into you hard and fast, his hand at your throat. “Mm, yeah! Fuck, sir, please use me.”

Kylo Ren shuddered this time. “What if I get bored and decide to throw you away?”

“Down the chute?” you panted.

“I’ll fuck you down there.”

“Please, yes, sir.”

“Make you scream for me in the garbage compactor.”

“Oooh!”

“They started your classes.” You bit on your lips to keep from saying anything. Your mind screamed that it was supposed to be a secret from most in the First Order. Apparently you had a natural talent for being able to handle situations that would unnerve most others. For assassinations and body disposal. Then you remembered exactly who Kylo Ren was. “You can’t tell them I threw you away. Can’t tell them I’m fucking you. Not yet.”

“Hmm?”

“They’ll say it’s too soon. But I can feel it… I can feel that you need this.”

“I do, sir.” His cock slamming up into you, so deeply and so thick. “I need this. I… Please, sir…I’ll do anything. Please don’t stop. I don’t—“

“You deserve it,” he said before whispering your name. You moaned at the sound of it. “You’re being so good.” He chuckled. “And if you keep being good… Next time I’ll take off my mask.”

“So good for you, sir.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annnnd, that's the end again!
> 
> I will be starting to re-upload the companion fic, Recyclable Materials, and then will be finishing that one up this time. It may take a bit though since the notebook containing all the notes (correlating chapters/side notes of Kylo's perspective/etc) is still missing.


End file.
